The Dentist

Dentists — tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp, metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook. And they start to pick in an area that you came to get fixed!

*(scratches the microphone for effect)*

And I found out something about myself while the dentist was doing that. I found out that if I was ever paralyzed from the knee down, I could walk out on my behind! Because the whole time he kept doing that, I just kept —

*Cosby starts to slide down and out of the chair*

"Can you sit up?"

"I'm sorry. I beg your pardon."

*slides again*

"Sit up."

"I’m sorry, I — "

Now the dentist pulls out a needle. This is to deaden the pain. You open up. Now, a regular doctor giving you a shot would go [pantomimes a quick syringe injection] and that's it. Dentists don't do that. They go... [pantomimes the syringe injected, but the syringe is left there while the said dentist fingers around]... and you’re there... [breathing in pain and struggling to sit up straight].

Then they want to talk to you!

"Do you ever do any fishing?"

"Uh-huh."

"Where do you usually go?"

(Unintelligible mumbles.)

"Yes, I've been there many times myself."

Now he pulls the needle out. Puts this thing in your mouth. [suction] This will suck up your face. The dentist goes outside to laugh at you. Now you sit, grown-up, intelligent human being, arguing with this thing.. [suction] You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap.

So the dentist comes back; you want to talk to him. So you, you say, "I- be – b-been wunderbi-bing..."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I saibded, I'be b-b-been wubderbing abbowdt my b face."

"I don't understand."

"My b face. My b face! Do you see my be face?"

"What?"

"Efbb-abe-ceeb-ee My b face b! Can b you seeb my b face?"

"Your face?"

"Yephh!!!" (Yes)

"What's the matter with it?"

"Bwhab's theb matterb wid it? My b face, my b face is b hanging down. Do you seeb dis? Dissb, dissb is my b bottom b lip. It wasbn't like this b when I b came in b here."

"Well, I’ll fix it."

"I hobe so. Because b see, you put a b needle in my mout’ , my b face ran down like dis, my b bottom blip is on dee flo'. So I can’t lib wib it libe this now."

"I'll fix it."

"Ohb-kay!"

Now he starts to drill. [sound effect] And you see and smell smoke! — coming out of your mouth!. So you say, "Waib a mib-bi-bi-bi-bit!"

"What's the matter?"

"Phmoke!"

"What?"

"Phmoke! Phmoke, Phmoke! Ther-be's is somb phmoke coming out ob my b mouth!"

"I don’t understand."

[Looks exasperated.] "Phi-bre! Do youb understab-uh phibre?! There's ab phibre in myb mouth and theb smoke is com-bing out because the phibre. And myb faceb is hanging on the flo'!"

"A fire?"

"Yephh!!!"

"Where?"

[Rolling eyes]

"Nebber min', nebber min'!"

Now he drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. [sound effect of drill coming to a sudden halt]

And to cover it up, they all say the same thing:

"Okay, rinse!

[Looking incredulous]

"Rib-binse? You asked me to rib-binse? I don't hab' a bottom lip, how canb I rib-binse?"

"Give it a try."

"Gib it a try. Oooh-kayb!"

Grab the cup, pour the water, and it runs all down...

"I hobe that youb are satisfibed! I hobe that youb are sat-is-fibed!!! I put the wabber in my mouth, I told you I coubbent rib-binse becausb I hab no bottom-b lip. The wabber is all dowb in myb lap! I hobe that youb are satisfibed!"

"Rinse again."

"Yoube got toob be kiddingb me!"

So you pick it up, put it in-- Now, you have to spit it into this miniature toilet bowl. You have no bottom lip, so you let it all fall out and you thank God for gravity. Now you want to sit back, but you can't, because hanging... from your bottom lip is a long line... and you can't get it off your bottom lip!
Oh, if you want to be gross, you can just grab it and throw it over there. But you try to be smooth about it you know? You just...

[started shaking head with bottom lip jutted out to show a hands-free attempt of getting the "line" off it]

...and it's breaking over here, and it's breaking over there. You try to blow it off (sputtering noises). It's just vibrates. So you figure, maybe if you just sit back, it'll snap in half. So you sit back, now you have a line from the bowl to your bottom lip. The dentist looks at it and says, "Oh, look! A rainbow!"

'Course, you have to pay him for that.

Anyway, I didn't come here to tell you that...