Bill From Bala

(indecipherable train announcer)

Bill: Excuse me, young fella. Do you know where they sell tickets for the Greyhound bus in here?

Young fella: Uh... right here

Bill: Right here?

Young fella: Mm-hmm

Bill: At the ticket booth! There's the sign, "Tickets Sold Here"! Isn't that the damndest. That's the damndest! Isn't that the damndest?

Young fella: Yes... I guess--

Bill: When do they go on sale?

Young fella: Uh, in fifteen minutes

Bill: Fifteen minutes? That's not long. That's not long at all! Fifteen minutes? That's a quarter of an hour! ... Do you know what the time is now? I must've left my...

Young fella: Uh, yes, it's a quarter to--

Bill: It's a quarter to, is it?

Young fella: Yes

Bill: Is it really a quarter to?

Young fella: Clock's right there--

Bill: Already. You don't say. No kidding

Young fella: Yes

Bill: Is it really

Young fella: Yes

Bill: ... Quarter to what?

Young fella: It's-it's a quarter to eight--

Bill: It's a quarter to eight, is it? Is it really a quarter to eight?

Young fella: Yes

Bill: So... this opens at eight?

Young fella: I--

Bill: You're the line, aren't you? I'll bet you're the line! You don't mind if I stand here beside you, do you?

Young fella: --no, that's fine--

Bill: Rather than line up behind you already. Nothing to see standing behind you except the back of your neck! ... Mind you, it's worse when people have pimples all over the back of his neck

Young fella: Oh god

Bill: During the war, there was a fella in our regiment

Young fella: Oh no

Bill: He had pimples. He had pimples so bad, he got shot and no one noticed. ... So! Where ya headed? Where you... where you bound, as they say? Where you off to? Where you making for? Where you directed to? You got a destination in mind, have you? What's your terminus of arrival--

Young fella: Vancouver

Bill: Vancouver! Beautiful. Vancouver, beauuuuutiful!

I USED TO LIVE IN BALA, OKAY?! I OWN BALA! BALA BRINGS BACK A LOT OF BAD MEMORIES FOR ME; I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT BALA ANY MORE!"