Don’t Be a Villain

We are a pair of villains
We're the worst you ever saw
We're trying hard to break in jail
We've broken ev'ry law
The jails are so exclusive
Now it really is a sin
You have to bribe the keepers
Or they will not let you in
If you have no money
They will throw you out
We killed a doll a year ago
We stabbed it with a gun
They wouldn't lock us up
Because they didn't see it done
We're pirates, and we're burglars
And we kill folks now and then
But otherwise, we are a pair
Of strictly moral men
And that is why we're free
To roam about

Don't be a villain, boys
For crime is bound to fail
'Twill cost you all your earnings
To stay a week in jail
Don't be a villain, boys
Unless it's in a play
Oh, do not be a villain for
You'll find it does not pay

We are so bad that on the whole
We couldn't tell you half
We love to see a woman cry
Because it makes us laugh
Last summer we were sleighing
Up around the Toyland flats
We slayed a flat house janitor
And eighty-seven cats
If we had a larger sleigh
We'd sleigh his wife
When we were boys, two bad men came
And killed us while we slept
They took our lives, and went away
But after them we crept
We caught them and we killed them both
They made an awful fuss
The judge said that it served them right
For they had just killed us
But we were angry when he gave them life

Don't be a villain, boys
But live a life of peace
There are not many villains
Excepting our police
But do not join the force
The pay is very small
If you can't own an auto
Don't be criminal at all

When we were very little boys
Our stealing first began
One day while at a baseball game
We stole a base and ran
We went into a fur store
And we saw a muff and stole
We robbed the village bakery
And got the baker's roll
And since then the baker hasn't had a bun
We tried to corner copper
But we found it wouldn't work
The copper was a roundsman
And his name was Michael Burke
We cornered him behind a house
He clubbed us both so hard
He thought we'd die by inches
But we fainted by the yard
Now frenzied finance is a thing we shun

Don't be a villain, boys
For you'll get but little thanks
You'll have to be a lady
If you go robbing banks
Don't try to rob the banks
It's no work for a man
Unless you are a robber
On the Cassie Chadwick plan