Someone’s Got To Do It

[Spoken Intro]
SLOCUM: Hahahahaha!
CHARLIE: Hey Slocum, tell me again what are we doing here, anyway?
SLOCUM: Well Charlie, every great story got to have a great bad guy, right?
CHARLIE: Yeah...?
SLOCUM: Well think of all the great bad guys: The Joker, Snidely Whiplash, The Cavendish Gang, even The Beagle Boys. Hahaha...
CHARLIE: Yeah I see your point, but all this bad guy stuff is kinda hard work. Whadda say we get a real job-
SLOCUM: Eh?!
CHARLIE: Go straight- Earn an honest living?
SLOCUM: Charlie, snap out of it!
CHARLIE: Ow!
SLOCUM: Snap out of it!
CHARLIE: Sorry boss, musta been something I ate
SLOCUM: I don't know about you Charlie but- I was born to be bad

[Verse 1: Slocum]
I've got a pencil-thin mustache and a reptilian dеmeanor
If I could squeeze a nickle-profit, I'd takе your Grandma to the cleaners
I love forgery, extortion, and changing cattle brands
But mostly I'm in love with very big and evil plans

[Verse 2: Slocum]
I want your coal and cattle, gold and timber and railroad right away
I want your water rights, mineral rights, and air rights, by the way
I love confiscation, intimidation, and owning all the land
'Cause lately I've been getting into big and evil plans

[Chorus]
SLOCUM & CHARLIE: Because the plot demands an evil man
SLOCUM: Yeah! To prove the good are good, someone's got to put 'em through it
SLOCUM & CHARLIE: Even Shakespeare in his glory put good villains in his story
SLOCUM: It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it

[Spoken]
CHARLIE: Yeah...
SLOCUM: What's your excuse, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Well, I'll tell ya...

[Verse 3: Charlie]
A brain like you needs muscle, to make the action richer
A brawny goon, a dark saloon is why I'm in the picture
Breakin' arms and burnin' barns and springing you from the can
Is why you need a guy like me for big and evil plans

[Chorus]
SLOCUM & CHARLIE: Because the plot demands an evil man
SLOCUM: Yeah! To prove the good are good, someone's got to put 'em through it
SLOCUM & CHARLIE: Even Shakespeare in his glory put good villains in his story
SLOCUM: It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it

[Spoken Outro]
CHARLIE: I guess that "someone" is us. Heh heh...
SLOCUM: It's a filthy job, ain't it, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Heh heh...
SLOCUM: How long have we been working together, Charlie? How many years has it been?
CHARLIE: Uh- three... four? What comes after four, boss?
SLOCUM: Ah shut up, Charlie. Oh! Gotta run! Gotta foreclose on the orphanage. Hahahaha!
CHARLIE: Heh heh heh, let's get started...
SLOCUM: Yeah, maybe we can slash some tires in the parking lot on the way out. It's a dirty job, but I like it...