Waste

(Addison Mizner lies in a bed.)

[A WOMAN, spoken]
Mr. Mizner. There's a gentleman to see you

(Addison leans forward expectantly, then falls back on the pillows, dead. The door of a packing crate falls open, revealing Wilson Mizner.)

[A MAN]
Think that he's dead?

[ANOTHER MAN]
Has been for years

[A WOMAN]
God, what a waste

[A MAN]
Genius, they said

[A WOMAN]
Opened frontiers

[ANOTHER WOMAN]
Really, such a waste

[ANOTHER WOMAN]
All of that style-

[A MAN]
All that flair-

[ANOTHER MAN]
All that guile-

[ANOTHER MAN]
Now, let's be fair
He had a real spark

[ANOTHER MAN]
Made a mark

[A WOMAN]
Instantly erased

[A MAN]
Could have been rich

[A WOMAN]
Could have lost weight

[A MAN]
God, what a waist

[ADDISON, spoken]
Excuse me...

[TWO MEN]
Son of a bitch
Could have been great

[A WOMAN AND A MAN]
Now he's just disgraced

[ADDISON, spoken]
Excuse me?-

[A WOMAN]
Such an ascent-

[A MAN]
Such a fall-

[ANOTHER MAN]
Such a nice gent-

[COMPANY]
He had it all
How could he miss
Finish like this?
Waste

[A MAN]
Remember me?
I'm the one that you bought the plantation from
Boy, what a waste
That was a waste...

[A WOMAN] (overlapping)
Remember me?
I'm the one with the house you design-
What a waste, what a terrible waste
What a waste...

[A MAN]
Remember me?
I'm the one that you baited the suckers with
Waste
Waste of your money and waste of my time
Remember that? Remember that?
What a waste, what an asinine waste...

[TWO WOMEN]
Remember me?
I'm the one that you used in the ads
Honey, that was a waste
That was a waste and a half
Remember that? Remember that?
What a waste, what a silly old waste...

[A MAN]
Remember me?
I'm the one with the fireworks business-
A waste if I ever saw waste
And, believe me, I recognize waste
When I come across waste...

[ANOTHER MAN]
You come into my office
And buy all these pineapples
Nothing but waste
I mean, talk about waste
That was a waste, no, a waste and a half...

[A WOMAN]
Not to mention
The door you forgot to include
And the stairs that went nowhere
There was a waste
There was a terrible waste...

[A MAN]
Remember me?
I'm the one with the Klondike saloon
What a waste, what a god-awful waste
I mean, that was a waste...

[A WOMAN]
Remember me?
I'm the one that you promised a mansion to...

[HANDSOME YOUNG MAN]
Remember me?
I'm the one that you fucked

(Addison blinks at him, stunned)

[ALL]
Such a good start
Such a bad end-
Leaves a bad taste

[HANDSOME YOUNG MAN]
I'm the one that you fucked

(Pause.)

[ALL]
Squandered his art
Cheated his friend-
All of it a waste

[ADDISON, spoken]
You're the one that I loved

[THREE MEN]
Destined to fail

[TWO WOMEN]
Poor old guy

[GROUP 1]
Losing the trail-

[GROUP 2]
And you know why

[WILSON]
Everybody shoo!

I said shoo!
I mean you... shoo!

(Opening his arms.)

(spoken)
Hug for your old brother?

(sung)
Wasting your time
Listening to them
That was the waste

[ADDISON, spoken]
Hello, Willie

[WILSON]
What was your crime?
You were a gem
They were strictly paste

[ADDISON, spoken]
Willie, listen to me-

[WILSON]
So it got rough
Why the guilt?
Look at the stuff
That you built
So you got burned
Look what you've learned!

[ADDISON, spoken]
You know what I learned, Willie? I learned that the only thing wrong with my life was you. You conniving son of a bitch!

(Addison swats Wilson.)

[WILSON, spoken]
(Swatting him back.)
Hey, cut it out!

[ADDISON, spoken]
(Another swat)
You ruined me!

[WILSON, spoken]
(Another swat)
You ruined yourself!

[ADDISON, spoken]
(Another swat)
Say it! You ruined me!

[WILSON, spoken]
Did not!

[ADDISON, spoken]
Did so!

[WILSON, spoken]
Did not!

[ADDISON, spoken]
Did so!

[WILSON, spoken]
Did not!

[ADDISON, spoken]
Did so!

[WILSON, spoken]
Did not!

[ADDISON, spoken]
Did so!

(They fight on the bed, the tussle becoming more and more childlike.)

[WILSON & ADDISON, spoken]
Mama... Mama... Mama!

(Mama Mizner appears.)

[MAMA MIZNER, spoken]
Addison! Wilson!

(Addison and Wilson stop fighting.)

This is no time for squabbling! Your papa's been asking for you

(The bed is now occupied by Papa Mizner.)

[WILSON, spoken]
Sorry, Mama. How is he?

[MAMA, spoken]
The doctor says it's time now

[PAPA MIZNER, spoken]
Addie? Willie? Is that you, boys?

[WILSON, spoken]
We're here, Papa

[PAPA, spoken]
Good, good