Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere Vol 3: The Good The Bad & The Bubbly

Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere Vol 3: The Good, The Bad And The Bubbly:6th March, 2015Noel's back with his award winning tales from the road. Here's the first of many... Enjoy!
Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere Vol 3: The Good, The Bad And The Bubbly:
Yes Mods And Rockers
How long has it been...3...4 years? Too long? Not long enough? I'd say just about right myself
Time to top up the air miles, clear the throat and get on your dancing feet we are of course back at the coal face...earning a crust, same firm, same venues, different songs (even though 'some of the chords are the same' Ha-ha!! Fuck you shitty Empire!!). That "new" album of mine is well over a year old to me now so it will be interesting to see what people make of it (thanks for buying it by the way...if you have already!). Must say its gone down spectacularly well so far. Starting off in such huge venues was always gonna be a bit of a Titus Bramble, but it's paid off so far. Most people have been commenting after the shows about how spectacular the "show" is which is slightly frustrating (as I never get to see it ) and a blessing at the same time as it keeps the focus off me
So Belfast... for a first attempt I thought it was fucking good. Bit shaky in places, mostly me I might add, but all things considered a good away win. It goes without saying but of course should not get left unsaid that the crowd were bang up for it. Really special atmosphere in the room, so much so it was quite difficult to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing and not just stand back and let them take over. I fear in places I may have lost that battle!! I suppose it beats the shit out of indifference though eh? Nice to see a few inevitably familiar faces down the front...from all over the world! Some lad had a banner down the front that read: HEAR COMES GALLAGHER THE BISCUIT! Clearly this lad was high when he'd put pen to cardboard on that!
I have no idea what it meant, I did ask him to try and get to the bottom of it, but I'm afraid his accent got the better of me so I gave up
The set list as we speak has changed 18 times now since the start of rehearsals. It's not like me to have not nailed it months ago...I've become a fiddler! I fucking HATE fiddlers...unless it's a drunk Irish man in a bar full of Guinness fiddling as if his life depended on it! I think it's because I've got SO MANY GREAT FUCKING SONGS that I'm struggling with what NOT to play. I'm sure I'll get there in the end though...somewhere in Taiwan in 2017 no doubt!?
Packing a suitcase for a 3 week tour with a fucking DISGRACEFUL hangover is not to be recommended...I know this now... The night before the morning I came away me and Iree Nancy went out, and didn't make it in 'til gone 6:00...(fucking excellent night btw!)
I open my suitcase to find I'd packed it like a novice...like 13 pairs of cords (which I have no intention of wearing) 4 pairs of trainers (I don't even wear trainers...especially on stage!), the most ridiculous array of t-shirts that quite frankly a man should never be seen in and...( and this is the fucking killer...) NO LEATHER JACKETS...NOT ONE!!! The first time in 25 years I've been on the road without a leather jacket! Unforgivable shit that...I was in a fury...I sent myself a rather snippy email AND a shouty text...SEE ME IN MY HOT TUB YOU CUNT!!!! I sat myself down and we talked it through...like adults admittedly...no raised voices...at first we understandably blamed each other but in the end we both knew that it was I that was in the wrong and could blame no-one else but myself (although Nancy's name did come into it at one point!). You find me now on my final warning. One more gaff like that and I've been told in no uncertain terms that I'm off the tour...Bang...Gone
The atmosphere in my dressing room is a bit frosty but we're working our way through it
They say time is a great healer and for the sake of everyone (you included!) let's hope that's true
Anyway, Dublin, as you well know one my mostest bestest places on earth
In a way it's great to kick things off in Ireland...In another way you kind of wish you'd arrive 6 weeks into a tour...I'm only operating at 75% myself see (had a cold for about 4 weeks now and I cannot shift it!) but as always the Irish dug me out of a hole. What a night!
The Biggest Guns Ireland has to offer had flown in from their own rehearsals in France, just for the night, to have a nosy and see what was being said and of course to talk turkey and generally misbehave and celebrate...well I'm not sure...but celebrate we did... not as hard as my bass player-the right honourable Jah-Rusta-Fari-Russell Pritchard, who I think got his end of tour party going early. "IZ FUCKIN'DARE THE EDGE LAD...GOT ANY CHAMPERS?!?" is something you don't here shouted very often (I would hazard a guess neither does The Edge lad!)
Iree Nancy got the night off to the best of starts by arriving with my eldest AND TWO leather jackets! First crisis of the tour overcome...the black stuff went down and down and down until we simply HAD to leave... Ireland, the land of my fathers, I love you very much. You haven't seen the last of me...not by a long shot...be good...and if you can't be good... be Bono!!
Arrived at East Midlands airport late last night to be met by 2 young coppers...one which says..."Evening sir can you just come this way please..round the side of the van please (a police van!)...Erm is it ok if we get a quick picture?"
GD:"Yeah 'course man.."
PC:"Shall we do it up against the back of the van for a laugh...?"
GD:"Sorry...?"
PC:"Don't worry, we won't tazer you!"
GD:"What?"
PC:"Tazer you...we WON'T tazer you?"
GD:"What..?!?!?!"
PC:"Can we JUST GET a quick picture?"
GD:"YEEEEESSSSS!!!!!"
2nd PC:"Sorry mate..he's a bit star struck"
GD:"...I'm kind of hungover...and in a rush so....."
You find me un-tazered on a golf course in Derbyshire
About to get ready for the show tonight in Nottingham...if you're coming check out the visuals apparently they're AWSOME!
ONWARDS
(PS) Today I have been mostly listening to Lying in the Sun by Koushik

9th March, 2015So where were we..?
Nottingham I believe. What a night that was. Even the soundcheck was great. Only our third gig and it was soaring...majestic...like an eagle or something!
The crowd were immense. Did I spy a leg bomber out there somewhere? I think I did! Always a welcome sight
I'm STILL fannying around with the set. Almost there with it now. It's getting better...man!! (Ha-ha!)
Legged it straight off stage for a 4 hour drive up to Glasgow. Mind numbingly boring. It was made barely bearable by the Terry Tibbs Phone-in on Talk Sport. My god it was funny. Get on it if you can, it's fucking insane. Arrived into Glasgow at 3am...
Fuck me I need a haircut (another thing I forgot to do before I came away!). Problem is see, I have Irish hair and as any Irish man will tell you we have hair that doesn't grow in straight lines. Mine grows but doesn't get longer, it gets wider!!!
If I didn't rely on myself so much I'd have fired myself from this tour already... If I don't mention it anymore I might forget about it and let myself off, so let's move on
The next day I'd agreed to do an in-store record signing thing at HMV in Glasgow...There were people there of all shapes and sizes and...even a few girls...real ones. I did feel a bit like Father Christmas at a grotto somewhere in the 70's
There were some tears..not mine I might add...
Some guy had gifted me, as some kind of reward for his musical journey since '94, a betting slip in which he'd kindly placed a £3 bet for me on Man City to beat Burnley next Saturday! Let's hope the blues do the business and...well...The Milky Bars will be on me!!(that's a 70's joke there for you)
After signing all sorts of shit for about an hour it's fair to say R-KID has banged out a few cagoules in Glasgow... I might have been the only male in the shop not wearing one!! They do look good though, I must say
The Hydro is, so my Scottish aftershave drinking pals tell me, a world class venue! I'll let you know in about 2 years, when this tour finishes, if that is indeed true. I'll tell you what is world class though...TRULY world class...is that fucking crowd
Holy shit-balls... I've seen and done some shit in my time but I'm damned if I can remember anything to match that Saturday night!?! One of THE BEST nights I've ever done, ANYWHERE
The kind of night you live for... A real privilege to have been there, nevermind actually being onstage. All downhill from that now surely? Saying that, they might have something to say about that in Manchester!
The toe-stub is...and there's no other way of saying this...a cunt. You know 'The Stub'? Of course you do! We've all done it, you know...stumbling round a bedroom minding your own business then all of a sudden...AAAARRRGH YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!! You stub your toe on one of the bed legs...and whisper silently but very forcefully...'BASTARD!'. Middle toe...left foot...(my favourite actually)...STUBBED... STUBBED JERRY!!!!
It's fucking sore. I have a slight limp. Iree Nancy laughed her beautiful little arse off... it's all bruised and sad looking (my toe NOT her arse!). Good job I'm not known for blaming it on the boogie so to speak... I shan't let it affect my performance
You currently find me with my foot up in Manchester, and you better be good tonight because the Glasgow massive booed when I suggested tonight might be the only place in Britain that could even compare with Saturday... Just saying
I must go and literally hop in the shower, but before I do let me thank everyone who has bought my new record, pushing it up to where it belongs...on the topper most of the popper most! FANK YOU!!
ONWARDS
GD
PS: Today I will be mostly listening to THE LONELY SURFER by Jack Nitzsche
Get on it...

11th March, 2015So... Woke up in Manchester and it was....raining! I used to get really annoyed when I lived there that people would always say "It rains all the time in Manchester". It doesn't rain "ALL the time, it only rains when YOU visit"... would be my standard retort. But I have to say the last 10 times I've been home it's pissed down!!!
Got bored sitting in the hotel so got down to the "Wotsit Called This Year?" Arena early and got bored there instead. As you'll know if you turn up to any of my gigs around soundcheck time, I do try my best to come out and sign stuff for fans and all that... A girl said to me "Can I get a picture?"...
"Just take it." I says...
"Can you take your shades off?" She says...
"I haven't got any on!" I says...
She looked all confused and sad. I didn't actually have any shades on. She would later tell me how much she enjoyed the visuals in the show!?!?!
I do let a few people in to watch the soundcheck from time to time... Why anyone would want to come and watch some fellas going through some slightly half hearted versions of that night's songs is beyond me, but each to their own I guess.
We had to cut this particular one short and kick everyone out as Johnny Marr was to get up with us that night to perform "The Mighty I". I didn't want to spoil the surprise for everyone by having some trigger happy social media kid putting it out there. So if you were one of the few that got booted out...sorry 'bout that (I'm not really).
The dressing room was full to capacity before show time. Seriously, I've had less lively after shows!! Which brings me to the show itself...what a fucking buzz... It was/you were immense. Like a football match in the 80's. Fighting, chanting, beer slinging...and that was just the girls!!
It was a true honour to be able to relay the FA Cup QF news to both righteous MCFC fans and the other mob as it happened. I'm not sure what I enjoyed more...the gig or the look on the other lots faces as it dawned on them that for a second season they'll be winning precisely FUCK ALL!!
When Johnny appeared the roar was unbelievable. He very nearly brought the house down!
A special moment for everyone. The way we do "The Mighty I" is great, it sounds like the record. But when we did it with Johnny it sounded EXACTLY like the record.
Manchester you were the bollocks. I couldn't split the gigs between you and Glasgow and that's the highest compliment I can pay any set of fans. Very special...if Carlsberg did Monday's and all that!
Which brings me to Tuesday...London. The 02...on a Tuesday...in London. It was probably great...it usually is. But coming after Glasgow/Manchester I'm afraid a Tuesday night in London isn't gonna cut it somehow. There's not much more to say about it really. HIT THE NORTH!!!!!
I'm off to Paris. Before I leave let me say this... This part of my tour has exceeded all expectations. You have been colossal. My/our/your new album sits proudly at number 1, probably only for one week admittedly, but never the less, there it is.
Thanks for all your support. Until the summer...keep it livid!
ONWARDS.
PS:Today I will be mostly listening to The End Of The Night by The Greenhornes
Get the fuck on it!!

3rd April, 2015So we haven't spoke since I was on my way back to Paris for some TV thing right?
Shit that seems like another era ago now!! When was it? 2 weeks ago? Let's see what I can remember...
The TV show was ok... bit weird... a cooking show as I recall with a few French celebrities (I'm assuming they were celebrities!) sitting around talking about fuck knows what while a French celebrity (chef-again I'm assuming that was the case?) rustled up some food. I think I've done it before? Anyway, I get called on to sit with these people while they talk to me in French about fuck knows what and then I play a tune and we all go home. At one point the chef put in front of me what I can only describe as a boiled egg with a tiny strawberry on the top! I didn't eat it... was I supposed to eat it?
Just outside the train station in Paris a fan gave me a piece of artwork he'd made... lovely thing... it had the wrong lyrics from The Dying Of The Light painted onto canvas!!
Jumped on the Eurostar back to Brussels for another gig at some gaff called Club 69... I say gig, it was actually being broadcast live on the radio and Club 69 it turns out was just a studio in the depths of the radio station. Why was it called Club 69? Probably because it was big enough to hold about 69 fucking people! It was tiny... I used to have a bathroom back in the 90's that held at least 75 people!!! Good show though.
Got the train the following morning back into London. It was good to be home... One's own bed, wife, children, cat etc.
I was home for a week exactly and in that week I managed to do 2 gigs and one video!!
All excellent as I remember (except for the video obviously...not the video itself...just the fact that I had to be in it!)
The first gig was at a place called The Rivoli Ballroom. I have no idea what part of London it was in. I'd never been that far south of the river... bandit country it was or is... Being broadcast at some point on Absolute Radio. Check it out. It was pretty fucking good I think.
The crowd was a bit weird. Beery lads dressed up in that Pretty Green clobber...loads of it!! They must have a sale on eh?
The other show was at The Royal Albert Hall (best venue ever!). What a night!! That place and that crowd has NEVER failed to bring the best out of me. A truly special night.
Saturday night in London? Yes please. Even the soundcheck was great. My 2 lads had a ball on Daddy Pigs drum kit and yelping..."1,2,1,2!!" down my mic'.
That band Future Islands opened up for us... Now THAT guy has got some moves!! Excellent behaviour!
It looked like an older crowd to me but none the less enthusiastic. Easily in the top 5 of the tour so far...but as great as that gig was...the fucking after show?!?!
Holy fucking shitballs what a night!! We smashed it until 5:00am, at which point we were asked to leave. A sterling effort all the same. Needless to say the next 2 days were horrific. Well worth it though.
You currently find me in the great city of Seoul in South Korea where this week I will be mostly doing it Gangnam style.
Keep it livid yeah?
ONWARDS.
GD.
PS:if you haven't already get on PINBALL by BRIAN PROTHEROE

6th April, 2015Now then... What's happening? Out or nowt? Probably nowt eh?
So I get to Korea... South Korea to be precise... Seoul in fact to be exact. I do fucking LOVE that place and here are a few reasons why:
I'm met by quite a few fans at the airport after a deeply unrelaxing 13 hour flight... Has anyone seen that film BIRDMAN by the way? If you haven't then don't... You're not missing much.
I'm given a present in a large bag which had drawn on the front: FUCKing AMAZing PRESent...
It was a painting of our Liam... AMAZing indeed!!
Managed to make it to the hotel just before a quite spectacular electrical thunderstorm. I had a sensational view from the 32nd floor... Good gear!
The last time I was out there it was my birthday and the kids really did push the boat out. This time they outdid themselves... It would seem everyday is my birthday in Seoul!!
The gigs were just unbelievable, not for anything I did I might add, simply because those fans are truly incredible...very special...seemingly mostly teenage girls (which is nice). Not quite sure what I've done to deserve that at such a late state in the game but...nice one!
The screams are fucking loud. You have to hear it to believe it. The synchronised hand waving is psychedelic, the singing is breathtaking and on top of all that they la,la,la all the guitar solos and brass parts. Not to mention the entire crowd singing Live Forever word for word, note perfect, in the gap before the encore!!!! I wish you could experience it, it really is summat else.
So sadly we leave on Easter Sunday. We head for Japan. The flight on Korean Airlines takes about an hour and a half. Very uneventful. The perfect flight. We get to immigration to be greeted by huge signs saying: SPECIAL INSPECTIONS TO PREVENT TERRORISM... It takes us two hours stood in the same queue inching slowly towards a counter that is literally 20 feet away... The flight was an hour and a half! It was brutal. There was some old Hitler-esque woman randomly shouting "mister you no push in!!!". At no-one in particular I might add... Just as I get within one person of actually getting through to the other side a Korean Air Stewardess appears out of nowhere holding what looks like a black clipboard, walks up to me and shows it to me without saying a word. I'm not sure what the fuck is going on at this point. On 'the clipboard' is a post it note with some random numbers written on it...K175-2c??? She's looking at me... I'm looking at her... There is a long silence.........??..........??...........??..........??
"Sir is this your flight number and seat number?"
"Erm..dunno...KEV!!!???"(Kev is my security guard and yes it was my flight number and seat number)
"You left this on the seat next to you."
It was my fucking iPad which I hadn't even realised I'd lost and this lady had gone out of her way and somehow managed, after 2 hours I might add, to find me in amongst a mob of angry tourists. Do we think that would have happened at Heathrow or anywhere else in the western world? Oh I think fucking not!!
People of South Korea.
You are amazing.
Your presents are fucking amazing if a little weird.
Your enthusiasm for a tune is unbelievable.
Your synchronised hand waving should be made into an Olympic sport.
Your air hostesses are angelic in the extreme and your devotion to barbecued meat stuffs is exceptional… (Do NOT tell Morrissey I said that!).
I love you very much.
You currently find me in the great city of Osaka...pissing down.
Keep it livid yeah?
ONWARDS.
GD.
PS:today I will be mostly listening to OUTCAST by THE ANIMALS ..get on it

10th April, 2015So... The dance is underway. I'm in for 2 weeks of pure mither... I shall be chased through train stations and across hotel lobbies mostly by girls shouting "Please sign, please sign!!"
Add to that the inevitable all round weirdness and bingo you got yourself a Japanese tour!
First stop Osaka. Did a Q&A with some of my fan club members...suitably awkward. Amongst other things I was asked questions about marriage, parenting, Sir David Gilmour, Sir Jeffrey Beck, pets, clothes, Oasis (obviously), the state of music in general and there might even have been some questions about my new album!!
The first of the 2 nights was very strange. I've been coming here to Japan for well over 20 yrs now and I can safely say that was the oddest gig I've EVER done. The crowd were silent in between songs. They usually are quiet but this mob were SILENT!! Not a sound...you could probably hear my heart beating I know I could! They were appreciative and all that but...
Next stop was here in Hiroshima...the gigs were most enjoyable.
I'm just about to leave and get the train to Fukuoka.
I have nothing more to say....oh it's pissing down!!
GD.

20th April, 2015Now then... What's happening? Anything exciting? No? Excellent!!!!
I didn't bother sending regular updates from Japan as the days to tend to be quite similar over there... MITHER, FUSS, MITHER, FUSS, PROMO, FUSS, SOUNDCHECK, MITHER, MORE PROMO,
MITHER AND FUSS, GIG, FUSS AND MITHER, HOTEL, FUSS, BULLET TRAIN, MITHER, MITHER, MITHER...repeat. Didn't seem any point bothering you with it.
Here then is a quick round up:
Every day is the same... hassled in hotel lobbies... chased through train stations... arrive at the gig... marvel at the latest brass section... There was one particularly shit mob in. Can't remember now but they were awful...funny almost.
Some guy at one of the shows had a placard held what said: "WHAT COLOUR UNDERPANTS ARE YOU WEARING?". I'd like to say the crowd were stunned into silence when I told them I don't wear underwear onstage, but as it was quieter than a comedy club that Madonna's doing stand up at (did you see that thing? Holy shit balls!!) I'm not sure anyone noticed, least of all me!
Been given some truly wonderful gifts by that mob. Not a day goes by that someone's not thrusting something or other at you shouting "GIFT FOR YOU!!" or "GIFT FOR SARA!!" or "GIFT FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!"
Bless you and thanks by the way if any of those people were you.
I did get a bit concerned when someone give me this bag of...stuff. In amongst it was a box with, what I would describe as, quite shouty Japanese writing on it. Being curious and all that I decided to open it up and see what was in it. Turns out it was individually wrapped little mini chocolate bars. BINGO!! I put the kettle on and sat down to sample the delights of yer oriental fun size snack. I'm on about my 3rd little shouty chocolate things when I start examining the box and I notice that underneath the shouty Japanese writing is, written in shouty English, "The legend: BLACK THUNDER!!" Black thunder? I'm thinking... Oh fuck these better not be laxatives!!
The lad with the placard followed the entire tour with different variations on his original sign, at least I think it was him... My favourite being him holding up a sign with just a pair of underpants drawn on with the words: "WHAT COLOUR ARE THEY?" He was obsessed!
The interviews were as you might imagine... Unique I think is the best way to put it.
Someone asked me about our "upcoming erection?"... 'Scuse me? Who gives a fuck about that anyway? 79% of the fiscal this...2.4% growth of the annual that, spend, cut, borrow, lend, build...blah, blah FUCKING BLAH. Say something radical you utterly contemptible bastards.
Sorry about that. Where were we? Yes... Tokyo, The Budokan, a great way to end the tour... 2 nights.
Excellent shows. First night was my favourite. The sun even came out. Lovely!
Japanese fans you are without doubt the most strangely strange yet oddly normal people in the whole world.
Thank you for everything... until Fuji Rock... SAYO-FUCKIN'-NARA!
You currently find me at home, alone, in our kitchen. Nancy and the 2 princes have gone out for the day to a safari park. Even the cat's gone out!!
The silence is deafening...bit like in Osaka!!
Keep it livid yeah?
GD.
PS:on that tour I listened mostly to:
Sunday Shining by Finley Quaye.
Cymbeline by Pink Floyd.
Lunatics Lament by Kevin Ayres.
Everybody's Got To Clap by LuLu.
Going My Way by Paul Weller.
Just One Time by Juicy Lucy.
Work Your Body by Moonbotica.
Guöngyhaju lány by Omega.
Get the fuck on that lot!!