The Audience Is Listening

I've lived in real small towns
Really small places
That housed 500 residents
With only ten last names
And I don’t know what you came to see here
On this stage without curtains
But I'm hoping that whatever it is
Is the last thing you'd expect

’Cause the audience is listening
So you'd better say something interesting
They want to hear a different take on things
That they think but never talk about

Not how I spent ten years working to get herе
Exactly where I started
In this lovеly establishment
Where the real draw is the drinks
If you don't come here much
Thanks for paying admission
And a special thanks to the folks who had to hire a babysitter

'Cause the audience is listening
So you'd better say something interesting
They want to hear a different take on things
That they think but never talk about

You don't wanna know
How I'm the skeptic
With a billion conspiracy theories
About how Mike Nesmith of The Monkees was really involved in the making of the album "Changes" even though the artwork says it was only Micky and Davy
So just because I've stated opinions
Making fun of pop culture
Please don’t expect me to understand
What’s popular this week

"And speakin' of what’s popular this week, people used to use pick-up lines like, "Hey, baby what's your sign?" or "Do you come here often?" Nowadays, instead folks say "Say, what are you gonna do when the zombies come?" And often you'll hear responses like "Oh, I'm gonna break into a super-wal-mart because there’s gonna be plenty of food and guns." and others say "Well, I'm gonna steal me a boat because zombies can't swim." Unless you of course take into account the book "World War Z" where zombies can walk underwater, 'cause they don't need oxygen to live. But apparently they all- the uh laws of buoyancy don't apply to them-
Bullshit

Knock it off people, the zombies are not coming, it is not gonna happen
But if it did.. And-and that's a major "if" of course, but if they did, I wou- I wouldn't really freak out about it, I mean, once you get over the general shock of the fact that yes the dead ARE in fact walking the earth, that's really the extent of your worries, you see, since they can't inhale, being DEAD and all, they can't get oxygen, which their muscles need in order to work. This means that they aren't exactly gonna be running at any super-sonic speeds, they're not gonna punch a hole through your ribcage, and if they bite you, it'll have all of the impact of a teensy, wet, poodle, falling on your arm, so, seriously, stop freaking out about it

And don't even get me started on this vampire crap because we all know that that's just an excuse to watch softcore gay porn. Except for that Dracula movie with Tom Waits in it, because anything with Tom Waits involved gets a universal hall pass from me

Anyways, where was I... uh...
Somethi-yea."

Well, the audience is listening
So you'd better say something interesting
They want to hear a different take on things
That they think but never talk about
"Once more!"
Well, the audience is listening
So you'd better say something interesting
They want to hear a different take on things
That they think but never talk about