The Package (skit)

*harp music*
Jesus: Oh I love playing this harp it relaxes me.
MC Chris: Huh? I was never shot. I was never assassinated. I'm alive!
Jesus: No.
MC Chris: What.
Jesus: You were shot you're in Heaven.
MC Chris: No, no. you're Saint Peter aren't you?
Jesus: What? Saint Peter! I'm Jesus!
MC Chris: Oh.
Jesus: Goddamn you, Saint Peter's a big, fat shit, with a hydrocephalic head.
MC Chris: I'm sorry.
Jesus: It's disgusting looking!
MC Chris: I'm sorry.
Jesus: How could you confuse?..man look I got the classic beard and the robe.
MC Chris: You're clearly Jesus.
Jesus: And the sandal feet.
MC Chris: You're clearly Jesus I'm sorry I'm sorry.

Jesus: Take a look down there at the bottom of the robe.
MC Chris: Yeah what at your sandals?
Jesus: What do you see? No between the feet.
MC Chris: Is..is that the tip of your?
Jesus: It's the Tip of my dick.
MC Chris: No way!
Jesus: *laughs* Jesus has a Four foot dick.
MC Chris: That's incredible how'd you..well you're Jesus.
Jesus: Of course.
MC Chris: Yeah.
MC Chris: What do your balls look like?
Jesus: Let me..let me tell you I thought to myself Jesus you're Jesus what could you give yourself that nobody else in the universe would have? allow me to hike up my robe here. Clear balls with goldfish swimming around in them
MC Chris: That's inc..Look how cute they are there's like a little castle in there.
Jesus: Castle treasure chest skeleton.
MC Chris: Little diving man it's so cute.
MC Chris: I could spend the whole day there.
Jesus: I'm sayin'.
MC Chris: When you're having sex with a women doesn't that...isn't that painful I mean it's gotta be?
Jesus: Well let me tell you what I'd do I would magically just extend their cervix.
MC Chris: Oh.
Jesus: Till up to about their sternum.
MC Chris: Oh ok I see.
Jesus: Or throat area and that generally makes it fine.
Jesus: But to tell you the truth I'm not really having sex with women too much these days.
MC Chris: Really?
Jesus: To tell you the truth I'm actually having sex with um it's a creature of my own uh imagining if you will.
MC Chris: Oh.
Jesus: I searched my imagination and thought what..what..what's the creature that I Jesus find most attractive.
MC Chris: Huh.
Jesus: it turns out it's kind of a..a dinosaur dragon bird type creature it looks actually like you know when discovery channel was doing that thing on like you know what if raptors had feathers.
MC Chris: Oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah I saw that. I saw that yeah.
Jesus: It looks a lot like that.
MC Chris: But if you're Jesus you don't..you don't really need discovery channel I mean you've seen the dinosaurs already.
Jesus: No, no that was uh before I was born actually.
MC Chris: Oh yeah.
Jesus: Yeah.
MC Chris: Yeah.

Jesus: Alright here let's get down to business I've got the list of things you did in your life here.
MC Chris: Oh.
Jesus: Let's see you were a pretty bad drunk.
MC Chris: Yeah.
Jesus: You made a lot of stupid skits on your records.
MC Chris: Yeah.
Jesus: You did have 30,000 my space friends.
MC Chris: Yeah, yeah I did that's..that's true!
Jesus: That means something up here.
MC Chris: Really?
Jesus: Yeah, you know who'd be interested to hear that? My buddy Lincoln. Hey Lincoln you know this guy's got 30,000 myspace friends.
Lincoln: 30,000 myspace friends is he using bots?
Jesus: I don't know I'll ask him are you using bots.
MC Chris: No it's just fan base.
Jesus: No he's not using bots it's just fan base.
Lincoln: Is he a porn star?
Jesus: No it's not a porn star it's MC Chris.
Jesus: It's great I've got you know everybody from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure's" up here
(Lincoln: Huh, hey Beethoven this guy's got 30000 myspace friends)
MC Chris: Oh that's cool, that's cool.
Jesus: It's pretty..it's pretty cool.
(Beethoven: 30000 myspace friends is he using bots?)
Jesus: Except uh Keanu.
(Lincoln: Huh that's what I asked nope no bots.)
Jesus: and uh Alex Winter.
(Beethoven: Is he a porn star?)
Jesus: What are you deaf or is that is that you or Mozart I can never remember.

*beep*
Secretary: That Dragon bird lady is on line two again.
Jesus: Ohhh this dragon bird won't leave me alone.
MC Chris: Oh shit Jesus what'll we do!?
Jesus: I try to be honest I try to say dragon bird it's just a sex thing I don't want a relationship.
MC Chris: Right, right, right.
Jesus: This dragon bird is super into me you got to help me. You got to help me out here.
MC Chris: Well uh Jesus use your powers!
Jesus: Hmm yes how about this we switch places. You become Jesus and I'll become you and I'll go down to earth and enjoy some moderate success as a nerd rapper.
MC Chris: Well, I'm not just a nerd rapper, I rap about all kinds of stuff. My music kind of transcends boundaries.
Jesus: uh Suuuure it does alright let's do this thing.

*finger snap* *beeeeep boooop*
MC Chris: Oh wow a real beard a full beard!
Jesus: Oh wow a big fat baby face.
MC Chris: A robe a cool robe and some badass desert sandals!
Jesus: Oh look disgusting hobbit feet great.
MC Chris: Well what'll we do now Jesus?
Jesus: Now I'm going to open this trap door down here *door opens* and climb down this ladder down to earth here I go..Oh ok over there are towels.
MC Chris: Right.
Jesus: And the menus are in the drawer.
MC Chris: OK.
Jesus: If you want to order out ok. Emergency numbers on the phone.
MC Chris: Right.
Jesus: And just have fun remember to have fun.
MC Chris: I will Jesus you have fun too.
Jesus: Alright bye
MC Chris: Alright later Jesus good luck.
Jesus: Climbing down the ladder Climbing down to earth Climbing down and I'm climbing down the ladder and Oh my god! The ladder ended too soon!
MC Chris: Jesus!
Jesus: Why didn't they finish building this ladder?
MC Chris: What are you doing?!
Jesus: Oh my god I'm falling!
MC Chris: Jesus don't fall!
Jesus: Help me!
MC Chris: Oh no!
Jesus: Use your new Jesus powers to help me!
MC Chris: My new Jesus..What'll I do!?
Jesus: Help me I'm falling!
MC Chris: Uh parachute!
Jesus: Come on!
MC Chris: Para..I just conjured up a parachute Jesus I'm throwing it down to you.
Jesus: Parachute that's the worst idea don't you know that the laws of physics dictate that two objects at different masses fall at the same speed! That parachute..
MC Chris: Catch the parachute!
Jesus: No it'll never reach me you idiot Oh I'm falling!
MC Chris: Catch it Look for the parachute!
Jesus: Oh my god I'm hitting the earths atmosphere at tremendous speed!
MC Chris: Look for the parachute Jesus!
Jesus: Oh the friction is causing me to burn up in the atmosphere!
MC Chris: Do you see a parachute!?
Jesus: Oh my god I don't see a parachute my eyeballs are burning out!
MC Chris: Jesus, Jesus no!
Jesus: Oh my god I'm burning it hurts so bad!
MC Chris: Oh no Jesus!
Jesus: Oh my god I'm ash I'm pure ash and I'm falling to earth!
MC Chris: Oh Jesus!
Jesus: Oh I'm falling and I'm lining on the mountain tops. Oh the cool mountain tops.
MC Chris: So peaceful.
Jesus: Oh the snow is cooling my charred ash.
MC Chris: Jesus is ok.
Jesus: Oh god.

Jesus: Oh skiers are skiing on me!
MC Chris: Ahh Jesus you're being skied on!
Jesus: Skiers are skiing all over me!
MC Chris: oh Jesus!
Jesus: I don't wanna die here!
MC Chris: Oh Jesus you poor soul!
Jesus: And I'm dead!
MC Chris: You died twice!
Jesus: I'm dead.
MC Chris: You're dead twice.
Jesus: I'm dead.
*harp music*
Jesus: Well that didn't work.
MC Chris: Sorry dude.
Jesus: Obviously I died and my soul came back to heaven.
Jesus: Hey, are you saint peter?
MC Chris: What? No dude.
Jesus: *slap* I'm just fucking with you. *laughs*
MC Chris: You're always fucking with me Jesus you son of a..
Jesus: oh man I got you.
MC Chris: You got me.
Jesus: Hey kid.
MC Chris: Yeah?
Jesus: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE! OHHH BAAA WOOOOW