Dustin’s Hi-Ace Van

[Verse 1]
Nineteen hundred and eight nine
Was the year it all began
Dustin Hoffman, builder
Bought a secondhand Hi-Ace van
With the front seat as me saddle
And the wheel at me command
I set off like a cowboy
In Dustin's Hi-Ace van

It might need a new gearbox
It got broke along the way
You know that new road?
The one that leads to Bray
I can't see out the window
I'm sure the view is very nice
Because me vision is impaired
By me big red furry dice

[Chorus 1]
She's got tyres like Kojak's head
Me diesel's always red
The steerin's gone
The brakes don't work at all
But north, south, east and west
I know I drive the best
Get off the road!
It's Dustin's Hi-Ace van
Get off the road!
It's Dustin's Hi-Ace van

[Skit 1]
What tax? Listen, Garda I've got diplomatic immunity
I'm the Lord Mayor of Sallynoggin

[Verse 2]
On my way to Galway
I got lost along the way
I ended up in Leitrim
In a B&B I had to stay
The payment was in barter
"Can ya pay?"
I says: "I can"
I gave her a bit of a carpet
From the back of me Hi-Ace van

(Would ya like your underfelt with that missus?)

Now the Lone Ranger had his Silver
And Seán Kelly had his bike
And the Taoiseach had his chopper
They can all have what they like
Because Termonfeckin to Maynooth
Horse and Jockey to Ferbane
You'll hear them shout: "Get off the road!"
It's Dustin's Hi-Ace van

[Chorus 2]
She's got tyres like Kojak's head
Me diesel's always red
The steerin's gone
The brakes don't work at all
But north, south, east and west
I know I drive the best
Get off the road!
It's Dustin's Hi-Ace van
Get off the road!
It's Dustin's Hi-Ace van

[Skit 2: Dustin, a Garda and Snotser]
"Oh we're crusin' now, twenty five on the clock
Here it goes into fourth gear pedal to... that's the guards"
"Hello Garda"
"Do you realise you have no tax, no insurance, no windscreen
No tyres, no back door, no roof, no christmas tree air freshener?"
"Yeah, well, I'm actually rushin' this pregnant woman to hospital"
Snotser stick that pillow up your jumper, will ya?"
"Yeah, Garda, I'm hopin' for a baby girl he he he he"

[Chorus 3]
She's got tyres like Kojak's head
Me diesel's always red
The steerin's gone
The brakes don't work at all
But north, south, east and west
I know I drive the best
Get off the road!
It's Dustin's Hi-Ace van
Get off the road!
It's Dustin's Hi-Ace van
Stall on the boys!
It's Dustin's Hi-Ace van

[Skit 3]
What side of the road do we drive on again?
Is it the left or the right? Snotser!