Friday Night Funkin’ The Musical

Dad:
Do you smoke? Do you drink?
Do your armpits tend to stink?
Why'd you dye your messy hair?
Do you change your underwear?

Boyfriend:
Sorry, we should really go
We were here to see a show
Meeting you's been such a treat!
Yo, your dad is super sweet!

Dad:
Maybe... I wasn't clear
You two... are staying here
Tell me... about your work?
You gotta job your little jerk?

Boyfriend (spoken):
Yeah about that

(Boyfriend):
No. Sir, i'm still in school
Learning... is pretty cool!
One day... with my degree

Dad:
You'll never be as good as me!

Boyfriend (simultaneously):
This may seem impolite
But we wеre... not planning to invite
Our parents... don't takе this as slight
Enjoy the... rest of your funkin' Friday night

Dad (simultaneously):
No one dates my daughter 'till they earn the right
I don't know you. I don't like you. There's no chance I might
And nothing brings me more malicious and depraved delight
Than to bury Girlfriend's boyfriend on a funkin' Friday night!

Mom:
Do you spit or pick your nose?
Own a gun? Wear women's clothes?
Suck your thumb or bite your nails?

Dad:
Get beaten up by alpha males?

Boyfriend:
Listen, lady...

Mom:
Call me Mom

Boyfriend:
-Normally i'm much more calm
But tonight i'm on a date
So all these questions gotta wait

Dad:
Got any moles or warts?

Mom:
Rashes of any sort?

Dad and Mom:
Do you eat human meat?
Suckle at the devil's teat?

Boyfriend:
What does... that even mean!?
I'm just... a normal teen!

Dad:
Do you know the muffin man!?

Mom:
-Or have a Roth retirement plan?

Boyfriend (simultaneously):
This may seem impolite
But we were... not planning to invite
Our parents... don't take this as slight
Enjoy the... rest of your funkin' Friday night

Dad and Mom (simultaneously):
No one dates our daughter 'till they earn the right
We don't know you. We don't like you. There's no chance we might
And nothing brings us more malicious and depraved delight
Than to bury Girlfriend's boyfriend on a funkin' Friday night!

(Dad and Mom):
Please give your perspective
On modern non-objective art!

Boyfriend:
Sorry, no thanks... I gotta be frank
That we're due to depart...

Dad and Mom:
Do you have tattoos?
What size are the shoes your wearing?
We need to know, has your appendix been removed?

Boyfriend (simultaneously):
No- Yes- about 11
Oh, I guess, around age 7
I don't see how
These questions matter, now-

Dad and Mom (simultaneously):
What's your blood type? Been to Spain?
Were you ever potty trained?
Do you recycle glass and cans?
Tell us all your future plans-

Girlfriend:
Mom, Dad... since you've shown up
Things have... really blown up!
Look at me! I'm a grown up!
I can make my own decisions!

Dad and Mom:
Girlfriend, don't be silly
Do you think he's really
Good enough for you?
Is this the best you can do?

Girlfriend:
Sure, he's... not drop-dead gorgeous
Smells like old spice and oranges
I don't really mind
Plus they say that love is blind

Dad and Mom:
Does he... brush twice a day?
Eat gluten... soy, eggs, or whey?
See, you don't even know!
This dumb kid has got to go!

Dad and Mom (simultaneously):
Listen pumpkin-
Go on. Dump him-
Don't protest-
We know best!

Girlfriend (simultaneously):
You're being so unfair!
He's not a creep. I swear!
We'll be together... forever!
Our kids will have blue hair!

Dad (simultaneously):
Girlfriend ain't your girlfriend. So get out of sight!
She's a winner, you're a loser, and you know i'm right!
I hope this domineering message ain't becoming trite
So go be someone else's boyfriend on your funky Friday night!

Are you hard of hearing or just not that bright?
I won't let my darling daughter date a parasite!
So beat it! Scram! Vamoose! Get lost! And don't forget to write
'cause your no longer Girlfriend's boyfriend on this funky...

Mom (simultaneously):
Boyfriend cannot date you 'till he earns the right!
He just met you - barely knows you - but i'm scared he might!
He's clearly smitten with his wit and yes, he seems polite
But Boyfriend needs a different girlfriend for his funky Friday night!

This discussion's over, I won't have this fight
Why'd we ever let you sign up for that dating site!
He may seem positively dreamy - straight up dynamite!
But Boyfriend's still a swingin' single on this funkin'...

Girlfriend (simultaneously):
I don't care if you're right!
I love him... just as he is despite
He's not a big star or socialite
He's just a great date for this funky Friday night!

You're always so uptight!
And dad is... all bark and zero bite!
Whatever! Go fly a flippin' kite!
You're not the... boss of this funky...

Boyfriend (simultaneously)
I know that I'm not quite
Some kind of Greek god or shining knight
Your daughter... still thinks that i'm all right
So maybe... don't wreck her funky Friday night

It's clear we aren't that tight
But maybe... one day you'll see the light
And then we'll get past this and unite
Around our... shared love of funkin'...

All:
Friday Night!