Ready, Set, Not Yet

[ADAM]
Look at this crib
In all of its glorious antiquary
Every curve and surface speaks to me
Saying pamper and spoil me
Sand me and oil me
Come on
I know to the untrained eye it's boring
But nothing's a chore when you're restoring
Apart from frustration, pain, and financial drain
It's fun!

Folks say, "Adam...
Why do you polish your crib
When you don't have a kid?
And even if you did have a kid
This crib is too precious for placing a baby inside it
So it simply exists to remind you
Your sense of perfection is just a reflection
That you are not mentally prepared
To make room for a kid, Adam
Why don't you live, Adam?
Just make a start"
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set—
Ready, set—

[BARBARA, spoken]
Look at these jugs!

(sung)
Amazingly glazed and terracotta-ery
I took some clay and made you pottery
The world will never wreck you
I'll protect you in a mother's embrace

Folks say, "Barbara...
Why can't you see that ceramics
Is simply a manifestation of motherly panic
By making a baby that's breakable
Aren't you creating a way of translating the terror
Of making maternal mistakes into clay
Hiding away
So you don't have to face being a bad mom, Barbara
That's what you've done, Barbara
Just make a start"
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set—

[BOTH]
Here we stand
At the end of a 10-year plan
A house
A yard
A minivan
A baby should be next
Together let's leap off the cliff
Fall forever, then smash to bits
Trapped in a terrifying viper pit
Of diapers and regret
Are we willing to take the next step?

[ADAM]
Ready, set—

[BARBARA]
Ready, set—

[ADAM]
Not yet

[BARBARA]
Not yet

[ADAM]
Why rush?

[BARBARA]
Why rush?

[BOTH]
Soon enough, our hopes and our dreams will be crushed

[BARBARA]
But not yet!

[ADAM]
But not yet!

[BARBARA]
Not now

[ADAM]
Not now

[Floorboard creaks.]

[ADAM, spoken]
Ooohh?

[Floorboard creaks.]

[ADAM, spoken]
No!

[Floorboard creaks again.]

[ADAM, spoken]
See? We can't start a family in a house with creaky floorboards!

[BARBARA]
You are absolutely right
Let's add it to the list
With the cracks in the plaster

[ADAM]
The wi-fi should be faster

[BARBARA]
This sofa needs a castor

[ADAM]
The bathroom's a disaster!

[BARBARA]
What about global poverty?

[ADAM]
What about world peace?

[BARBARA]
Then there's the whole darn economy

[ADAM]
The whole Middle East

[BARBARA]
We should learn Mandarin

[ADAM]
Yeah!
Or Spanish at least

[BOTH]
No habla español
Dos cervezas, por favor

And that's all we got
And that's not a lot
Do we want a bilingual household or not?

So let's go slow
No breaking a sweat
What's the point of having children
If we're drowning in debt?

[BARBARA]
Yeah, we're totally

[ADAM]
Completely

[BARBARA]
Maybe eighty percent

[ADAM]
I'd say seventy-eight

[BOTH (BETELGEUSE)]
Ready to take
The next step (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah Yeah!)
The next step (Zooby dooby dooby, dooby dop dop bow!)
The next step (Zweeby, beeby, boo-bah-bah-dee!)
The next step
Ready, set let's—

[Crashing and screaming.]

[BETELGEUSE]
See I wasn't kidding
It's a show about death!