Brainiac

My uncle George had a Great Dane
Who chewed a paw off in Connecticut
When I walk into a room
I'm not afraid to feel feminine

I've never done heroin
Well I've never done much of that
And though I may appear likable
I'm merely trying to remember I'm not on fire
Oh no, mom, my collarbone again

My father took me mountain climbing
I've got a picture to show to you
My grandma lived in Florida
And her front lawn hurt my bare feet

I've never tried to kill a cricket
With a firecracker on the Fourth of July
I've never done pretty much anything
That didn't have productive quality
What a goddamn liar

Even though you taught me to love my body
Even though I'll never be Italian
I won't forget:
People who act confident go far
I've got a brain in my head

It may not be your imagination
If you think I'm looking at you with contempt
I wish it could be different
But occasionally I'm cruel
I get down
I can't help but think I've long buried
A horrible childhood memory

And why do I keep on dreaming
About the queen of fourth grade Cheryl Englehart?
And what I lack in aphrodisiac
I think I make up for in appetite
I'm a young John Wayne

Even though you fuck me on my birthday
Even though I'm an advocate of hygiene
I won't forget:
People who act confident go far
I've got a brain in my head

Even though you make my bed like mom did
Even though I really don't know how to be a friend
I won't forget:
People who act confident go far
I've got a brain in my head
I've got a brain in my head