The Miser (Act 1 Scene 3)

SCENE III.——HARPAGON, LA FLÈCHE.

HAR.
Get out of here, this moment; and let me have no more of your prating. Now then, be gone out of my house, you sworn pickpocket, you veritable gallows' bird.

LA FL.
(aside). I never saw anything more wicked than this cursed old man; and I truly believe, if I may be allowed to say so, that he is possessed with a devil.

HAR.
What are you muttering there between your teeth?

LA FL.
Why do you send me away?

HAR.
You dare to ask me my reasons, you scoundrel? Out with you, this moment, before I give you a good thrashing.

LA FL.
What have I done to you?

HAR.
Done this, that I wish you to be off.

LA FL.
My master, your son, gave me orders to wait for him.

HAR.
Go and wait for him in the street, then; out with you; don't stay in my house, straight and stiff as a sentry, to observe what is going on, and to make your profit of everything. I won't always have before me a spy on all my affairs; a treacherous scamp, whose cursed eyes watch all my actions, covet all I possess, and ferret about in every corner to see if there is anything to steal.

LA FL.
How the deuce could one steal anything from you? Are you a man likely to be robbed when you put every possible thing under lock and key, and mount guard day and night?

HAR.
I will lock up whatever I think fit, and mount guard when and where I please. Did you ever see such spies as are set upon me to take note of everything I do? (Aside) I tremble for fear he should suspect something of my money. (Aloud) Now, aren't you a fellow to give rise to stories about my having money hid in my house?

LA FL.
You have some money hid in your house?

HAR.
No, scoundrel! I do not say that. (Aside) I am furious! (Aloud) I only ask if out of mischief you do not spread abroad the report that I have some?

LA FL.
Oh! What does it matter whether you have money, or whether you have not, since it is all the same to us?

HAR.
(raising his hand to give La Flèche a blow). Oh! oh! You want to argue, do you? I will give you, and quickly too, some few of these arguments about your ears. Get out of the house, I tell you once more.

LA FL.
Very well; very well. I am going.

HAR.
No, wait; are you carrying anything away with you?

LA FL.
What can I possibly carry away?

HAR.
Come here, and let me see. Show me your hands.

LA FL.
There they are.

HAR.
The others.

LA FL.
The others?

HAR.
Yes.

LA FL.
There they are.

HAR.
(pointing to La Flèche's breeches). Have you anything hid in here?

LA FL. Look for yourself.

HAR.
(feeling the knees of the breeches). These wide knee-breeches are convenient receptacles of stolen goods; and I wish a pair of them had been hanged.

LA FL.
(aside). Ah! how richly such a man deserves what he fears, and what joy it would be to me to steal some of his …

HAR. Eh?

LA FL.
What?

HAR.
What is it you talk of stealing?

LA FL.
I say that you feel about everywhere to see if I have been stealing anything.

HAR.
And I mean to do so too. (He feels in La Flèche's pockets).

LA FL.
Plague take all misers and all miserly ways!

HAR.
Eh? What do you say?

LA FL.
What do I say?

HAR.
Yes. What is it you say about misers and miserly ways.

LA FL.
I say plague take all misers and all miserly ways.

HAR.
Of whom do you speak?

LA FL.
Of misers.

HAR.
And who are they, these misers?

LA FL.
Villains and stingy wretches!

HAR.
But what do you mean by that?

LA FL.
Why do you trouble yourself so much about what I say?

HAR.
I trouble myself because I think it right to do so.

LA FL.
Do you think I am speaking about you?

HAR.
I think what I think; but I insist upon your telling me to whom you speak when you say that.

LA FL.
To whom I speak? I am speaking to the inside of my hat.

HAR.
And I will, perhaps, speak to the outside of your head.

LA FL.
Would you prevent me from cursing misers?

HAR.
No; but I will prevent you from prating and from being insolent. Hold your tongue, will you?

LA FL.
I name nobody.

HAR.
Another word, and I'll thrash you.

LA FL.
He whom the cap fits, let him wear it.

HAR.
Will you be silent?

LA FL.
Yes; much against my will.

HAR.
Ah! ah!

LA FL.
(showing Harpagon one of his doublet pockets). Just look, here is one more pocket. Are you satisfied?

HAR.
Come, give it up to me without all that fuss.

LA FL.
Give you what?

HAR.
What you have stolen from me.

LA FL. I have stolen nothing at all from you.

HAR.
Are you telling the truth?

LA FL.
Yes.

HAR.
Good-bye, then, and now you may go to the devil.

LA FL.
(aside). That's a nice way of dismissing anyone.

HAR.
I leave it to your conscience, remember!