The Gang Runs for Office

These things are hilarious
- These are priceless
- What are you guys lookin'at? - Uh, Garbage Pail Kids
- Heavin' Steven
- Classic
- Totally classic
I love Heavin' Steven
Are those those stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things? Uh, no
They're the amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things
You got quite a collection there, buddy
- Yes, I do
- Hey, Charlie, how about givin' me a couple of these? - Uh, no
- I tell you what
I'll buy 'em from you
You got a ton of'em
No
These are, like, an investment
This is my future here, so don't mess with them
Hey, have you guys seen this? We are getting blasted in the ass by the state liquor tax
"Blasted in the ass"? Mac, we have this same conversation every year
There's nothing you can do about taxes
You guys might want to think about voting every once in a while
- What has voting ever done? - Why Since wh What has - Why are you comin'down Voting? - Who am I supposed to vote for? Am I supposed to vote for the Democrat who's gonna blast me in the ass or the Republican who's blasting my ass? Politics is just one big ass blast
- It is a coast-to-coast, nationwide ass blast
- You're gonna get your ass No more! You guys are such morons
If you knew anything at all about politics, you would know that that is not true
Deandra, it's just some jerk gettin' into office so he can get out for the payday
Right
The guy's runnin' for office
He's What? What payday? I see it every year
Some clown runs for office, drops out of the race and gets a big chunk of dough
I mean, you have to be a real low-life piece of shit to get involved in politics
Okay
I just got off the phone with the city clerk
Turns out there's an election comin' up
- Local, small-time shit
Anybody can run
- What's the position? "South Philly, Zone 2, District 37 Comptroller
- Nice
What's a comptroller? - Who gives a shit? We're doin' it for the bribe
I nominate Dennis
- I accept your nomination
- Wait a minute
How come he gets to be the candidate? Take a look at that hair Kennedy hair
Note the bone structure
It's like a young J
F
K
I got the same bone structure
What are you making that noise What is that about? - You got something funky goin' on in the forehead area
- Five head
Did you say five head? I don't have that
Deandra, a woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus
Come on
There are plenty of amazing women politicians
- Name one
- Uh, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
- Awful
- How is she awful? - Hates freedom
- Uh Okay, Dennis, you are gonna need a campaign manager
That's me
- So - Ooh
We should put that one to a vote
'Cause I'd be a good campaign manager
It's too late
I already have the clipboard
- So you can be my assistant
- Mmm
Assistant is - Should I wear a blazer? - Yes
- No
- Yes
- No
- I like what he said
Charlie? Campaign manager
You don't need a blazer
- A blazer's gonna look - I like where he's goin'
- What am I gonna do? - You get to be the intern
- Yeah, the intern
- What does an intern do? - Cut limes
- Stock glasses
- Serve drinks
No
No
Come on
You guys, damn you! - I'm not doing that
- Hold it! Hold it! If my son is gonna solicit a bribe, he's gonna do it the right way
- I'm gonna be campaign manager
- Like hell you are
You are way too old
Politics is a young man's game
- Mac, I think you might be in over your head here
- Yeah
- Over my head? - Yeah
Listen
Everybody who's in favor of firing Mac as campaign manager raise their hand
- For God sakes! - The people have spoken
You're out
So that's it? I'm fired? This is bullshit! - That's politics, man
- That's politics? That's politics? This is wonderful
This is just wonderful
You know what? I'm walkin' outta here
I don't need this shit
I'm washin' my hands of the whole situation
Show you, bitches
- Can I grab that clipboard? - No
That's mine
Dee, check out my blazer
- Yeah
It's too small
- Nah
It's perfect
- How's the bar? - Full of hoboes, Dennis
A lot of hoboes
- Watch your ears
There you go
- Frank
Frank, I don't I just don't think this is the best idea for our candidate's image
This is a brilliant idea "hobo-vertising
" Come on
It looks good
Beer him
- We gotta fire Frank
- He's my dad, Charlie
I don't know
But, Dennis
Dennis
Hobo-vertising? - That's not you
It's cheap
- Ooh
It's cheap politics
It's not gonna get us that bribe
I mean, you need to be out there
You gotta be shakin' hands
You gotta be kissin' babies
I don't like babies
No babies
Don't kiss babies
Just get out there into the world, and You gotta let me be your campaign manager
I mean, I can really drive this thing in a different direction
I mean, when I look at you, I see success
I see You're top-notch
You're goin' all the way with this thing
- Oh
- Frank's just gettin' in the way here
Give me this chance
Just give it to me
I just didn't realize I was gonna have to make so many tough decisions
Take him down
This is a goddamn coup! Don't take it personally, Dad
That's just politics
You look like a dick in that tiny jacket
- Let's not attack my candidate
- Don't go after the jacket
- Shut up, Charlie
- The jacket's good
I can talk to my son any way I want
- Give him the clipboard
- Give me the clipboard
- No
No
- Clipboard belongs to the campaign manager
- I want that clipboard
- Go to hell
- Oh, that was ugly
- That was uncalled for
- Mmm
Wow
That was, uh, a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be
- I can get a clipboard anywhere
- Yeah
- All right
- Don't do that
- I want you to run for comptroller
- What? I'm gonna be your campaign manager
We're gonna stroll right into that comptroller's office and solicit a bribe
- Forget it
I am not helping you
- Deandra, we'll get this bribe and we'll shove it right in your brother's face
- We'll screw those guys
- I would like to shove it in his face
Okay
Okay
Now let's get you ready for the ball, Cinderella
- What are you doing? - The bangs, they The five head
Let me get this straight
You want to try and solicit a bribe? Yes! You want my union to back your roommate for South Philly District 37 Comptroller? - Yes
Correct
- But not to win
- It sounds illegal
- Aw, for God sakes
What is with you two? Come on! You know, like, in the movies, union guys are, like, tough and shady and shit
- Sorry to disappoint you
- You're, like, a couple of nerds
All right, look
Let me take you bitches to school for a second
In this country, in the real world, people make money
Somebody is gonna make a ton of money off my roommate
- I want it to be you
- Let me make one thing perfectly clear
We are not a criminal organization
Why are you talking to me like I'm a jackass? I am not a ja Oh
I see what you're doin'
Okay
Nobody here is a criminal
No, sir
I think we're speaking the same language
- Are we? - Oh, yeah
We're being listened to
Bugged
The feds
I get it
I read
I see movies
I understand
Okay
I want you to contact me at Paddy's
- I'm gonna get the ball rolling, okay? - Mm-hmm
It's safe there
Okay, gentlemen, sorry we couldn't work anything out
But, uh, I'm gonna go home and pay my taxes
Right? - You want me to call the cops? - Not yet
I've got a better idea
Let's screw this son of a bitch
Come on, Morris
We don't have time for this
He called us nerds, Gary
Nerds
Are you gonna take care of the crime problem here? Absolutely
I say we put 'em on busses, ship 'em over to Iraq make 'em fight the terrorists
You're very handsome
- Thank you
- This is going very, very well, man
- People are really responding to me
- They love the bone structure
- They like the Kennedy hair
- I've been looking for you guys
Look, I've been thinkin', and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys
- I want to help
- What? Wait, wait
First you wash your hands of politics
Now you want back in
- That's called flip-flopping
That's what Democrats do
- Hang on a second
Let's give the guy a chance to prove himself
Yeah
Give me a chance
What should I do? "What should I do?" Strike one, buddy
You gotta bring something to the table, Mac
All right
Ah, check this out
Excuse me
Hi
- I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby
- Oh, thank you
Yeah, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind if that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it
- Excuse me? - Oh
I'm sorry
He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool
- You know, I'd rather not
- It's good for him, and it's good for you
- I think you should just give me the baby
- Please leave me alone
Okay, lady
If you give me the baby, I could get it over with
- I said no! - Goddamn it! Just give me the baby! - Somebody help me! - Lady! Give me the ba - This is campaign suicide, dude
- Let's get outta here
There, there, there
There, there, there
Take a look
- Got it on? Sure? - Yeah
Take a look
- What do you think? - I think I look like a whore
- I'm trying to make you sexy
- This is not sexy
- What is this? What's this? - It's the bed look
The tossed look
The ruffled look
You look like you just got Anyway, we have to convince this guy That we're a legitimate threat to his campaign
There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive
We have to pretend you're both
Wow
You're a horrible father
- Let's just go
Let's get it done
- Great
Great
Now, Daddy hates to say this, but I think we should talk about the breasts
"Oh, don't hurt my baby
" Like I'm gonna hurt somebody's baby
You know what I mean? Goddamn Dennis
Fire me? - I'll fire you
- Mac
Get in
We got a bribe for your roommate's withdrawal from the race
Really? Wow
You nerds work fast
All right
How much did we get? We don't get any money until you pull your guy from the race
Oh
Okay, uh That's not gonna be a problem, is it? No
That's not gonna be a problem
Better not be, Mac
Otherwise, Marvin here is gonna have to take care of you
Take care of me how? I'll probably stab you in your throat
Jesus Christ! Stab me in my throat? - Are you serious? - Pull your guy out, Mac
I'm gonna pull him out
I'm gonna pull him out, Marvin
Marvin, I'm gonna pull him out
Okay
Who's the nerd now, bitch? That was fun
I feel like a gangster
Shut up, Gary
I'm not dropping out
- Bro, you have to drop out
- Why? I didn't wanna say this before, but you don't have Kennedy hair
- All right! Oh, God! - You don't have thejawline
- How could you say that? - If I hear one more flip-flop out of you I'm gonna throw up in my mouth
- You ready to do this? - I'm just doing some fine-tuning
- It looks good
- Just trying to get my tan on
Let's hurry
The battery on this drains like a tub
What is going on in here? Are those beach towels? We're gonna shoot a commercial, get it on public access, get the message out
- It's a million-dollar bill pal
- Yeah
A million-dollar bill
You guys are never gonna get a bribe
- It's not about the bribe anymore
- We don't care about that
- I could be a legitimate politician
- He's goin' to the top
- Really do some good in Philadelphia
- Are you listening to yourself? - You've never done any good for anybody ever! - I do good! I do good! - You never do anything! You're a loser! - You're just jealous! - I'm not jealous! - All right! All right! That's That's no way to run a campaign, boys
- Let's have the conversation outside
- All right
We'll talk outside
- Yeah, we'll make you happy
- You're droppin' out of that race
- We'll work it out
- I'm droppin' out of shit
- We'll work it out
- Yeah, we'll work it out
You and me and - Did you just lock this door? - Yes, I did
- You are going to hell, little man! - Mmm, I don't think so
- That's politics, bitch
- I hate you, Charlie! - You ready? - I'm ready
- Goddamn it! Get in front of the flag and the million-dollar bill
Dude, you and my dad share this futon? No
No, we No, we got a whole different situation worked out
- What's the situation? - It's I sleep on the And You got the script that I wrote? Grab the script
I've been meaning to speak to you about this
I can't read these words
They're not in the right order
- It's good
- I think you might be dyslexic
I'm not readin' this
- No, no! Please
Read it
- I think you might be dyslexic
- Read the script
- You want me to read the script? - Yes
And action
- All right
I'll read the words you wrote
"Hello, fellow American
"This you should vote me
"I leave power
Good
"Thank you
Thank you
If you vote me, I am hot
" What? "Taxes
They'll be lower, son
"The democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia
So do
" This doesn't make any sense
Well, then just say whatever you want
The battery's dead
It's gone
I gotta charge it up again
This one piece is makin'me nervous
- You seriously need to stop touching me
- This right here
Please stop touching me
This is really ridiculous
I'm stuffed in here like a jerk
- Deandra, you look sensational
- No, I don't
Just remember
Let Daddy do all the talkin'
Sorry I'm late
- Jack Stanford
- Frank Reynolds
- This here is my daughter, Deandra
- Hi
Hi
Well, I never like to keep a beautiful woman waiting
- Oh
Thanks
- You see, uh, Mr
Stanford I myself am a problem solver and you got a big problem on your hands
I'm afraid I'm not following
Check out the goods to my right
This pretty little lady is not only my daughter
She happens to be your biggest opponent in the election
Beauty and the beast
You're funny
Let the men do the work here, Dee
Now we can make this problem go away before it becomes a more expensive problem if you catch my drift
Are you trying to solicit a bribe from me? I don't know
Am I? 'Cause if you are not only is that illegal and highly unethical but you're doing it with the subtlety of a baboon
- Let me take another approach here
- I tell you what
- What - Why don't we discuss this over dinner? Dinner
That sounds good
- I was talking to her
- Look, Jack my little girl don't go nowhere without her old man
- Isn't that right, sweetie? - You're fired
Frank
Frankie, I gotta talk to you
- Not interested
- Look, man, I'm in a lot of shit here
- So? - I need to destroy Dennis
What do you have in mind? When Dennis Reynolds was a counselor at Camp Cumberland he was sent home for the statutory rape of a teenage camper
A vote for Dennis Reynolds is a vote for underage rape
Dennis Reynolds baby rapist
Don't let him rape you, Philadelphia
- This is a goddamn smear campaign
- You raped a girl? No, no
Okay
Rape? I was accused of Okay, statutory, first of all
Not I kissed her
She was a year younger than me
That's not even statutory or anything
What's the note say? All right
Yeah
All right
Uh, "Meet" Starts out "Meet," and then there's, like, other stuff
"Meet me in the parking garage
Frank
" - Yeah? - Yeah
You clearly have a learning disability, dude
- This is a trap
- It's not a trap
Go see what he wants
- It's a trap
- It's not a trap! Make this thing go away
Okay
I'll get the master
- Did you come alone? - Yeah
Where'd you get that trench coat? - It's cool, huh? - It's very cool
That was a smart buy
- All right, you got the tape? - Affirmative
- Okay, what's this gonna take? - You and Dennis gotta bow out of the race
- Not gonna happen
- Gotta happen
Not gonna happen
I want that tape
I'm gonna need you to beg
- Don't make me beg
- You gotta beg
- Seriously? - Seriously
Down
Down
All right
I know what you're talkin' about
- What do you say? - Please, can I have the tape now? - No
- God! Come on, Frank
What's this gonna take? What the hell is that? Charlie traded me his whole collection of Garbage Pail Kids for the tape
Oh, my God
This is bad
This is so bad, man
These things, Mac You don't know how rare they are
These are rare
You can't find these
Bro, I am in some serious shit
I needed him to drop out
I don't care what you need
That is politics, bitch
I wanna tell you somethin'
- I'm really glad you asked me out
- Me too
- How's that drink comin'? - Strong
I should really probably think about gettin' something to eat
Yeah
Still got a little left there
Not for long
Hey, have mine
Oh
You're such a gentleman
Are you gonna buy me some food at some point? Or What do you say we get outta here? - Oh
- Who's the slut? - Honey, this isn't what - Another one of your whores? Who do you think you are Bill Clinton? You're a comptroller
Did he tell you he had a wife? - Did he tell you that, you goddamn whore? - No
- Whoa! Whoa! All right
- You bitch! Hey! Pour me a shot there, buddy boy
I got it
- Oh, what'd you get? - I got the smear tape
- Oh, hey, man
That's great
- Yes! Whoa
Sweet Dee
What the hell's goin' on with you? Screw politicians
Charlie, pour me a shot
No time for that
We gotta get back out on that campaign trail
- What do you say? - Oh, yeah
Hey, man, I was doin' some thinking about that
- I don't wanna do that anymore
- What? Oh, yeah
I googled "comptroller
" Turns out that this guy's really just a glorified accountant
You know what I mean? And I hate doing math
It sounds like a ton of work
- You know what I'm sayin'? I hate work
- No
These guys, they make less than teachers
It's a - So what? - So I'm not doing it anymore
- No
You have to run
- No, I don't
Yeah
Yeah, you do
- No, I don't
- Yeah, you do
No, I don't
You're not the boss of me
I'm the campaign manager
You're fired
I traded all my Garbage Pail Kids for you
Well, that was stupid
Bit of an overreaction, don't you think? You look like a whore
- Psst
You come alone? - Yeah
Why couldn't we just meet in your apartment? - It's not safe
- Is that Frank's trench coat? - Yeah
Pretty sweet, right? - Totally sweet
Listen
I need your help
I'm in a lot of shit
- I'm listening
- I need to make Dennis disappear
Ah! Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about
- Really? - I was thinkin' that same thing, man
- That's great
I know you guys have become close
- Not that close
How do you wanna do this thing? - If we use a gun, we're gonna need a silencer
- A gun? Fine
No guns
Piano wire
Maybe we can use some piano wire
Look, whatever it is I gotta be the guy to pull the trigger on this thing
Retard
I'm talking about taking Dennis to Atlantic City for a couple of days until the election is over
What are you talkin' about? Atlantic City
That's good
Just take him down to the shore for a couple days
- I'll take him to the shore
We'll go to Atlantic City
- What's wrong with you? I give the guy my blood, sweat and tears, right? And my Garbage Pail Kids
And And he just drops right out of the race on me
- Dennis dropped out? - He dropped right out of the race
So I'm out my Garbage Pail Kid And, like If we used piano wire on him for a sec As long as we hurt him a little bit Sorry, Charlie
Plan's off
- What are you doin'? - I'm gonna go collect my money
Looks like you bitches shouldn't have fired me in the first place
Are you kiddin' me? Are you kiddin' me with that? I'm gonna buy myself a car
I am gonna drive as far away from this goddamn city Hey, Mac
Where you runnin' to? Huh? Goin' to visit your friend over at the union? What's goin' on? Is there a problem? I don't know
Phil, is there a problem? Conspiracy to solicit a bribe
Racketeering
I'd say there's a big problem
Your buddy over at the union came to see us recently
Told us about your interest in politics
- He ratted you out, Mac
- Apparently, you called him a nerd, Mac
Some people don't take kindly to that type of insult
Yeah
You're goin' away for a long time and prison can be a very unpleasant place for a good-lookin' young man like yourself
Oh, yeah
They're gonna tear through you like Kleenex
That is, of course unless you got something to make it worth our while
Are you soliciting a bribe from me? Sorry, pal
That's politics