Doug Out

[Open Ext. Beach Citywalk Fries, Evening]

(Steven, with Connie, is getting a bag of fry bits from Peedee at the fry shop.)

STEVEN: Thanks for the bits, Peedee. walks off with Connie Oh, and tell Ronaldo I hope his weird rash clears up soon.

(Steven and Connie sit on a bench and begin eating the fry bits.)

STEVEN: Life can get really intense, huh?

CONNIE: Yeah, especially your life. Let's see, alien abduction.

STEVEN: Going to a weird zoo for humans in space.

CONNIE: And sneaking out past a pair of intergalactic tyrants!

(Steven and Connie laugh together.)

STEVEN: takes a fry bit from the bag and lifts it up to the sky Well, it's nicе to know that we can still have peacеful days like this without any trouble.

(Steven flicks the fry bit and attempt to catch it in his mouth, but fails, and he laughs.)

CONNIE: Almost.

???: yelling Hey, kid!

(Steven and Connie look over and spot Doug speaking through a megaphone by his car.)

DOUG: Drop those fry bits! Drop em'!

STEVEN: Oh no, it's the cops!

CONNIE: Huh?

STEVEN: All the years of ordering off menu have finally come back to taunt me!

CONNIE: You meant haunt you? Steven, that's not even a police car, it's just-

STEVEN: I surrender! gets off the bench and runs towards Doug I knew I was breaking the rules but, I did it anyway! The bits had their hooks in meeee.

CONNIE: runs over to Steven, laughing Dad, quit joking around!

DOUG: Come on, Connie I almost had him! takes the megaphone away from his mouth

STEVEN: Mr. Maheswaran!? sighs in relief and collapses to the ground

DOUG: puts his megaphone in his car and walks over to Steven* Wow, I didn't think he would take it that seriously. *squats down You okay there Steven?

STEVEN: Oh, yeah, I love it down here.

DOUG: And how's my swashbuckling swashbuckler doing?

CONNIE: I'm good.

DOUG: You know, Steven, maybe you're dehydrated. Probably from eating all that garbage before dinner.

STEVEN: Respectfully, fry bits are not garbage.

CONNIE: Don't worry, Steven, he's just messing with you.

DOUG: chuckles Sorry Steven, Let's get you up.

(Steven, Connie and Doug walk over to Doug's car.)

CONNIE: So what are you even doing in Beach City, Dad?

DOUG: takes a note from his car* I'm out here on a job, actually. The private security company I work for got a call from a Mr... Harold Smiley, stating that someone's been lurking around Funland after hours. So I'll be here all night. On... *grabs his glasses and the lenses shine A stakeout!

STEVEN: Woah, a stakeout!

CONNIE: Dad, that's so cool!

DOUG: Yeah, it is pretty cool, huh? blushes Protecting the citizens of Beach City. Just like you guys!

CONNIE: Wouldn't that be fun, Steven?

STEVEN: Yeah! I'd love to go on a stakeout sometime.

DOUG: Maybe you guys, could help out tonight.

STEVEN & CONNIE: What?!

CONNIE: Even though we're not officially sanctioned security personnel?

DOUG: Hey, why not. It's probably just some kid loitering- Hey, kid!

(Doug calls out to Onion, leaning against a lamppost, and he waves at Doug.)

DOUG: Yes, hello!? The sign above you says "no loitering"!

(Onion shrugs and walks off.)

DOUG: They get younger every year. So, ya'll ready for this? Some of these teens can use some pretty strong language.

CONNIE: Hey Steven, you wanna help ruin some teen's night?

STEVEN: Always.

[Trans. Beach City Funland, Night-time]

(Steven and Connie joins Doug in his stakeout in his car, parked outside of Funland.)

STEVEN: whispering Coast is all clear behind us.

CONNIE: Things seem pretty quiet so far.

DOUG: Well yeah, nobody's gonna even try hopping the fence with us here. But you never know, sometimes, I actually leave the car.

STEVEN & CONNIE: Wow!

DOUG: I'm sure you guys do lots of waiting when you're saving the world. It can't be all "bam pow" action all the time.

STEVEN: Aww, I wish. There's a lot of fighting, I mean, I kind of inherited an intergalactic war.

CONNIE: rummages through a box in the car Hey Dad, what's this box?

DOUG: Oh, I just... confiscated that from a kid who was shoplifting in a costume shop.

STEVEN: Woah! takes a fake mustache out and puts it on You could totally use these for disguises! Don't you ever need to go.. Undercover?

DOUG: How do you know I'm not undercover right now? takes off his glasses

(Steven and Connie look surprised.)

DOUG: Just kidding. chuckles I need these to see. But if you guys want to play with that stuff, go ahead.

CONNIE: Okay, well I want to be undercover. I'll be.. wears a red hat and coat Veronica Cucamonga.

STEVEN: wears a green cap, and in an Italian accent It's a-me, Peter Pizzapoppolis, from Italia!

CONNIE: Pizzapoppolis? That sounds Greek. You sure you don't want anything Dad? There's a clown nose back here. squeaks the clown nose

DOUG: No thanks, being a security guard is no joke. Which is why, they equip us with these. pulls out a flashlight

CONNIE: Wow, a flashlight!

DOUG: Yeah. It gets pretty dark out there.

(A loud crash is then heard.)

DOUG: What was that!?

(The trio walks up to the locked front gates of the fun fair, finding out it has been broken in.)

STEVEN: Mama mia the fence-a!

DOUG: How on Earth did this happen? If this were some punk with a pair of bolt cutters, this would have been a clean cut. leans down and grabs a piece of the broken fence But this chain looks like it was torn apart. This was no kid.

CONNIE: Well, if it wasn't a misguided teen, what could it be?

DOUG: It's up to us to find out! Sounds like we better investigate. Cucamonga, Pizzapoppolis.

CONNIE: Right!

STEVEN: Right-a!

(The trio begin walking into the fun fair, when Connie notices a ripped piece of fabric on the broken fence.)

CONNIE: Huh? picks up the fabric and puts it in her pocket

DOUG: Hello? This is security! You are trespassing on private property. Do not attempt to make yourself a corn dog. Funland Incorporated is not liable for the harm you may incur on trying to operate a deep fryer without a license.

STEVEN: You need a license to operate a deep fryer?

(Another loud crash is heard.)

CONNIE: Woah.

(A big shadow appears in the light beam of Doug's flashlight.)

DOUG: Hey, stop right there!

(The trio runs towards the shadow and takes cover behind a booth.)

DOUG: Follow my lead.

(The trio somersault one-by-one across the ground and Doug shines his flashlight ahead.)

DOUG: Don't move!

(There is no one is sight ahead.)

CONNIE: Did we lose them?

STEVEN: Which a-way did they go so fast-a?

DOUG: Mouths closed, eyes and ears open.

(The trio cups their hands around their ears to listen out for any sound, and hears the door of the Hyper Space ride creaking.)

DOUG: Bad move chump, that space ship's permanently earthbound.

(The trio runs into the ride.)

DOUG: Gotcha! I mean freeze! Oh, man.

(Doug shines his flashlight around, finding no one inside the ride.)

DOUG: Are we dealing with some sort of escape artist?

CONNIE: walks up to the control panel in the center Hey Steven, maybe we should get our weapons.

DOUG: That won't be necessary. We're not here to escalate the situation. Besides, a good security guard only needs their trusty flashlight.

(Suddenly, the door of the ride creaks and slams behind Doug.)

DOUG: Hey! pulls on the door handle Open up this instant!

CONNIE: Yeah, let us out!

(Connie and Steven assist Doug in attempting to open the door, when the lights turn on, and the ride starts moving.)

STEVEN & CONNIE: The ride's moving!

(The trio are forced against the walls of the ride, as it spins them around at a high speed.)

CONNIE: We gotta shut it off!

DOUG: Don't worry! I'll just use my trusty flashlight!

(Doug throws the flashlight towards the "Off" button of the control panel, but the force of the spinning ride prevents it from reaching at all.)

STEVEN: Oh no!

CONNIE: The laws of physics!

(The flashlight flies back towards Doug, hitting him in the face.)

DOUG: Ouch!

CONNIE: You okay, dad?

DOUG: Yeah, I've got a new idea, though. This time, I'll throw it at a angle!

CONNIE: Dad, I don't think that'll work-

DOUG: Go!

(Doug throws the flashlight again, causing it to bounce all around the ride and hitting the three of them in the head multiple times. The trio screams in panic as the ride keeps on spinning.)

STEVEN: We got to get out of this s.p.i.c.y meat-a-ball!

(Steven pushes himself off the wall and lands on the center of the ride.)

STEVEN: Hey, this part isn't moving at all!

CONNIE: Steven!

DOUG: gets hit by the flashlight again Augh!

STEVEN: Sorry!

(Steven pushes the "Off" button on the control panel, and the ride stops. Steven kicks the door open and the trio crawl out of the ride groaning.)

DOUG: Listen, you... bodybuilding escape artist criminal. This isn't a game. You've endangered a officer of the law and two small children. Show yourself before you get into serious trouble!

CONNIE: Steven, do you think it's some sort of... Gem Mutant or Monster?

STEVEN: It could be, but, it trapped us. The monsters and mutants aren't that smart.

CONNIE: Could, we be dealing with a Homeworld Gem?

DOUG: Homeworld? Gem? Mutant? I, uhh... Well, whatever it is, if someone's trespassing, they'll have to answer to me!

(Doug switches the batteries of his flashlight and shines it on his face, casting an intimidating shadow on his face. The trio then continues searching around Funland for the trespasser.)

CONNIE: It's so.. quiet.

(The streetlights suddenly turn on and music starts playing, causing the trio to gasp in shock.)

DOUG: I can't believe this. They're mocking us! Show yourself! What is it that you want here?! Prizes? Fun? You think this is the place to get your kicks? approaches the ring toss booth You sick monster. Destroying the sanctity of this land of fun!

(A small shadow appears above the ring toss booth.)

CONNIE: Behind you!

(The fence enclosing the ring toss booth falls onto Doug.)

CONNIE: Dad!

STEVEN: Mr. Maheswaren!

DOUG: Ughh... Don't worry, I'm fine. Just-

(The shadow runs past the trio.)

DOUG: gasps There they are!

CONNIE: Come on Steven! begins chasing the shadow

DOUG: I'm right behind you!

CONNIE: You're not getting away this time!

(The shadow knocks over a trash can, which Connie and Steven simply run past, and a gumball machine, causing gumballs to scatter across the ground.)

CONNIE: That's a lot of gumballs!

STEVEN: Jump!

(Connie jumps and Steven grabs her hands, floating the two of them over the gumballs. They eventually chase the shadow to a dead end.)

CONNIE: It's time to give up!

STEVEN: There's no way out!

DOUG: Gumballs? A-A-Aaah!

(Doug trips over the gumballs and falls behind of Connie and Steven. He then gets up and walks towards them.)

DOUG: Huh... Hey, kids.

CONNIE: The culprits at the end of this corner, Dad.

DOUG: Good work you two. Now, let's shed some light on this subject turns his flashlight on and shines it ahead

STEVEN: Wait... Onion!

(Onion turns and looks towards them squinting.)

DOUG: You? What are you doing here? We're in the middle of a very important investigation.

CONNIE: Dad, I think this is who's been causing all this trouble.

STEVEN: Onion, it's me, Steven. takes his fake mustache and cap off Steven Universe.

(Onion runs up to Steven and starts murmuring frantically, hiding behind Steven.)

STEVEN: That's just Mr. Maheswaren. Oh my gosh, did you think a bunch of strangers were chasing you? No wonder you were trying to throw us off your trail. Onion, everything's okay.

(Onion smiles and steps back.)

DOUG: walks up to Onion It can't just be a kid! It doesn't make any sense! What about that huge shadow?

(Connie turns Doug's flashlight on and shines it on Onion, casting a big shadow behind him.)

CONNIE: I think the flashlight just made him look big.

DOUG: But the fence was ripped apart!

STEVEN: I have seen him use a blowtorch before.

CONNIE: reveals the fabric she found earlier I also found this piece of fabric stuck in the fence.

(The trio look over at Onion, who notices a tear in the heel of his clothes.)

DOUG: groans Of course. It's never actually something.

CONNIE: What's wrong?

DOUG: Nothing's wrong, it's just... My job isn't the exhilarating adventures you've been having with Steven. Or the life-threatening emergencies your mom deals with at the hospital. The most action I see is telling kids to quit loitering around. I was hoping maybe you'd get to see me take on a serious job. But, I guess all I'm good at is being your silly, old dad. trips on a gumball and falls, grunting

CONNIE: You're right, you are silly. But that's why I like hanging out with you. I've got enough serious things going on in my life. Sometimes I just wanna spend time with my dad. smiles

DOUG: smiles back Thanks. You're a keeper, Veronica Cucamonga.

(Connie laughs at her dad's silliness.)

[Trans. Beach City Funland]

(The trio leads Onion out of the fun fair.)

DOUG: Well, kid. This may have been a big misunderstanding. But you're still in trouble for this fence.

(Onion looks at the fence and shakes his head.)

DOUG: Oh, yes you are.

STEVEN: Just let him off the hook on this one. We already scared him straight.

CONNIE: The law must be different for someone his age.

DOUG: sighs You learned your lesson?

(Onion does a single nod.)

DOUG: Then you're free to go.

(The trio then gets into Doug's car. Doug starts up the engine as Steven waves goodbye to Onion.)

DOUG: And rememember kid, no loitering. backs the car up I don't know how I'm gonna explain this back at the office.

(Onion watches the car leave, as a large shadow and a smaller shadow with wings appear behind Onion. Eerie music begins to play, as Onion turns around in shock.)

[END]