Finals Fantasy

Everybody tells me I'll pass easily
I've been working hard for oh so long
But they don't realise my exam technique
Guarantee's that something will go wrong

I can name you 40 types of hernia
I know the innovation of the spleen
I know the incidence of pemphigus
I even know what cohort studies mean

I know the cytokines in carcinoid
I read ultrasounds and MRI
I can draw the structure of Rifampicin
And I can stage a cancer of the eye

I answered all the written papers easily
But the clinicals won't be so fine
I get so nervous I just can't perform

OK, come in candidate 6079, tell me

What do you see?
(I don't know)
Look at his knee
(I don't know)
What does this scar mean?
(I really don't know)

Is it Paget's?
(No)
Baget's?
(No, that doesn't exist)
(I thought not
(What the hell did you say Baget's for?)

I knew this so well!

All my knowledge seems to have deserted me
Let me give you this- What do you see?
This is an X-ray showing Crohn's disease
No it's not, it's called an ECG

Tell me when you'd might require a central line
If you have to get to Marble Arch
What would you find in Normal Saline?
Silicon, and Caesium and Starch

What is MS?
(I don't know)
What's an MI?
(I don't know)
How would you treat one?
(Oh this one I know!)

I'd make a small incision in the front of his nose
(NO!)
I'm sorry
(What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!)

I knew this so well!

I'd like you to test this lady's reflexes
Why's that tendon hammer in her mouth?
I'm trying to assess her gag reflex
I meant that you should use it further south
(NOT THERE!)

Tell me how you'd manage an emergency
I do ABC
(Good!)
A is for Air
B is for Bleeding
C is for Cyclizine

Right I think we'd better end it there

How did I do?
(I can't say)
Did I do well?
(Go away!)
But have I passed It?
(It pains me to say)

You're white and posh and male
So we can't let you fail
(Hallelujah, Rule Britannia)
Though you're dangerous

I knew this full well!