Dialogue 1

[BLINT, spoken]
It was ten o'clock on a wet and windy April morning. The hurricane that destroyed Honolulu was moving north towards Florida. Experts forecast that the weather would remain unpredictable for the next few days. I checked my tarpaulin and all my equipment and logged them in my diary. My piano still needed tuning. Above me in my attic, four conflicting forces were about to gather. Perhaps only I knew what the day would hold.

[HAIG, spoken]
I, I don't think it's too early to have a little sharpener. Er, would you care to join me, Mr. Stapleton?

[WALTER STAPLETON, spoken]
Oh, oh no not for me Mr Haig. I only drink at wеddings.

[HAIG, spoken]
Yes, that's the way I started. Cheers!

[FARTHING, spoken]
Mr. Pеpperman and his client have arrived.

[HAIG, spoken]
Ah well, send them in.

[WALTER, spoken]
This divorce—it's, it's just a formality, isn't it Mr. Haig? I mean, we just sign the papers and go our separate ways like we always have, don't we?

[HAIG, spoken]
Yes, Mr. Stapleton. I, I see no, um, um—

[FARTHING, spoken]
This way, sir.

[HAIG, spoken]
Oh, good morning Mr. um, ha ha—

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Pepperman. Sorry I'm late. I was delayed by headwinds on the M4. It's terrible out. Thank God for the Rolls, I say. Some of the cheaper cars were going backwards.

[WALTER, spoken]
Hello, Lulu.

[LULU STAPLETON, spoken]
Bonjour, Walter.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Before we sit down to discuss anything, I would like to put it on the record that my attention has been drawn to a gaping hole!

[HAIG, spoken]
Ah yes.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
In the floor on which we stand, there is a large and gaping hole! Let us begin by clarifying whether this hole is with or without prejudice.

[HAIG, spoken]
Ah, ha ha. Yes, perhaps we ought to clear that up. Um, I'm, I'm—I'm not actually responsible for the hole, although it is my office. It belongs to the main downstairs. The hole, that is, not the office, ha ha eh ha. He is, as you've probably guessed, a, uh, a pianist. And this is his hole. Mr Blint was the only owner—

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
That's uh—that's Blint with a "B"?

[HAIG, spoken]
Oh yes. He was the only owner unwilling to sell, when this block was constructed, so—ha ha—as a compromise, the developers built round him. And technically, that hole is a—is his attic.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
It has never been my practise to conduct business in other people's attics. It never has been and it never will be. An attic is not an environment for serious negotiation. I've never negotiated anything in an attic, and any business of any kind that I have conducted in an attic has been under duress! If this divorce is to succeed, as we all pray it will, it must be properly conducted within an agreed framework, and I trust this will not be a subject of contention!

[HAIG, spoken]
I don't think my client has any objections.

[WALTER, spoken]
Oh I'm—I'm sorry, I dozed off again. Lulu and I have discussed it all. And we're in complete agreement that we should divorce one another with no acrimony or ill will.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Fine words, Mr. Stapleton, very fine words. But that's all they are, aren't they? Words! It's actions we need, Mr. Stapleton. Actions speak louder than I do!

[WALTER, spoken]
Oh, whatever you say, Mr. Pep-pep-pep-pep-pepperman.

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Will you keep out of this! Let me begin with the statement that I trust will not be a matter of dispute. I am Jewish and always have been. I'm not ashamed of it, and I'm not proud of it. The whole thing is not an issue to me—it's irrelevant! And I see no reason why my being Jewish should be dragged into the discussion at all. The fact that I've been massacred personally for thousands of years is neither here nor there. So can we agree at least on one thing?Namely, not to waste our time discussing whether I'm Jewish or not!