The Many Dilemmas Of A Startled Socialite Who Has Just Witnessed Something Unusual In A Northwoods Lake

And I've seen Sasquatch makin' crop circles
Beneath the Nothern Lights
And I've been witness to a strange occurrence
Dick near my whole life
You see, now I tried to see things different
But I can't argue with my sight
It sounds as stupid as my haircut
And as strange as my whole life
My whole damn life
Appearance is dead

Keep up appearances for everyone here
These disappearances are common up here
Or at the very least, explainable
It's usually with mirrors
Only the methods are debatable
(TO BE CONTINUED)