Deal with the Devil

[Sound of a phone dial tone. A click as someone on the other end picks up.]

[Receptionist]
Hello, the Devil's Office!

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Yes, um, hi.

[Receptionist]
How can I help you?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
I'd like to, uh, sell my soul.

[Receptionist]
...Is that all?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
...Yes.

[Receptionist]
Hold, please.

[The line immediately goes to soft rock hold music. It cuts back:]

[Manager]
Hello, Soul Selling Division!

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Sorry, I-- Oh, wait, is this the same woman I just spoke to?

[Manager]
No. We all sound like this in hell.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Oh.

[Manager]
You are interested in selling your soul?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Yes, I am.

[Manager]
What state?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
New York.

[Manager]
ZIP Code?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
10003

[Sound of keyboard clacking.]

[Manager]
I have an opening Thursday between 11 and 1.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Oh, uh, yeah, that'll work.

[Manager]
Meet at The Crossroads.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
...Wait, the Crossroads is in Mississippi, I-- I live in New York City.

[Manager]
The Crossroads Trading Company on 26th. It's a woman's consignment shop.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Oh! Um...

[Manager]
The Devil likes to keep up the old "meet at the crossroads" thing.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Uh... Okay, uh, thanks. Do I need to bring anything?

[Manager]
Please avoid any food or liquids two hours before the meeting. The Devil will appear as a decidedly modest-looking Indian man, thin, mid-30s, in a brown jacket. Thank you for choosing the Devil!

[Dead line sound]

[H. Jon Benjamin]
...Thank you.

[Sounds of traffic.]

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Hey, uh... The Devil?

[The Devil]
Yes, Jon! How are you?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Good! I'm here to, uh... to sell you my soul.

[The Devil]
What do you wanna sell your soul for, Jon?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Well, um, I'm making an album where I play jazz piano, but I can't play jazz piano.

[The Devil]
...Okay.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
And I want it to be great.

[The Devil]
You know... I just don't buy any soul.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
So, wait, you won't--

[The Devil]
You know when you go to a Farmer's Market and you wanna buy an avocado...

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Okay.

[The Devil]
You find the one that looks good. That, when you squeeze it, you get a good vibe, and you take that home.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Right.

[The Devil]
But you don't buy all the avocados.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
I mean, I'm not a big avocado fan, so I don't even... But I guess I see what you're s--

[The Devil]
You don't like avocados?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
I like guacamole, I just...

[The Devil]
Yeah.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
...didn't eat a lot of big...

[The Devil]
Nah, that's okay.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
I don't ever buy, I--

[The Devil]
How-- How long have you been playing the piano now?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Well, I-- I have never... played before.

[The Devil]
Are you fucking serious? Like, you've never even played at all and you're immediately jumping to selling your soul?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Man, that's the whole point of coming to you! What--?

[The Devil]
What the fuck--? No, no! People come to me after they've been playing their whole life, and they're like, "This is my passion, and-- and I wanna be a master at it!" And then I'm like, "Okay, that's-- You know, you put in the time."

[H. Jon Benjamin]
I mean, I was under the impression that it was a quick fix thing.

[The Devil]
I-- Usually, the whole soul-selling thing more of a last resort than the first step.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Well, I-- That's-- I didn't know that, like, I'm not gonna go-- I have to make the album tomorrow, I am not psycho--

[The Devil]
How do you think it works? I mean, you gotta have some level of skill for me to make you, like, a master player.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
I don't have time to-- [flounders] to try and learn a little bit how to play the piano just so I can come back to you in, like, five years and say "Now I'm, like, mediocre, can you make me good?" That's not fair.

[The Devil]
I don't know what to tell you. I-- I mean, I gave you my Farmer's Market analogy. I feel like that's a great analogy. Couldn't be clearer.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
So, there's nothing I can do to sell you my soul?

[Beat.]

[The Devil]
Start sucking my dick, right now.

[Beat.]

[The Devil]
Start sucking my dick. Right now.

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Alright, forget it. Thank you very much, I don't-- I'm not interested.

[The Devil]
I was just fucking around! You think I-- You-- That you would suck my dick and then I'd wink at you, and then you could play jazz piano?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
You're the Devil! What else am I supposed to do?

[The Devil]
I don't even have a dick! What were you gonna suck?

[H. Jon Benjamin]
Forget it, forget it, thank you, forget it.

[Sound of cars passing by.]