The Executive

[Dialogue: The President, mother Rachel, son Jeffrey]
What time is it, Rachel?
I don't know, I'm just worried about Jeffrey
Jeffrey
I don't know how this could have happened, why him?
Well, he should be here any minute
His plane landed about ten minutes ago, so he can't be too long
Well, I'm just really eager to know
Hi, mom
Hi, Jeff, how are you?
Hello, Jeffrey
The prodigal son has returned
Jeffrey, where the hell was Nick?
Nick was in the car with us, uh
Smoking?
Yeah, smoking
Arrеsted?
No, well, we wеren't arrested
It's Nick's business to see that those kind of things don't happen
Now, you can't blame Nick
I mean, it's as much my fault, it's as much your fault for what happened to me
Alright, alright, alright
Oh, Dad, I-I-I know, it's a bad scene
I'm just so uptight, this whole thing has just gotten me so down
Well, why don't we try and relax ourselves (Rachel, you're...) and then we'll discuss it?
Alright, I'm all for that
But Dad, if it hadn't have been for you, let me tell ya, I would've never
Did the dean ask you anything that may have led him to believe that we also smoke, and you know, there is...
Well, does he think that I know that you smoke?
What did you tell the dean?
I didn't really say anything to him at all
He just approached me and said that rather than turning it over to the police, he was gonna just send it directly to you
Ah yes, he gave me a real solicitous call, you know, "my position and his position", and so on and so forth
Guess I really blew it, uh
Well
I'm really sorry, yeah
That's not the point
Well, it's these dumb laws we have that caused this, and...
And just...
Thank you, honey, your mother is really wonderful
Thanks, Rachel
Here, Jeffrey, won't you light this up? Just what we need
Oh, Dad, thanks
Now, you were in the car
I sometimes wonder if it's all worth it just for a silly little thing like this
I don't know, ask the dean, I wonder what he smokes
You know, that, that isn't too far from the point, Dad
Well, you never know
Wouldn't that be a hell of a thing? He can't tell me and I can't tell him
Yes? (Two minutes, sir)
Alright
Isn't this a ludicrous situation?
Rachel, it's a ridiculous situation, I agree, but uh, that's not the discussion here
The point is, what happens to Jeffrey from here?
Do you go back to school, Jeff, do you not, what?
What do you wanna do, Jeff?
'Cause there really is nothing to be worried about
You only have to decide, do you want to go back to that school?
Do you want to take a leave of absence for a few months or what?
Because we can call the dean (I don't know)
(Yeah, that's no problem)
And say that your dad's spoken with you
I'm so close to graduation though by now, you know
It's, it's almost futile to drop out
I don't have very much time now, so we have to cut this short
In other words, I guess what we have to do now is pretend that Jeff came home (Yeah)
You gave him a good talking to (Yeah)
And you and I have to get on the phone with the dean (Right)
And say this will never happen again (Right)
(I suppose you're right)
And we're just shocked and it's a terrible, terrible thing
(Terrible, ha-ha)
I suppose you're right
Yeah, Jeffrey, behave yourself
Look, I think, uh (Man), I have to get out to the conference
Dad, you're the greatest, let me tell ya
You see, if there wasn't all this hypocrisy in this country
We wouldn't have to even be having this kind of discussion
But Rachel
This is what just gets me up a tree all the time
And we keep going over and over the same ground
Why can't we do something?
Rachel, it exists, we will do something
Ah, look, I have to get into the conference
It's so simple
Rachel, I have to get into the conference
It's not so simple, but we'll have to do
Right, but think, like, I'm your son
And if I weren't your son (Well, I'll t—), you know where I'd be today?
Yeah? (Thirty seconds)
Right, I'm coming
You and your mother can toss it around, and when I get back out, I'll continue the discussion
Out of sight, out of sight, Dad
Alright, never mind, out of sight
Gimme five
Ah, Jeffrey, this is a ridiculous situation, it can't go on
Well, it is what Jeff has been telling you for months now
And I'm glad something finally happened to change things
Mom, mom, that's cool, cool
Well, I'm not so glad, but we'll see
Don't give me the "I told you so"
I'll see you later
Okay, Dad, bye
Take care
Bye-bye, have a good conference
Bye now

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, the President of the United States