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I was only a kid when it happened
One day, during kindergarten, I was feeling unusually tired, so I went to talk to my teacher about what I should do
She told me to lay my head down on the desk and maybe take a little nap
I was already sick with strep throat but had insisted on going to school that day anyways
Even as a kindergartener, I didn’t know how to quit
Anyways, I rested my head on my backpack and slowly fell asleep
The next few hours are hazy
I slip in and out of consciousness, never remembering what happens on the way over
Next thing I know, I’m in a hospital
I need two shots to the leg and to stay home for a few days
When I ask what happened, they tell me I had a febrile seizure during class
They still don’t know exactly why it happened

And so life continued on
I forgot about the seizure and everything it had done
It’s probably the reason I had no friends in Elementary school
“Oh no, don’t play with them, they’ve got brain problems.”
Regardless, I did decent in school, made it through class, et cetera
Stopped believing in a God who never answered
Three years pass. I don’t change that much
I get strep again and my mom makes sure that I stay home
Then one night, I have a high fever. Higher than my mom’s ever seen before, and she’s a nurse
Later that night, it happens again

This time, when I wake up, my tongue hurts
This time, when I wake up, I get a bottle of pills
This time, when I wake up, it turns out I have a benign cyst on the right side of my brain
This time, when I wake up, something’s different
This time, when I wake up, I have a diagnosis
A seizure disorder
Until that point I didn’t know there was anything wrong with me

Everything will be alright in the end
Because it has to

About two years later, I move from South Florida to Washington state
A year after that, I stop taking the meds because they aren’t doing anything now
A few years later, I realize that I’m not straight
A few more years later, I realize I’m not cisgender either
Some months after that, I start taking antidepressants
I start to heal

I look back and I see the person I used to be
And I think to myself; that’s not me
Those memories, that place - that’s not me
I am not that person
I was never that person

I cry a lot more now
I think it helps

This isn’t the end
Unless you want it to be
Unless you give up

So don't give up