“A Hardcore Christmas”

Scene- The Foley house. As Burl Ives' "Holly Jolly Christmas" plays in the background, the camera fades in. A sockless loafer is bouncing to the tune of the music as the camera slowly pans out. We see a clean-shaven Cactus Jack sitting in front of a Christmas tree with his two-year-old daughter, Noelle, on his lap. The clean-cut Cactus speaks.

Ho, ho, ho- Happy Hardcore Holidays, everybody. This is Cactus Jack, along with the rest of the Foleys here to wish you and your family a Happy Holiday Hardcore season. [Noelle laughs.] I took this time out today to try to explain what Christmas means to me, and, by golly, I found out that Christmas can mean a lot of different things. First off, I found that Christmas can be [yelling] FUN! Ha ha.[Noelle laughs.] Why, just the other day there were some Christmas carolers and I snuck up on their little group and, as the door opened and they began to sing, I started chanting, 'ECW, ECW, ECW', ha ha, and I'll tell you what...I would have gotten away with it too, but all the neighbors heard me yelling, 'BANG BANG!' [Noelle laughs] as I made my way through the neighborhood. But you know, they didn't care. They just thought, 'There goes that nutty Cactus Jack'- but you know what, they realized that it doesn't hurt to have a hardcore person in the neighborhood. Second of all [getting serious], Christmas is for family. Why just the other day, I was taking the gingerbread men out of the oven [getting happier], and I'll tell you what, I took one look at that cookie sheet and I was wishing that I could POWEE! Ha ha...hit someone over the head with it- right in the kisser. Ha ha, I bet you could get some juice out of that one! BANG BANG!

Most important, Christmas is for caring [real serious]. Now, I understand that there is a hardcore balloting going on, and that Tod Gordon is in charge of the voting, but, more importantly, Tod is in charge of some very prestigious and worthwhile children's charities and likes to be the first at this special time of year with a very generous check. Seeing as I don't know the exact names of the charities, I'm just going to make the check out to Tod Gordon himself, and [winking at camera] I think Tod will know what to do with it. Ha ha. Here, honey, zoom in so they can get a look at all these zeros- ha ha- not too close so they'll see our address and we're liable to have 1,500 hardcore fans on our front lawn chanting, 'He's hardcore, he's hardcore.' Ha ha. I'll tell you what. I love them, and if it were up to me, I'd have them all in for a cup of hot chocolate. Oh, Santa [picking up a plush Santa doll], what's the number one wrestling organization? [Horrible ventriloquist act] ECW ho ho ECW.
Camera fades out, as Noelle cries for "Mama, Mama, Mama."