Ti Kwan Leep

Teacher: Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Ti Kwan Leep. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now. So: Aaaaaaooooommm......
Ed Gruberman: Uh, sir! Sir! (oo! oo!) Sir!

Teacher: Who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?

Ed Gruberman: Me! Ed Gruberman?

Teacher: E-Ed Gruberman?

Ed Gruberman: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin', but, like, uh, how long is this gonna take?

Teacher: Ti Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon

Ed Gruberman: So like, what, an hour or so?

Teacher: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience

Ed Gruberman: Yeah yeah yeah, patience. How long will that take?

Teacher: Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day

Ed Gruberman: A YEAR??? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas! Hah woo yah ooomm!

Teacher: "Beat people up"...?

Ed Gruberman: Yeah! Just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos! That's all I came here for! YO ASTA STA STA!!! Pretty good, eh?

Teacher: The only use of Ti Kwan Leep is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher

Ed Gruberman: Yeah? Well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said that? Mel, the cook on "Alice"

Teacher: No, um...Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Aaaaoooommm...

Ed Gruberman: Listen, shrimp! Are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I gonna start wipin' the walls with you?

Teacher: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep. Approach me that you might see

Ed Gruberman: All right! Finally some action!

Teacher: Observe closely, class. Boot to the Head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

Ed Gruberman (drunkenly): Owww! You booted me in the head!

Teacher: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon

Ed Gruberman (quietly, to himself): Ow, oh, my head!

Teacher: Now we continue. Aaaaaoooommmm...

Ed Gruberman: Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now shorty, huh? Come on, are ya chicken?

Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

Ed Gruberman (again, drunkenly): Oww! Okay, now I'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it now

Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

Ed Gruberman: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?

Teacher: Now class, we shall return to our...

Student 2: Master?

Teacher: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student

Student 2: Many apologies, master. But I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student 2: I want to boot some head, too

Teacher: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?

Student 2: Yes, master. I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent

Teacher: Very good

Student 2: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head. (SH-ZOOMP!)

Teacher: You missed

Student 2: Uh, yeah. Well...

Teacher: You too shall be honored to learn a lesson...

Student 2: You don't have to, you know. I-I gotta be going...

Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

Student 2 (agonizing pain): Oyyy oy oyyyy.... Oh....

Teacher: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?

Student 3: Uh, yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you

Teacher: You gain wisdom, child

Student 3: So we'll hafta gang up on ya! Get 'im guys!

(Teacher throws many 'Boot to the head!s' and 'SH-ZOOMP!s'. There are many people groaning in pain.)

Teacher: And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and
Gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation

Unison: Aaaaaoooommm....

Teacher: Very good, class