The Bunny Who Wanted to Be a Rat

Once there was an adorable little bunny
That hopped and bopped through the cotton fields
Eating carrots all day long

The people loved him
And thought he was so fuckking cute and sweet and good
And he hated that

He liked to eat the carrots
But that was about it

He had seen this movie Willard
About a bunch of rats who eat Ernest Borgnine
And a bunch of other people who are mean to Willard
Then they eat Willard because he tried to poison them
The adorable little bunny thought this was so cool

The bunny was tired of being cute and cuddly in the cotton field
The bunny wanted to go north, to the big city
And play in the garbage and scare people
By slithering around in the subways and on the streets

Bunny bunny wanted a rat tail, not a bushy cotton tail
Bunny bunny wanted to screech, like a rat, instead of a bunny
Bunny wanted to stop hopping; it was undignified and adorable
And bunny wanted to be more omnivorous

Carrots were ok but it would be so cool to eat stuff
That other people would throw away
"It would be like recycling
It would be better for the environment,"
Bunny would rationalize

"People can eat carrots
I'll eat what the people throw away
I'll live inside walls and screech
And if anyone ever tries to pat me again
I'll bite them and, hopefully, give them rabies
Oh! What a wonderful life it would be
To just be a rat!"

"There is one thing that really bugs me
About this dream, however," said bunny bunny
"It's how formulaic and pedestrian this story is
I mean, it's completely obvious
That I'm going to meet some magical wizard
Or find some occult book, or some rat dust
Or be captured by scientists
Who are working on some bunny
To rat gene splicing experiment
Or something like that

"At any rate, there is no question
That I will get my wish
And get to live in the big city, scare some people
Eat and play in that garbage
Run around in the subways
'Till one day, I accidentally eat rat poison
Or get caught in a glue trap
And either decide it was all worth it anyway
Because my dream finally did come true
Or otherwise feel cheated
Because it wasn't as much fun
As I thought it was going to be

"But no matter what
The rest of my life is entirely predetermined
I don't see how I can go on
Or how I could possibly enjoy being a rat for a single second
When I have already worked out my destiny
In my little bunny head

"I can't think of a single reason
For continuing with this charade for another second
I'm getting out now
Fuck this
Find some other bunny stooch
To be your rat for the day
I'm hopping the fuck out of here, right now."

In fact, let me finish this story for you
Yo pathetic pedestrian hack
Bunny bunny hopped off in a great big huff
Ate 100 carrots in a row
And died of vitamin A poisoning

The end