Breathers

[PAUL Spoken: And there are no bars, no clubs, no automobiles where necrophiliacs can just hang out and have a good time. You know, no bath houses where necrophiliacs can just go and have a bit of a paddle. 1993, people and the council still refuse to put turnstiles on the graveyards. It's disgusting. Customs, last week, seized a massive load of necrophiliac scratch-and-smell magazines from the U.S., they wont be coming out. I don't blame you for just sitting there, you know, and being a bit cautious about this whole passive necrophilia thing. Because I too, when I first about it, was a bit of a necro-sceptic. I thought, "As I live and breath I'll never do that"]

[TIM Spoken: Unlike Paul, I'm actually, ah, an active necrophiliac. I'm usually the more aggressive partner in the relationship, uh, this is because... well, because I'm alive. Uh, Despite what you may think it's actually quite difficult going out with someone who is dead—]

[RICHARD Spoken: Ah, Tim... "mortally challenged"]

[TIM Spoken: Thank you, brother Richard. You see, it's not like going out with someone who's alive, or we call them... "breathers". You see, I find that no matter how much I put into the relationship— And it's always me who puts in! I don't expect anything in return! But no matter what I do after a couple of weeks I can feel the whole relationship beginning to decay, and eventually I can feel everything just coming apart in my hands. Sorry, sir? "What's the perfect partner for me?" As a necrophiliac, I'd have to say, um, I'd like to meet someone who had a sense of humour, someone who had, a real lust for life, and preferably someone who had all of their limbs at point of death. My girlfriend and I just split up recently, she left without a word, the last thing I remember saying to her was, "Bzzzzz. Clear! Booomf!" But she's not coming back]

[RICHARD Spoken: Aw, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim... you kill me]

[TIM Spoken: Don't flirt!]

[RICHARD Spoken: I'd just like to say, I think necrophilia is fine. Look, if people want to have sex before they're married, they're allowed to and it shouldn't be illegal. Hooray! Yay! Woah!]

[PAUL Spoken: Sorry, I don't know if anyone's noticed but Richard is a bit... stupid. Um, even when he was a skinhead he still had a fucking hairdryer]

[TIM Spoken: Statistics prove that one in three men is a bloody moron]