Rock ‘N’ Roll Doctor

Intro: Prescribing your pleasure from dusk till dawn
Rock and Roll Doctor is always on!

RRD: OK, Rock And Roll Doctor, you're on the air

Caller 1 [heavy echo]: Hello? Hello?

RRD: Yeah. You wanna turn your radio down, sir?

Caller 1: Hello? ...ello? Louder? ...ouder?

RRD: Turn your radio down, please

Caller 1: Yeah, I - I'm goin' to the Aerosmith concert, man, and I was wonderin', what kind of drugs I should take

RRD: OK, Aerosmith, that's heavy metal. Ah, you're gonna want to stay away from stimulants, they react negatively with the high decibels. When those guitars start feeding back, you're going to be clawing your face off. I'd suggest rather a mild depressant: beer, maybe some Quaaludes

Caller 1: All right, man! Ya got any?

RRD: No I don't! I'd like to point out right here, that the Rock And Roll Doctor does not advocate drugs, it just prescribes them. OK, Rock And Roll Doctor, you're on the air

Caller 2: [incoherent yelling, in which the words "Bad trip" are barely discernible. Loud music in background]

RRD: Are you having a bad trip sir?

Caller 2: [more incoherent yelling, with "I took too much" audible]

RRD: Well, you want the Hot Line, this is the Rock And Roll Doctor. [music cuts off] Next, uh, please try to dial carefully, people, OK? It's very important. Rock And Roll Doctor, you're on the air

Caller 3 [male goofy voice]: Uh, did you see Quadrophenia, man?

RRD: No, I haven't

Caller 3: Oh, you should, man! It's really good. It's got all this Who music in it, man, really good

RRD: Yeah, OK. Well, you have a question here?

Caller 3: Uh right, well, it's about the Mods, you know, they're like early hippies, in England, but they're not hippies, they ride around on Mopeds, you know?

RRD: You want to get to the point, please

Caller 3: Uh, yeah, yeah. Well, the Mods are like always taking these pills, uh, they're called Blues, man. I've never heard of Blues, man. Like, what are these Blues?

RRD: As far as I'm concerned it's Negro music. Blue is not really a good drug color. I'd suggest you try Reds instead. OK, Rock And Roll Doctor, you're on the air

Caller 4 [male nerdy voice]: Yes, my sister and I are going to the New, New Christy Minstrels show at the Playhouse tonight, and I was wondering what I should take

RRD: A good book. OK, Rock And Roll Doctor, you're on the air

Caller 5 [male, southern accent. Same echo as Caller 1]: Yah, hello?Yah, hello?

RRD: Turn your radio down, please

Caller 5: Hello? Hello? [ad lib]

RRD: Turn your radio down, sir

Caller 5: Oh, yeah!

RRD: Right, OK, that's better. You have a question, sir?

Caller 5: Well, I'm goin' to the Nugent concert--

RRD: Kinda figured

Caller 5: And I'm takin' some pot, and some acid, and I'm gonna be taking some coke, and I'm gonna be takin' a couple of quarts of rum... [as he's talking, RRD is saying "Mm-hm, uh-huh" etc.] I was wondering if there was anything else that I should take

RRD: Yeah, an ambulance. Rock And Roll Doctor, you're on the air

Caller 6 [female voice, stoned]: Uhh, Rock And Roll Doctor?

RRD: Mm-hm?

Caller 6: Um, like I had these, um... pills? And I took 'em, I think... uhm... like, do you know what they were, man?

RRD: No! No, no I don't

Caller 6: Oh well... well, I was just wondering. Like... [suddenly suspicious] Who is this?

RRD: This is the Rock And Roll Doctor! Why don't you lie down for a couple days, do us both a favor. You'll feel a whole lot better. People, when you call in, try to have a question in mind, OK? It just makes the show move a whole lot faster. Rock And Roll Doctor, you're on the air

Caller 7 [same voice as Caller 5, yelling]: Yeah, you had a caller a moment ago, it sounded like my son? Well you tell that lousy punk, that if I catch him takin' any more drugs, I'll clobber him!

RRD: OK, OK, you want to calm down sir, you sound a bit upset

Caller 7: Well you're damn right I'm upset! I think I got good reason to be upset!

RRD: OK, well you're on your way to a heart attack, sir, or an ulcer at the very least. I'd suggest you take a couple Valium and relax

Caller 7: I don't have any Valium!

RRD: Ok, well, just stay on the line, I'll get your name and I'll send you a prescription, OK?

Caller 7 [suddenly happy]: Yeah? He-hey! Thanks!

RRD: OK, no problem. Rock And Roll Doctor, you're on the air

Caller 8 [female voice, the same as Caller 6, very musical]: Hello-o-o!!

RRD: Goodbye. Rock And Roll Doctor, you're on the air

Caller 9: Yeah, this is Detective Johnson of the Drug Enforcement Agency, "Doc-tor". Perhaps you'd like--

RRD: [hangs up] OK, that's just about all the time we have for calls right now, we're gonna break, take a word from our sponsor, and be back with Timothy Leary