The Heckler

[Verse 1]
Shut up!
Nobody speak or laugh or dance
Cause right now I'm giving somebody else a chance
Tonight we have a very special guest
It's the heckler right there, he's got some things on his chest
So give him, your attention- undivided attention
Like, pretend he's a guest speaker at a shithead convention
Or pretend he's on stage rocking the coliseum
Please down in front, I hope that everyone can see him
No further ado, all of you
Please give a little love to you know who
All the way from the audience of tonight's show
Ladies and Gentleman, I give to you the heckler, go!

How do you do it dude?
It's like you got a gift
Worthy stream of consciousness, improvisational riffs
You can really face a challenge, where a coward would hide
I'd fucking call you a genius to which the heckler replied…

[Hook]
Shut up!
I'm talking to the heckler in the house
Shut up!
Do us all a favor, just shut your mouth
Shut up!
Do you understand just what I'm talking about?
Shut up!
Or get out
Shut up!
Or get out

[Verse 2]
Why do you do it? I don't know why dude
I wouldn't interrupt you at your fucking job at the drive-thru
I'm on the bill tonight, I'd like a chance to speak
And I think drunk douche bag is scheduled next week
You thought you'd get a couple laughs, you were hoping right
Well fuck you, it's my show- go find an open mic
And I'll even drive you to one if you promise to leave
I'll refund your five bucks, even throw in a CD
You're a turd, you're retarded, a retarded turd a re-turd
The kind of dick that thinks he's funny screaming out Freebird
But don't do that joke now, don't even try it
Because A.) It isn't funny and B.) you didn't even write it
This is a solo act, not a duet
Comprende mi amigo? Am I getting through to you yet?
Did you think you found your niche?
Did you think it'd make you rich?
Did you think this was your pitch?
You're just the next most obvious rhyming word…

[Hook]
Shut up!
I've got a whole set, so let me finish it please
Shut up!
Do you have Tourettes or similar disease?
Shut up!
Just do a couple shots and I'll get your keys
Shut up!
Or just leave
Shut up!
Or just leave

Shut up!
I hope you break a leg, and a few bones
Shut up!
I hope you sense the sarcasm in my tone
Shut up!
Surprised that you aren't on a cellular phone
Shut up!
Or go home
Shut up!
Or go home

[Verse 3]
Look, you're not clever
Maybe take your endeavors
And maybe take your shit away from me forever
And ever and ever
And never bring it back to my shows, I suppose
It goes without saying that you're staying till close
In the rest of your life, is your behavior the same?
Like, would you wear a fucking helmet
To an Oakland Raiders game?
And then run on to the field to intercept a pass?
You wouldn't- you know why?
Cause they'd kill your fucking ass
You've got my attention, that much I will concede
And I've been heckled by dip shits
Some of whom could even read
But you, my new friend, you're a very special breed
With low self-esteem, is it attention you need?
You know, there's a million hecklers just like you
And there's one at every show, pulling the same shit too
And I wrote this tune for everyone that ever gets through
But tonight, my new friend, I dedicate it to you

[Hook]
Shut up!
You're just talking you've got nothing to say
Shut up!
You'll get your moment soon, just not today
Shut up!
I'll try to put this in the most delicate way
Shut up!
Or go away
Shut up!
Or go away

Shut up!
I'm talking to the heckler in the house
Shut up!
Do us all a favor, just shut your mouth
Shut up!
Do you understand just what I'm talking about?
Shut up!
Or get out
Shut up!
Or get out

Shut up!