Getting Weighed

Hadn't been to the doctor in 24 months
Got no complaints
No lumps no baby bumps
But it's time for a checkup
So I make an appointment
Hope I don't need no pills
Or ointment

The nurse takes my blood pressure
Good! it's not high
My ears are OK, so are my eyes
She says, "Step on the scale
Let's check your weight
Then everything will be up to date"

Check my weight?

I empty my pockets
Take off my shoes
Take off my watch
My glasses, earrings too
I step on the scale
The numbеrs flip'n'flop
I hold my breath
Til the numbers stop

Shе looks at the scale
Looks at my chart
She looks at me
And says, "Bless your heart
I have very good news my dear
You've lost one pound in the past two years"

Two years ago I stopped eating sweets
Walked seven thousand steps
A day on city streets
I stopped drinking soda
Cut back on bread
Said "no" to elevators
Took the stairs instead
And after all this time
I've lost one pound?
I don't need this
To get around
Hold me now before
I bust out in tears
This is not the news
I wanted to hear

The doctor come in and flashes a smile
It's Joe the cardiologist, I know it's been a while
He says, "My prodigal daughter
Congratulations
This calls for a celebration
For so many patients their weight goes up
But yours went down
Is this good news, yup!"
So he listens to my heartbeat
Sends me on my way
When I get in the elevator
I hear myself say

This confirms my deepest fear
I gave up pancakes
I gave up beer
Gave up pizza
Gave up white flour
I'm losing .0009 ounces per hour
But that's point 15 ounces per week
Someday I'll have cheekbones
Not just cheek
In a month that's .666 of an ounce
Yes it's the devil's food
Cake I renounce

When you lose one pound every two years
Pretty soon you gonna disappear
Take a look, this is the biggest I'll ever be
Every step I take there's less of me
I never was good at arithmetic
But here is something I can predict
The way things are going at this rate
In the year 2052 I'm gonna look great
I'll be a hundred years old
And I'm gonna look great