Dialogue 3

[WALTER, spoken]
Oh well, that's a load off my mind. I don't want to be a troublemaker, but, uh, mightn't it be simpler if we didn't bother about the divorce?

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Not bother?

[WALTER, spoken]
Yes, it would save all this quarreling between you and nice Mr. Haig.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
It is not my habit to quarrel. I had never quarreled in my life. We are merely trying to agree at a rational level how best to construct a solid divorce. And now, after all this time, when you are already semi-divorced, you raise the whole miasma of not getting divorced at all. This is becoming a legal nightmare!

[WALTER, spoken]
You can't teach ducks to dance.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Might I ask one question to which there should be a straightforward yes or no?

[HAIG, spoken]
Yes?

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Do you have an outside line?

[HAIG, spoken]
Oh, yes. They're all outside in here.

[FARTHING, spoken]
Just to remind you, Mr Haig to feed the goldfish—

[HAIG, spoken]
Er, let me have that in writing later.

[FARTHING, spoken]
—And your wife's on the line from the yacht.

[HAIG, spoken]
Oh, is she? Well, uh, ha. Tell Veronica I'm, I'm—

[BLINT, spoken]
Half pissed.

[FARTHING, spoken]
You're in conference, Mr. Haig.

[HAIG, spoken]
Which is exactly what I'm in—in conference.

[LADBROKES]
Ladbrokes, good morning. Gambling is our trade.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
This is "M" for Malcolm, "P" for Pepperman, Malcolm Pepperman, PEC2528. How do they bet the Nembutal Triumph Hurdle?

[LADBROKES]
Sorry, no racing. No flat or steeple chasing. The course is flooded, flooded.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
I'll try the greyhounds then!

[LADBROKES]
No dog racing.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Not the weather, surely.

[LADBROKES]
They cannot find the dogs.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Jesus!

[LADBROKES]
Ladbrokes, good morning.

[PEPPERMAN slams the phone down.]

[HAIG, spoken]
I enjoy a little flutter every now and then. Did you have anything on World War Two?

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
No, it was too big a field.

[HAIG, spoken]
Yes, yes absolutely. Absolutely right. But I looked up the form, studied the various strengths and weaknesses, trainer's reports and so on. And at the time, the Germans look like a racing certainty. So I had two thousand quid on the Bosch—odds-on, of course. I hadn't reckoned on the Americans. They messed up the whole event. World War Two did me absolutely no good at all.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Well, you can't win them all.

[HAIG, spoken]
Exactly! My father made a killing on the Titanic. Fantastic odds!

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
And I got ten-to-one on Korea for a tie. Very, very tasty that.

[WALTER, spoken]
I use a pin if I can find one.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Mr. Haig and I have resolved the matter of the pins, Mr. Stapleton.

[WALTER, spoken]
Oh dear, yes. I'm, I'm sorry to intrude.

[HAIG, spoken]
So here's to you keeping well out of it, huh? Cheers!

[WALTER, spoken]
It's odd, you know, "No dogs." It reminds me. I went to the butcher's the other day and ordered a leg of lamb. Well, I've known Jack Harris for years. But when I asked for a leg of lamb, he gave me a strange look, and I thought: That's strange! Jack Harris giving me a strange look. I mean, we're not strangers, but he gave me this strange look. But I thought nothing of it. And he went to the back of the shop where he keeps the lamb and come back. Well, there was nothing odd about that. That's what he usually does. But when he handed the lamb over, he gave me this strange look again. So I looked at the leg of lamb, and saw he'd given me a bunch of six carrots. Well, it's not like Jack to give you six carrots instead of a leg of lamb, because he's never specialised in vegetables as a butcher. But I paid my seven pounds and thought nothing of it.

But on the way home, I ran into Mrs. Kretch from Number Four and told her about the carrots. She said: "That's strange, because I was in Jack Harris's shop yesterday and ordered some best mince. Well, he gave me this strange look. And when he came back with the mince, it wasn't in a plastic bag like normal. He gave me this box. All wrapped up in silver paper with a pink ribbon around it. Well, I, I thought nothing of it. But when I got home and opened it up, I found three twigs. Well, it's not like Jack to give you twigs instead of mince. And Hermes —that's my cat—is not a big twig-eater. Anyway I, I turned round and called to Hermes, and he wasn't there. I haven't seen him since. I reckon he knew about the twigs."

[BLINT, spoken]
Excuse me prying, but what colour knickers are you wearing, Mrs. Stapleton?

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Is this really necessary, Mr. Blint?

[LULU, spoken]
Ça m'est égal. I don't mind. The knickers are black.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Satisfied, Mr. Blint? My clients knickers are black! And now would you please go away?

[BLINT, spoken]
Oh yes! It was just that in the eventuality of the lady leaping over my hole while I was downstairs, I could be quite certain that some crow had not invaded the premises. Which reminds me: I'd better get on with—it.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Get on with anything you like! Just one little query, Mr. Haig: Have we agreed that the teeth are ex parte?

[LULU, spoken]
It's so boring these teeth! I go with Monsieur Blint.

[HAIG, spoken]
Ex parte teeth! I'll have to drink about that.

[LULU, spoken]
It's a very nasty little place you have 'ere.

[BLINT, spoken]
Thank you! Musicians flourish in an atmosphere of studied chaos. It's taken me years to achieve this mess.

[LULU, spoken]
You play much?

[BLINT, spoken]
Oh yes! I'd say I was married to my piano. I have all the questions, and she has all the answers. Let me see: What are you? Oh yes, definitely: C-sharp minor. I'm E-flat, so we're reasonably compatible. Your husband looks like a G major.

[LULU, spoken]
I only married Walter to get a work permit. I am, uh, how you say in English, a masseuse.

[BLINT]
Rosie was a C-sharp minor.