Who’s Crazy/My Psycopharmacologist and I

[DR. FINE, spoken]
The pink ones are taken with food, but not with the white ones. The white ones are taken with the round yellow ones, but not triangle yellow ones. The triangle yellow ones are taken with the oblong green ones, with food, but not with the pink ones. If a train is leaving New York at 120 miles an hour, another train is leaving St. Petersburg at the same time but going backwards, which train do you get on...

[DAN]
Who's crazy? The husband or wife?
Who's crazy to live their whole life
Believing that somehow things aren't as bizarre as they are?
Who's crazy? The one who can't cope?
Or maybe, the one who'll still hope?
The one who sees doctors or the one who just waits in the car?
And I was a wild twenty-five
And I loved a wife so alive
But now I believe I would settle for one who can drive

[DR. FINE, spoken]
The round blue ones are taken with food, but not with the oblong white ones. The white ones are taken with the round yellow ones, but not the trapezoidal green ones. Break the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel, put it all into a mortar...

[DIANA]
My psychopharmacologist and I
It's like an odd romance
Intense and very intimate
We do our dance

My psychopharmacologist and I
Call it a lover's game
He knows my deepest secrets
I know his name

And though he'll never hold me
He'll always take my calls
It's truly like he told me
Without a little lift, the ballerina falls

[ENSEMBLE]
Do-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

[DR. FINE, spoken]
Goodman, Diana: Bipolar depressive with delusional episodes. Sixteen year history of medication. Adjustment after four weeks.

[DIANA, spoken]
I've got less anxiety but I have headaches, and blurry vision, and I can't feel my toes.

[DR. FINE, spoken]
So we'll try again, and eventually, we'll get it right.

[DIANA, spoken]
Hmm, not a very exact science, is it?

[ENSEMBLE]
Zoloft and Paxil and Buspar and Xanax
Depakote, Klonopin, Ambien, Prozac
Ativan calms me when I see the bills
These are a few of my favorite pills

[DIANA, spoken]
Thank you, Doctor! Valium is my favorite color. How'd you know?

[NATALIE, spoken]
It's just—the thing about jazz is, how do you know if you got it right? It's just making shit up.

[HENRY, spoken]
Which is also known as the act of creation.

[NATALIE, spoken]
Oh, you're one of those pretentious stoner types.

[HENRY, spoken]
That’s totally not fair. I’m not pretentious. And I’m definitely not classical—it’s far too rigid and structured. There’s no room for improvisation; you have to play the notes on the page.

[NATALIE, spoken]
Yeah, what did Mozart know anyway? He should've just smoked a bowl and jammed on "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star".

[HENRY, spoken]
Yeah! Let's do that

[DR. FINE, spoken]
Goodman, Diana—Second adjustment after eight weeks. Delusions less frequent, but, depressive state worse.

[DIANA, spoken]
I'm nauseous, and I'm constipated, completely lost my appetite and gained six pounds, which is just, you know, not fair.

[ENSEMBLE]
May cause the following side effects, one or more:
Dizziness, drowsiness, sexual dysfunction

[NAT, DIANA, & DR. FINE, DAN, GABE, & HENRY]
Headaches and (Diarrhea)
Tremors and (Constipation)
Nightmares and (Nervous laughter)
Seizures (Palpitations)

[ENSEMBLE]
Anxiousness, anger, exhaustion, insomnia, irritability, nausea, vomiting

[DIANA]
Odd and alarming sexual feelings

[ENSEMBLE]
Oh, and one last thing—

[DR. FINE]
Use may be fatal

[GABE]
Use may be fatal

[DAN]
Use may be fatal

[DR. FINE, spoken]
Goodman, Diana—Third adjustment after twelve weeks. Reports continued mild anxiety and some lingering depression.

[DIANA, spoken]
I now can't feel my fingers or my toes. I—I sweat profusely for no reason.

[NATALIE, spoken]
I've wasted like, weeks of practice with you—improvising.

[HENRY, spoken]
Well, Oscar Peterson was classically trained.

[NATALIE, spoken]
Beethoven did cocaine.

[HENRY, spoken]
Miles Davis went to Julliard.

[NATALIE, spoken]
Mozart wrote poems—about farts.

[DIANA, spoken]
Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for sex. Though, whether that's the medicine or the marriage is anybody's guess.

[DR. FINE, spoken]
I'm sure it's the medicine.

[DIANA, spoken]
Oh, thank you. That's very sweet, but my husband is waiting in the car.

[DAN]
Who's crazy? The one who's half gone?
Or maybe the one who holds on?
Remembering when she was twenty and brilliant and bold
And I was so young, and so dumb
And now I am old

[DAN & DIANA]
And she was wicked and wired (And though he’ll never hold me)
The sex was simply inspired (He’ll always take my calls)
Now there’s no sex, she’s depressed (It’s truly like he told me)
And me, I’m just tired, tired, tired, tired (Without a lift, the ballerina falls)

Who’s crazy, the one who’s uncured? (My psychopharmacologist and I...)
Or maybe the one who’s implored? (Together side by side)
The one who has treatment (Without him I’d die)
Or the one who just deals with the pain? (My psychopharmacologist and I...)

[ENSEMBLE]
Wee-oo, wee-oo, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum...

[DAN]
They say love is blind...
But believe me, love is insane

[DR. FINE, spoken]
Goodman, Diana. Sixteen weeks—

[DIANA, spoken]
I don't feel like myself. I mean, I don't feel anything.

[DR. FINE, spoken]
Uh-huh… Patient stable.