The Gang Goes Jihad

CUT TO: PADDY'S PUB
DENNIS: I just need to get some leverage here.
CHARLIE: Okay.
DENNIS: Just pull.
CHARLIE: I'm tryin'to pull it, dude.
DEE: Pull harder, Dennis.
DENNIS: If I pull harder - it's gonna dig into his leg.
DEE: Don't yell at me.
DENNIS: I need to jam the shears farther down, jam 'em in there!
DEE: Pull harder, and I will!
MAC: Dude, you should get a doctor to do this.
CHARLIE: Oh, look at me! The millionaire who goes to see doctors! Come on. Just pull the damn crowbar
DENNIS: Okeydokey.
MAC: Charlie, you want the cast off? That's what you wanted. That's what you were asking for.
FRANK: Just soak it in hot water, and it gets soft and it peels right off, piece by piece.
DEE: What do you know about anything? What are you even doing here? Why are you still here?
FRANK: Just want to be part of the gang.
DEE: You're not part of our gang.
DENNIS: You're not part of the gang either, Dee, so forget that.
DEE: Yes, I am.
DENNIS: You're not. The gang is me, Mac and Charlie. That's the gang.
FRANK: Dennis, let your sister be part of the gang.
DENNIS: She can't be part of the gang.
DEE: Why would you say that?
DENNIS: Is she part of the gang?
CHARLIE: What gang?
MAC: I have no idea what you're talking about.
DEE: Come on! Pull on it!
FRENKEL: Hello. Excuse me. I'm looking for the owner.
ALL: Yeah, that's us. We're the owners.
FRENKEL: My name is Ari Frenkel. I just bought the building next door.
ALL: Oh! Great, man. That's awesome.
FRENKEL: I purchased it a few months ago, but I was just able to move my family into Philadelphia.
ALL: Ah, yeah. Where from?
FRENKEL: Israel. Just got to be too dangerous you know, with everything that's happening.
DENNIS: Well, that's a tough situation you got over there.
MAC: You got that whole tsunami. No? Well, the Superdome thing that -- Charlie?
CHARLIE: No, there's no Superdome.
MAC: It's one of those places over there.
CHARLIE: It's a different country.
MAC: Why don't you shut up?
FRENKEL: Never mind. I had a... Anyway, I just yeah, it's all good. Stopped over to give you this.
DENNIS: What is this?
FRENKEL: It's a notice to vacate.
DENNIS: What?
Yeah, according to the zoning grid, the piece of property that I purchased extends exactly 100 feet to the north. Anything south of that dividing line belongs to me.
DENNIS: Well, where's the dividing line?
FRENKEL: Mmm, right about here.
DENNIS: What? Bullshit!
FRENKEL: Gonna need you outta here in a week.
FRANK: You can't do that.
DENNIS: Dad, stay out of this. We can handle it, all right?
CHARLIE: L-Look-Look, man! I don't know how you guys do things in What was it? Israel.
MAC: Israel.
CHARLIE: Israel or whatever, but this is America! You can't just come in here and steal our land from us.
FRENKEL: I'm pretty sure that's how this country was founded in the first place.
DENNIS: What are you saying? You're making things up now.
MAC:I don't know what that means. Does anybody know what that means? If you're talkin' shit about America, we are gonna kick your ass.
FRANKEL: I'm sure you will.
DENNIS: This is our bar.
FRENKEL: Your bar is on my land. Good-bye, gentlemen.
DENNIS: What are we gonna do?

CUT TO: CHARLIE'S APARTMENT
CHARLIE: This guy comes He really gets my goat. You know what I mean? You shouldn't be allowed to come in, tell people, "Hey, I own this. I own that."
FRANK: Okay, the butter goes on, then the peanut butter.
CHARLIE: Hmm? What are you doing?
FRANK: Peanut butter go in the middle? With the choc...
CHARLIE: Don't Do not put peanut butter on that!
FRANK: What?
CHARLIE: A grilled Charlie has peanut butter last.
FRANK: Okay, either inside or outside.
CHARLIE: Peanut butter outside. Chocolate inside.
FRANK: All right.
CHARLIE: Butter inside. Cheese outside.
*Knock on the door*
FRANK: Go away.
BARBARA: Frank, it's me. Open the door.
FRANK:Oh, shit. It's my wife.
CHARLIE: Okay Okay, man, we talked about this, right? We knew this day would come. Okay? We got to face it.
We got okay, okay. Breathe.
FRANK: Yeah.
CHARLIE: Let it out. Say "I can do this.
FRANK: I can do this.
CHARLIE: All right. Go answer the door.
FRANK: No, no, no.
CHARLIE: You answer the door.
FRANK: I don't want to get smacked.
CHARLIE: I'm not Okay, look Where are your balls, dude? Where are your balls? Okay? You're a grown man.
Think about your balls. Where are your balls? Start swinging
FRANK: Charlie, don't talk about my balls.
BARBARA: Open this door!
CHARLIE: I can't even mention your balls around you.
FRANK: Charlie, she's all hopped up on amphetamines.
CHARLIE: Well, okay. I'll get your back, and...
FRANK: I can hear it in her voice.
CHARLIE: Look, if you don't do this now, you're never...
BARBARA: Frank, open the goddamn door - before I put my foot through it!
CHARLIE: Just do it. Just deal with the bitch.
FRANK: Hey, Barbara.
BARBARA: Don't you "Hey, Barbara" me. Jesus Christ, Frank. This place is a shit hole! Is this how you've been living?
FRANK: We make it work. What do you want?
BARBARA: I want to talk.
FRANK: I tried to talk to you weeks ago. You went on vacation.
BARBARA: I was trying to scare some sense into you. You were talking about giving away all of our money.
FRANK: My money. I made it, you spent it.
CHARLIE: Burn. There you go, buddy.
BARBARA: How can you say that to me? After everything I've done for you. While you were out making money, who do you think was at home cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
FRANK: A series of Mexican women.
CHARLIE: A series... unbelievable, dude. You're on fire.
BARBARA: You can choose to live like an animal if you want to but I refuse to be subjected to it. I want my shit back. You took my shit from our home, and I want it back.
FRANK: I didn't take anything.
BARBARA: It's empty. Someone came in and took everything.
FRANK: Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to in the old days.
CHARLIE: Beautiful.
BARBARA: Oh! Oh! I can't even talk to you anymore. Standing up for yourself. Standing up for immigrants! I don't know what you're turning into, Frank, but it's making me sick!
FRANK: Stings, doesn't it?
CHARLIE: Yeah. It hurts really bad.
FRANK: Yeah. You got a little hand mark.
CHARLIE: Dude, you're burning! You're burning!
FRANK: Ooh, shit! All right, all right.
CHARLIE: You have ruined this one!
FRANK: No, no.
CHARLIE: Put the peanut butter on. You ruined that one.

CUT TO: LAWYER'S OFFICE
LAWYER: Apparently, Mr. Frenkel is citing a zoning grid that was created by the original city planners.
DENNIS: Wait. So this asshole's using a law that's, like, 300 years old?
MAC: That's bullshit!
CHARLIE: Yeah. You can't do that.
LAWYER: You guys had an opportunity to buy the land at the time of the original purchase. You declined.
CHARLIE: So what?
LAWYER: You also had a second opportunity when the fiscal quarter
CHARLIE: Let's not get into the blame game here, man.
DENNIS: Solutions.
CHARLIE: Yeah, let's talk solutions. How do we get this guy out of our bar?
LAWYER: Unfortunately, it doesn't seem as though you guys have any legal recourse.
MAC: We don't have any "legal" recourse.
LAWYER: No.
MAC: All right. I think I follow, fellas.
ALL: We don't have any "legal" recourse.
CHARLIE: What you're saying is, uh, we got to get creative.
LAWYER: If you're implying that I'm advising you to do anything illegal then I'm afraid you're mistaken.
ALL: No, of course we're mistaken. No, no, no.
DENNIS: We're mistaken. No, we would never want to implicate certain parties in certain matters, but...
CHARLIE: But if certain parties who has, uh, certain experiences, or connections.
MAC: Certain affiliations.
CHARLIE: Uh, affiliations, uh, could give us some tips or pointers or even, you know, connect us to one of his guys we could really, uh
LAWYER: Get out.

CUT TO: PARK
MAC: Okay. I think the lawyer's right. We gotta send this guy some kind of message.
DENNIS: It's time to take action, but we should be careful. I don't want to come off as anti-Semitic. This guy's a Jewish person
CHARLIE: What's that have to do with anything?
MAC: Yeah. We don't have a problem with Jews, it's this guy in particular.
DENNIS: Jewish, okay? He's Jewish. Don't use the word "Jew. I don't appreciate that.
CHARLIE: Nah, that's okay.
DENNIS: That is a racial slur, Charlie, and...
MAC: Calling somebody a Jew who is a Jew is not a racial slur.
DENNIS: Please stop.
MAC: No.
DENNIS: Will you please not use the word "Jew"? It makes me uncomfortable.
MAC: It's not anti-Semitic.
CHARLIE: It's about the context. If you use the right context you're good.
DENNIS: You're the most misinformed person I've ever met. You don't even know what's going on in Israel.
MAC: That's right. You don't know what's going on in Israel. Maybe you shouldn't be speaking on the subject.
CHARLIE: Are you guys serious?
MAC: Maybe you should leave it to me.
CHARLIE: Do you know what's happening in Israel?
MAC: Of course, bro. I read the newspaper.
CHARLIE: Okay. Well, you know what? Why don't you crack an egg of knowledge all over me, buddy?
DENNIS: Okay. Can I start?
CHARLIE: Yeah.
DENNIS: Well, okay. There's a war on terror, Charlie. Have you ever seen CNN? George Bush right now
MAC: Well, start from the beginning. Saddam Hussein has the oil.
DENNIS: Charlie, it is a war on terror.
MAC: We have decided to help the people of Israel...
DENNIS: To give our oil back to us...
MAC: By defeating Saddam Hussein.
CHARLIE: My head is, like, swelling with knowledge.
MAC: It's freedom, Charlie.
CHARLIE: With wonderful knowledge.
DENNIS: You're being sarcastic when we're talking about our
CHARLIE: Oh! Oh!
MAC: You can't hide from it forever.
MAC (to Dennis): You're an idiot.
DENNIS: You're an idiot.

CUT TO: PADDY'S PUB
DEE: Here you go. Stupid customers.
BARBARA: It smells like urine in here.
DEE: Mama, you're back.
BARBARA: I'm not gonna get scurvy if I come any further, am I?
DEE: How are you?
BARBARA: I'll tell you how I am, Deandra. I am devastated. I don't understand what is going on with your father. And I -- What the hell is this? DEE: What? Oh!
BARBARA: Are those my earrings?
DEE: Oh... yeah. But here's the thing about the earrings...
BARBARA: You're stealing from your mother now? What kind of monster are you?
DEE: Dad said he was gonna give all your stuff away, and then it was actually Dennis's idea...
BARBARA: Don't blame this on your brother. How low can you sink, Deandra?
DEE: I haven't seen you for a month, and I'm standing here in a neck brace. Are you gonna ask how I'm doing or what happened or...
BARBARA: I assume you did something stupid.
DEE: Dennis ran over me with his car.
BARBARA: There you go again! Don't you think it's about time you start taking responsibility for your actions? I want my possessions returned.
DEE: I was eating that, Mother.
BARBARA: I've been running around. I haven't had time to feed the dog. Could you stop thinking about yourself for once? And besides, you don't need it, sweetie. Well, that's attractive. Maybe if you took a bit more pride in your appearance you could find a man, and then you wouldn't have to steal from your mother! I mean, look at your skin, Deandra. Christ, there is a sun in Philadelphia.

CUT TO: OUTSIDE FRENKEL'S BUILDING
DENNIS: He's already got a construction crew in there working?
MAC: Oh, God, dude. I am sick of staring at this building, guys. We gotta take some action.
CHARLIE: Okay, okay. I'll tell you what. Let's throw a flaming bag of poop in the window.
MAC: What? Why?
CHARLIE: Because they stamp it out and they get poop all over their shoes.
MAC: What in the hell is that going to accomplish?
CHARLIE: Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.
MAC: Are you retarded?
CHARLIE: Poop on the shoes.
MAC: Are you a retarded person?
CHARLIE: Poop on the shoes, man.
DENNIS: I've got it.
MAC: You do?
DENNIS: Yeah. Let's come back tonight. I got a plan.

CUT TO: OUTISDE FRENKEL'S BUILDING (NIGHT)
DENNIS: Ah, yeah. This ought to do it.
MAC: Yeah. Okay, so what's the next step?
DENNIS: There is no next step. This is it.
MAC: This is it?
DENNIS: Yeah.
MAC: This is your plan?
DENNIS: It's awesome.
MAC: This isn't gonna do shit!
DENNIS: What do you mean this isn't gonna do shit?
MAC: There needs to be a next step!
DENNIS: Do you know how hard it is to get toilet paper off a building, especially if it rains? This Jew's in for a ton of work.
CHARLIE: Oh! Whoa.
DENNIS: What?
MAC: Come on, man. You can't say things like that.
DENNIS: What did I say?
MAC: You dropped a hard "J" on us.
DENNIS: Jew? You guys said it
CHARLIE: You can say it, but it has to be in the right context.
DENNIS: You guys said I could say "Jew.
CHARLIE: You can, but in the right context.
DENNIS: Well, what is the right context?
CHARLIE: All right. Well, this, you know person of the Jewish faith
DENNIS: Right. Yeah.
MAC: In a group of other people from the Jewish faith
DENNIS: Then I said this guy's got a ton of work to do! I think it's okay that he's Jewish.
CHARLIE: That is not what I'm...
MAC:That's not what he's...
DENNIS: You guys don't know what the hell you're talking about.
CHARLIE: This man is in for a ton of work. He's Jewish.
MAC: We know what we're talking about. Don't worry about that.

CUT TO: BARBARA'S HOUSE
BARBARA: Hello, Frank.
FRANK: I noticed you changed the locks on the door. You didn't have to do that because I'm never coming back here again.
BARBARA: I'm looking forward to that.
FRANK: You seem happy.
BARBARA: I think I'm feeling satisfied for the first time in my life.
FRANK: What is that, musk?
BARBARA: That's my new friend. I met him outside of that disgusting bar our children own. That's his Mercedes across the street. His wife's dead. Good-bye, Frank.
FRANK: Hey! You! What are you doing here with my wife?
BARBARA: Soon to be ex-wife.
FRENKEL: I'm not doing anything. She invited me over for coffee.
FRANK: Are you bangin' him? You bangin' this guy?
BARBARA: Not yet, but I'm giving it serious consideration.
FRENKEL: Is there some problem here?
FRANK: Adultery that's what this is. That's it.
BARBARA: Animal! Sorry about that. He used to beat me, you know.

CUT TO: OUTSIDE BARBARA'S HOUSE
FRANK: Change of plans.
DEE: What happened?
FRANK: Your mother seems happy.
DEE: Shit!
FRANK: I just can't have that, Dee.
DEE: Well, what do you want to do?
FRANK: What's the one thing your mother loves more than anything in this world?
DEE: That teeny, tiny little dog.
FRANK: Let's go steal it.

DEE: What are you doing?
FRANK:Go get the dog, Deandra!
DEE: What are you doing with your hands? What does that mean? What's all this?
FRANK: Dog. Kitchen.
DEE: That's "kitchen"?
DEE: Why can't you go get the dog?
FRANK: Because I got a cast on my foot.
DEE: I got a neck brace.
FRANK: Deandra, I'm your father. Go in and get the dog.
DEE: You mean the dog? You're out of your mind. Oh. Hello. Please don't bite me. Okay. Do not bite me. Here we go. Nothing weird is going on.
Shit! Run! Run!

CUT TO: PADDY'S PUB
CHARLIE: Gentlemen, I've got something here that's gonna send our friend on the first train back to Israel.
MAC: Eggs?
CHARLIE: Yeah. These eggs are organic. They're, like, three times the size of normal eggs and twice the price. If this doesn't show this guy we mean business, nothing's gonna.
DENNIS: I'm in.
CHARLIE: Okay.
MAC: Whoa. What are you talking about, you're in?
DENNIS: Hey, it's something, Mac.
MAC: Oh, it's something. Let's just do something.
DENNIS: I wonder how long it took him to get that toilet paper down.
MAC: Didn't even notice the toilet paper.
CHARLIE: What? Where does...?
DENNIS: What the hell is this? He put up a fence.
DENNIS (to Mac): He didn't notice the toilet paper? He put up a fence.
MAC: He walled us in.
DENNIS: He walled us in! Where does it end and where does it begin?
CHARLIE: This guy's good.
CHARLIE: Okay. This guy wants to get extreme? Let's get extreme. Screw the eggs.
DENNIS: How far does this thing go?
CHARLIE: Back to the bar. Plan "B.
MAC: It's locked. You guys have your keys?
DENNIS: Go around front. Go, go, go.
MAC: Wait. Hold on. It gets thinner.
DENNIS: Squeeze through there.
MAC: It gets thinner, Dennis!
MAC: Wait! Don't push me!
CHARLIE: Wait, wait, wait! My toe's caught in the fence!
DENNIS: Go back!
MAC: That's fine. Just go back. Just go back.
CHARLIE: I can't move! I can't...
MAC: Come on! You guys gotta go!
DENNIS: Stop yelling! Stop yelling!
MAC: Go over! Go over! I'll lift you.
CHARLIE: Don't climb! Don't climb, Dennis!
DENNIS: That son of a bitch! He put up a wall!
MAC: Hop over!
DENNIS: Hop?
MAC: Climb over!
CHARLIE: Happy place!
MAC: Climb over and get help!
DENNIS: Oh, this son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! Okay.

CUT TO: DEE'S APARTMENT
DEE: Now what are we doing, holding it for ransom or something?
FRANK: I haven't thought this all the way through.
DEE: You haven't thought it through? It destroyed my apartment.
FRANK: Look. We're living in the moment.
DEE: We're running around stealing things.
FRANK: We're doing anything we want.
DEE: Stop talking like that.
FRANK: You and I ought to team up on stuff like this more often.
DEE: Oh, no, we shouldn't.
FRANK: Oh, yeah. And also...
DEE: you're not on my team.
FRANK: I want to team up with Mac, because he seems stupid enough to do anything.
DEE: Okay, knock it off. You're not teaming up with any of us. Nobody wants you around. Oh God damn it. That doesn't... I'm gonna sit here until you use words. That doesn't mean anything. This doesn't mean anything.
FRANK: Your mother might be here, so take the dog into the bedroom.
DEE: That's fine. You take it.
FRANK: You take the dog! I'm telling you!
DEE: Fine. Okay, but this is exactly why you're not part of our gang. God damn it! Where'd it go?
FRANK: What the hell do you want?
FRENKEL:Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.
FRANK: Ooh! That woman is amazing. She is amazing. You just met her and she's already got you running errands for her. She's good. She is good.
FRENKEL: Just go get the dog.
FRANK: I don't have the dog.
FRENKEL: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and pooping on the floor?
FRANK: Yes.
FRENKEL: I'm starting to lose patience with you people. I've already had to deal with your son and his retarded friends. My contractor just told me there's a gas leak in that goddamn building I just bought. The whole thing is becoming a big pain in my ass. Go get the dog.
FRANK: I have a little business proposition I want to talk to you about out in the hallway.

CUT TO: CHARLIE'S APARTMENT
CHARLIE: You guys feeling extreme? Ah, this looks beautiful. You guys ready for this? -
MAC: I'm ready. I'm ready. Let's do this.
CHARLIE: Okay, okay, okay. And action.
*Dennis begins speaking Mock Arabic*
CHARLIE: Cut, cut, cut, cut! What the hell are you doing, dude?
DENNIS: That's what those tapes sound like.
CHARLIE: Why don't you read the script that I wrote?
DENNIS: I'm not reading the script. It's in English and riddled with spelling errors.
CHARLIE: Well you know what I'm trying to write, just say it.
DENNIS: I'm gonna mumble some guttural sounds, let's do another one.
CHARLIE: He's not gonna know what you're saying!
DENNIS: We’ll do subtitles or something
MAC: I feel like I should have something in my hands
CHARLIE: You don't need anything in your hands.
MAC: Like a weapon. A machete or a machine gun.
DENNIS: Why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun?
CHARLIE: Read the script.
DENNIS: I'm not gonna read the script.
CHARLIE: Who's the director here?
DENNIS: I don't care. I'm not reading the script.
CHARLIE: Fine. Action!
DENNIS: Bro, can I get my towel over my face again?
CHARLIE: Put your towel on your face. Here we go. Action!
*Dennis starts speaking Mock Arabic again*
MAC: I'm going to get a weapon
DENNIS: He's going to get a weapon, everybody! Everybody! Everybody get a weapon!
CHARLIE: Can we... You think we can make this look more like a cave?

CUT TO: PADDY’S PUB
“ARAB” DENNIS: You not make restaurant here. Bad decision.
“ARAB” MAC: We will crush your skull with our weapons!
DENNIS: We can't send this.
MAC: Nope.
CHARLIE: What are you guys talking about?
MAC: We're gonna get arrested.
DENNIS: Yeah, or murdered. This is a little too extreme, Charlie.
MAC: Man, I feel sick.
DENNIS: Me too.
CHARLIE: What, you think I don't feel sick? Okay. I'm sick. I feel very sick, but I directed the shit out of this video. This stuff is gold.
MAC: You're not the one on TV dressed like a terrorist threatening Jews, Charlie.
DENNIS: Oh, Mac
MAC: That context was fine, Dennis. Trust me. I was thinking about it when we were watching the video.
CHARLIE: All right. Okay. What are we supposed to do then? Can I throw a bag of poop through the window?
BOTH: Yes.
*Charlie ejects the “Jihad tape” and puts it inside his jacket*

CUT TO: OUTSIDE PADDY’S
DENNIS: I have better aim than you. I should throw the bag of poop.
CHARLIE: Dude, I sat over the bag for 20 minutes. I'm throwing it.
DEE: Hey, guys.
MAC: Hey, Dee.
DEE: What are you doing?
MAC: We're gonna throw this bag of poop through this guy's window. You wanna come?
DEE: Mm-hmm
MAC: Yeah

CUT TO: OUTSIDE FRENKEL’S RESTAURANT
CHARLIE: Hey, there's no one even in there!
DENNIS: Well, just throw the bag in anyway, dude.
CHARLIE: Yeah, but no one's gonna get poop on their shoes!
MAC: Just throw the damn bag, Charlie.
CHARLIE: All right!
DEE: Why are we doing this?
DENNIS: We're gonna teach this guy a lesson.
DEE: Awesome.
CHARLIE: This is gonna be great. It's gonna smell so bad in there.
DENNIS: I just hope he gets the message.
*Explosion*
DEE: Uh, I think this is the wrong message.
DENNIS: Yeah.

CUT TO: PADDY’S
EVERYONE (singing): Then you wouldn’t have to say you love me, because I’d already know. What would you do if I…
FRANK: All right, so this here is the pillar that I want to remove. I want to get this out of here so there's a nice wide open space when people walk into the bar.
DENNIS: What are you doing, Dad?
FRANK: In a second, Dennis. And, uh, go into the bathroom. Check out the fixtures. I'll be in in a second.
DENNIS: What the hell's going on?
FRANK: He's renovating my bar.
DEE: Your bar?
FRANK: Yeah, my bar. You see, the property that I just purchased extends from Morgan Street all the way to right here.
DENNIS: What the hell are you talking about? The property you bought?
FRANK: The building you blew up. The building you set on fire. What'd you think, I wasn't gonna find out about that? Hmm! I'll give you two choices. I'm part of the gang or I send your asses to jail.
DENNIS: I would rather go to jail than work with you.
DEE: Yes!
MAC: Just for the record, I would rather not spend my life in jail.
DENNIS: I will tear this bar to the ground.
DEE: I will kick the pillars in!
MAC: Nobody's kicking anything.
DENNIS: She will kick the pillars! I will tear...
CHARLIE: Okay, here's what we're gonna do! Everyone, relax. Frank, congratulations. You're captain of the gang.
DEE: No! Charlie
DENNIS: Charlie, shut your mouth!
DEE: Why can't you just die and leave your money to your kids like normal parents of America? FRANK: You sound like your mother.
DEE: You say that to my face!
TANNER: Excuse me.
DENNIS: I will kick and tear...
TANNER: Excuse me! Thank you. We're looking for the owners.
DENNIS: Oh. We're the owners.
TANNER: I'm Detective Tanner. This here is Detective Volpe. Gentlemen, we're gonna have to talk to you for a moment.
DENNIS: About what?
TANNER: You gentlemen know anything about this?
*Holds up the Jihad tape*
CHARLIE: Uhhhh….. oh shit.