Take Heart

I’ve been hammering nails into this coffin
The same way I’ve been hammering these doubts into my head
Hoping each one would be the last so I can start living at last
But it’s hard to live when you keep
Looking over your shoulder trying to outrun your past

‘what’s done is done’, I tell myself
My splintered hands agree
But each time I try to bury it the inconsistencies are all too clear
Between action and conviction
Between laying my cards on the table and the longing to keep them hidden

It’s a gamble that’s for sure
No-one said that it would be easy
But I think I’ve grossly underestimated the challenge of vulnerability
I want to bare my chest and let you in
But my ribs are working against me
Like boney fingers restricting my capacity
To beat down these walls I’ve build so well
You see I’m an expert at liberty until it costs me something

‘take heart’, I hear your words through the discord of unbelief
But I keep wresting with ghosts that I thought were dead
Dear saviour, pilot me!
‘fear not, I have overcome’, your promise still ringing in my ears
But does it still hold true, I’ve got to know
Is your faithfulness still independent of my own?

Because I could use some reassurance now
That my regrets are stirring underground

I’ve been digging up graves in my sleep
The same way I’ve been digging up old versions of myself
That I swore I’d laid to rest
And although I detest their resurgence it comes as no surprise
Aren’t we all creatures of habit?
I subconsciously reanimate every fault that you’ve forgiven
Each time I turn away from trusting that it is finished
I want ambiguity, but I’m given absolution
What’s done is done despite my incessant
Questioning the goodness of God has become my expertise
Like I’ve obtained omnipotence, but in reality
Humility eludes the defensive
But the broken and contrite will not be left empty

But I can’t deny that the gravity
Of unrestrained disclosure terrifies me completely
And when I imagine that tree, bloodstained
I can’t help but think it was meant for me
But the ink has dried, the concrete’s been set, the debt fulfilled
The new dawn has broken and the word has been spoken
The court adjourned, the war has been won
And the new creation born into victorious freedom
And you said

‘take heart’, I hear your words through the distance I’ve self imposed
But I keep looking for an escape that I don’t need
Make steadfast these wonderings!
‘fear not, I have overcome’, your promise I cannot forget
And all my excuses dissolve in the flood of acceptance I could never expect

I see your body rent in two
Still I can’t give an honest answer to a simple ‘how are you?’
The blood flows, I hold my breath
Teach me transparency while I still have time left