The Xanax Story

Just too anxious for a lot of things, I get nervous all the time, not even about like major life things. Just about like everyday situations. Like this is my regular speaking voice, but if I'm in a pubic bathroom and someone knocks too suddenly on the door or stall door, I go into a whole different speaking voice. Which is, "Eh, someone's in here... someone's in here..." so they're gonna be like, "I think there is a carnival barker in there. I think someone's trying to drum up business for a carnival."

I decided to do something about this anxiety recently. I decided I was gonna try and get a Xanax prescription. I don't know if anyone here has ever tried Xanax, but it's fantastic. Very muted claps for Xanax. You don't really get woo's, its more like yeah... I didn't know how to get a Xanax prescription though. Drugs like that a tricky sometimes, but I talked to a friend of mine and he said oh yeah, I did this. He said that he had a regular doctor's appointment and at the end of it he said to his doctor, "Hey doctor, sometimes I get nervous on airplanes." And the doctor just wrote him a Xanax prescription. And I'm like yeah, that's the type of lowbrow shit I'm looking for. I'll take your advice, friend I've never listened to before.

So I go to a clinic, and I go in and I'm just going to go in for, you know, a regular type of check-up and at the end, I'll ask about Xanax. So I get to the front desk, and they have a "Why are you here sheet." And I wanna pick something that will get me out really quickly. And I look down and I see frequent urination. And I was like, perfect that'll be a super quick visit you know? I'll just be like, "Hey, sometimes I pee a lot," and the doctor would be like, "Me too, crazy right?" And I'll be like, "I get nervous on airplanes." So I checked off frequent urination and I sat down in the waiting area, and I waited for 3 hours. I finally go back to the observation room, and oh- In the observation room there was a male nurse standing there, and he has a Batman sticker on his stethoscope, a Batman necklace, and a Batman watch. He was kind of moving around the whole time. He was just like, "Alright! I am too blessed to be stressed! Let's do it! What are you allergic to, besides work?" And then he'd take something and throw it over his shoulder and be like, "Beats working." And all of his jokes were anti-work, which is not always what you want from a health care professional.

The doctor comes in the room, and the doctor looks at my chart and he says: "Oh, you're here for frequent urination, how many times a day are you urinating?" And I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit. So I said 11. That was too many times to say. The doctor looked at me and said, "You're peeing 11 times a day? Then you may have something wrong with your prostate. So, what we need to do…" Some of you are ahead of me. So I don't know exactly how he phrased it, but the gist of it was, "Hey if this visit was to continue, I'm going to stick part of my hand up your ass." And I didn't know what to say. 'Cause I couldn't be like, "No that's okay, I was lying. It was a lie… to get drugs. You know? Like a crime!" So what I did was I pulled down my pants, walked over to the observation table and I put my hand on the observation table like this. And by the way, part of me was like, "Whatever… you know? You ever have those days where you're like, "This might as well happen... Adult life is already so goddamn weird."

So I'm bent over like this on the table, and the doctor comes up behind me and says, "No, no, no, not on your hands, your elbows." And he knocks me down like that. And this is so much worse than this. I don't know why, I think it's 'cause this has a little remaining dignity to it, you know what I mean? This is sort of like, go stick it in, I am an American. This is like you're leaning over the edge of a cruise ship and you're like, "Ah, we're approaching Martinique!" He knocked me down to my elbows and then he stuck his hand in. And you know how sometimes you're like, I bet I know what most things feel like, ya know? You just think you'll know? I did not know what this was gonna feel like. And this was the actual sound I made, I went, "Ohm!" But I didn't say it. Like, it came from my vocal cords, but it was totally involuntary. It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light. And then, when he pulled his hand out, we had gotten to know each other pretty well, so I'll phrase this as delicately as a can. I did not realize that when the doctor pulls his hand out it feels like your shitting because the only thing to come out of your butt before has been shit.

So... he pulls his hand out and I thought I was shitting into his hand. So I yelled, "I'm sorry!" This is a very routine procedure by the way for most doctors. And so far he's had to deal with "Ohm!" and "I'm sorry!" And he didn't even let me off the hook you know? He wasn't like, "Oh, don't worry, you didn't shit into my hand." He just threw his glove away and went, "Ahwahahwah." And I was about to ask about Xanax but he was like, "Alright your prostate's fine, but we still need to do a blood test." So I pulled up my pants and shuffled away... feeling different. And he yells out into the hall, he goes, "Hey! We're doing a blood test in here. Get in here!" and Batman dances back in and he's like, "Alright! We're gonna do a blood test! You look different, let's do it." The doctor left the room, so I'm alone with Batman. I just need this blood test to be over. But first I had to tell Batman something, I was like "Batman look, I'm one of those people who, when you take blood from me, sometimes I can faint. And I was in the waiting area for three hours and I haven't eaten all day and I'm really worried I'm gonna faint." And Batman said to me, and I'll never forget it, "Pshh, you're not gonna faint!"

So... I stick my arm out, Batman puts the needle in my arm, and I'm immediately on the ground. I wake up and I am covered in sweat lying on the observation table. I wake up, I open my eyes and I see Batman's face. He's looking at me and he goes, "You gotta go!" and I go, "Can I please talk to the doctor thought for a sec, because sometimes... I get nervous on airplanes." And Batman said, "The doctor's gone!" So I got my stuff, and I left... The moral of the story is that if you've been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about Xanax because if you lie to him, he will stick his finger in your ass. And if you do suffer from frequent urination, keep it to yourself. I went to that clinic two years later for a different checkup, and as I was leaving, who do I run into but Batman. And he smiled at me and he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed.

Thanks very much for listening to me, my name is John Mulaney. You were really fun, thank you.