The Doctor is in (Off-Broadway)

[CHARLIE BROWN, spoken]
Lucy, I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do

[LUCY, spoken]
Gee, I'm sorry to hear that, Charlie Brown. Maybe there's something I can do to help. I think what you need most of all, Charlie Brown, is to come right out and admit all of the things that are wrong with you

[CHARLIE BROWN, spoken]
Do you really think that will help, Lucy?

[LUCY, spoken]
Certainly

[CHARLIE BROWN, spoken]
All right, I'll try

(sung)
I'm not very handsome or clever, or lucid
I've always been stupid at spelling and numbers
I've never been much playing football or baseball
Or stickball or checkers or marbles or ping pong
I'm usually awful at parties and dances
I stand like a stick or I cough, or I laugh
Or I don't bring a present, or I spill the ice cream
Or I get so depressed that I stand and I scream
Oh, how can there possibly be
One small person as thoroughly, totally, utterly
Blah as me

[LUCY, spoken]
Well, that's okay for a starter

[CHARLIE BROWN, spoken]
A starter?

[LUCY, spoken]
Well, Certainly. You don't think that mentioning these few superficial failings is going to do you any good, do you, Charlie Brown?

[CHARLIE BROWN, spoken]
Well, Lucy-

[LUCY, spoken]
Why, Charlie Brown, you really have to delve

(sung)
You're stupid, self-centered and moody

[CHARLIE BROWN]
I'm moody

[LUCY]
You're terribly dull to be with

[CHARLIE BROWN]
Yes I am
And nobody likes me—not Frieda, or Shermy, or Linus, or Schroeder—

[LUCY]
Or Lucy

[CHARLIE BROWN]
Or Lucy

[LUCY]
Or Snoopy

[CHARLIE BROWN]
Or Sn—

(spoken)
Wait a minute. Snoopy likes me!

[LUCY, spoken]
Oh, no! He only pretends to like you because you feed him. That doesn't count

[CHARLIE BROWN, sung]
Or Snoopy
But why? Was I born just to be
One small person as thoroughly, totally, utterly—

[LUCY]
Wait!
You're not very much of a person

[CHARLIE BROWN]
That's certain

[LUCY]
And yet there's a reason for hope

[CHARLIE BROWN]
There's hope?

[LUCY]
For although you are no good at music like Schroeder
Or happy like Snoopy
Or lovely like me
You have the distinction to be
No one else but the singular, remarkable, unique Charlie Brown

[CHARLIE BROWN]
I'm me!

[LUCY]
Yes! It's amazingly true
For whatever it's worth, Charlie Brown
You're you

[CHARLIE BROWN, spoken]
Gosh, Lucy you know something. I'm beginning to feel better already. You're a true friend, Lucy, a true friend

[LUCY, spoken]
That'll be five cents, please