The Corrupt Bargain

[SPOKEN]
And now, an explanation of the Corrupt Bargain, which took place in the back halls of Washington while no one was watching

[GIRLS]
Do, do, do, do, do
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John Calhoun says:

[CALHOUN]
We need to find a scheme to
Keep the power in the
Hands of the chosen few

[GIRLS]
John Quincy Adams says:

[QUINCY ADAMS]
If my dad was president
I should get to be president too!

[GIRLS]
Henry Clay says:

[CLAY]
I’ll make you president
If you make me Secretary of State

[GIRLS]
Alexis de Tocqueville says something in French
That none of us can translate
Whoo!

Do, do, do, do, do
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All you educated people
You can talk of liberty
But do you really want
The American people
Running their own country?
Ooh!

Do do do doot (repeated)

John Quincy Adams says:

[QUINCY ADAMS]
If we steal the election
Then Jackson will surely cave!

[GIRLS]
John Calhoun says:

[CALHOUN]
You can be president
If you don’t try to take away my slaves

[GIRLS]
Henry Clay says:

[CLAY]
You’ll get Missouri ‘cause I know
How to play realpolitick

[GIRLS]
James Madison said something prescient about this
But he was kind of a dick
Let’s dance!

[ALL]
Do, do, do, do, do
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[GIRLS]
You can compromise all you want
They’re still drunk and smell like pee!
Do you really want America run
By a man from Tennessee?

John Quincy Adams:

[QUINCY ADAMS]
The people are stupid!

[GIRLS]
Henry Clay:

[CLAY]
They can all go rot!

[GIRLS]
John Calhoun:

[CALHOUN]
They’re lame!

[GIRLS]
Quincy Adams:

[QUINCY ADAMS]
They suck!

[GIRLS]
Henry Clay:

[CLAY]
Jackson’s a total twat!

[GIRLS]
John Calhoun:

[CALHOUN]
These guys are idiots but
It’s Jackson who’s a real threat

[GIRLS]
I’m sure Michel Foucault would have an opinion
But he hasn’t been born yet

Jackson is a loser!
Jackson is a loser!
Jackson is a loser!
Jackson is a loser!

The trio laugh maniacally as Adams celebrates his victory

[QUINCY ADAMS]
I’m the president!

Calhoun and Clay sigh, perhaps realizing who they just conspired to put in office