The Hatchetfield Ape-Man

[JAIME]
Here’s a lil story ‘bout the Hatchetfield Ape-Man
He was born some place in the fuckin’ woods

He is tall, he is short
He’s good or bad at sports
The point is that nobody knows

All I know about the Hatchetfield Ape-Man
He’s an ape... man

[Chorus OF JEFFS]
Wooly Foot
His name is Wooly Foot

[JAIME]
What’s that name?

[Chorus OF JEFFS]
His name is Wooly Foot
He’s five foot-ten or he’s four foot-eight

[JAIME]
I remember when I met the Hatchetfield Ape-Man

[Chorus OF JEFFS]
You met him?

[JAIME]
Yep

[Chorus OF JEFFS]
You met him?

[JAIME]
Uh huh
We talked politics and how he leaned left and right

[Chorus OF JEFFS]
Oooh

[JAIME]
Ah

[Chorus OF JEFFS]
Oooh

[JAIME]
Ah
He has two left feet but he dances the can-can

[Chorus OF JEFFS]
(He can?)

[JAIME]
Yes

[Chorus OF JEFFS]
(He can?)

[JAIME]
Are you even listening?
He weighs two dozen tons but he’s rather slight
Nothin’?

[Chorus OF JEFFS]
...

[JAIME]
Okay!
He eats meat, he eats grass
He gets tons of ape ass
And onestly why do you care?
If you wanna know more about the legend himself began
Ask the ape... this is so stupid, he’s not even real... man!

[Chorus OF JEFFS]
Wooly Foot
His name is Wooly Foot
His name is Wooly Foot
He’s a real nice guy that could rip off your face!

[JAIME,spoken]
Wait... What’s that? He can rip off your face?
No he can’t. That’s not real. Seriously?
The Hatchetfield Ape-Man CANNOT rip off your face...
Are you fucking high?