Ballad of a Ballgame

Do you remember that song by Janis Ian?
The one where she complains about
Not getting chosen for the basketball team?

Her song went, "For those whose names are never called
When choosing sides for basketball"
Remember that depressing song?
I would have written about that but she did it first

When you're 5 foot 2
Okay, 5 one and a half
And everybody else in the whole gym class
If 5 foot 3 and even taller, it hurts

Truth is I hadn't thought about that for years
But then a recent phone call rekindled all those fears
"A softball game ", Robin said, "And you're invited"

Softball? Great, that's my game
Why softball's practically my middle name
I'll be right over I said, feeling excited

Even though I can't throw, I can't hit
I can't run, I must admit
I can't catch, I can't pitch
In softball I have not found my niche

But I don't let details get in my way
Team sports, ooh, that's what I loves to play
I got dressed, got my sneakers tied
Made it to the park in time for choosing sides

Pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, ooh
Pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, ooh
Glove? Sure I own a glove
But it's in the repair shop with my rugby helmet

But I can always borrow from the other team
Pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me
Pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me

This part goes on for a long, long time
Because 20 people showed up to play and they picked 10 to a side
So as the ranks of the chosen grew and the unchosen we depleted
I tried to act nonchalant

'Cause deja vu, I was the last one chosen
Even after the overdressed Felicity Rosen
Do you know her?
She was wearing high heels

Stockings with seams and those Lee stick on nails
And they picked her before me
They put me in the field so far out and to the right
I was practically out of sight

But everybody said, I had a real good day
I didn't make any errors, I didn't make any plays
You see, the ball never came out my way
And I figured it's just gonna be one of those days

Now, coming up to bat was a whole new kind of humbling experience
I took one swing and missed, that was no surprise
I took another swing and missed, that was no surprise
Then I practiced strategy, I let one go by, the umpire called it a ball
I had a proud moment

Then the pitcher figured me out
He threw one I just couldn't resist, I swung and I actually hit it
But it was a pathetic little dribbler that went
Bloop, bloop, bloop, right back to the pitcher

Who threw it over to first and I was out which again is no surprise
But as I was walking to the bench to pick up my borrowed glove
To captain of the other team said to the captain of my team
"Hey, she really doesn't know how to play so let's not count her outs"

Not count my outs? Not count my outs? What are you talking about?
I want you to count my outs, I want my outs to count
Which made me unpopular with my entire team
So I said, "Don't count my outs"

What a great idea and it makes me feel so special
Thank you for being such a sensitive human being
And thinking of my needs in such an open
Kind and generous way

I really said something like that
I was babbling like an idiot

Well, eventually I resumed my place in the outfield
And continued watching the dandelions
Grow and blossom and turn into puffs
And blow away in the chilly wind

I continued watching the clouds making ugly formations in the sky
And it wasn't long before I began to question my worth as a human being
And my reason for living

But then top of the seventh
Two on, two out, a crack of the bat, a mighty clout
My whole team turned and cringed to see
That speeding ball heading vaguely toward me

I ran as fast as I could, I said a prayer
I stuck out my glove, the ball landed in there
No one could believe it on either team
They hooped and hollered and stomped and screamed
And total strangers clapped and cheered

(Aware that God had performed a miracle here)
I was carried to the bench, I was handed a beer
Then the clouds broke apart
Then the sun reappeared

No, it didn't, but it felt like it did in my heart
I wanted to live again

Oh, by the way we lost that game 17 to 3
But I considered it a moral victory
And Janis Ian, wherever you might be
Take heart, there's hope for you 'cause there's hope for me

Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd
Buy me some peanuts, I'll buy you Crackerjacks
As long as you count my outs when I come up to bat

Now it's root, root, root, root, root, root for both teams
Win or lose, lose or win we're all the same

Oh, won't you please take me out to the old ball game?
Come on, please take me out to the old ball game