R. Kelly

– Oh! R. Kelly!

Well, okay. R. Kelly is different. I mean, you know, if I’m a bettin’ man, I’m gonna put my money on “He probably did that shit.” I’m pretty sure he did that shit. You know, it was bad, okay, so a couple years ago, I was doing a show in Detroit. And I’m sitting backstage in my dressing room and a friend of mine comes by, this chick, Dream Hampton. Dream, uh, tells me, right before I’m going on stage, she goes, “Dave, I’m working on a documentary about R. Kelly. “Would you like to be in it?” And I was like, “Nah, bitch, I’m cool.”

I went onstage, I just forgot about the shit, and then two years later, the documеntary comes out, Surviving R. Kelly. And when it comеs out, Dream’s promotin’ shit and she keeps bringing me up. She said, “I asked Dave Chappelle to be in my documentary, and he said it was too hot for TV.” Bitch, I did not say that. That does not even sound like how I talk. “Oh, that’s too hot for TV.” I would never say that shit.

But I’m gonna tell you guys why I wasn’t in the documentary. It’s a very simple reason, and, uh, I cannot stress this point enough. The only reason that I didn’t do it was because, and this is very important… I don’t know this n i g g a at all! I don’t know anything! I don’t know anything that they don’t tell me about. I don’t hang out with this n i g g a. Nothing. So what the fuck do I got to be in the documentary for?

This guy, R. Kelly, got another sex tape out now. Can you believe that shit? This guy makes more sex tapes than he does music. He’s like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes. “Another one.” Like, damn, n i g g a! That’s a lot of tapes. The new one’s so bad that they didn’t even show it. I’ve never seen anything like this. The prosecutor in Chicago came out in a press conference and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape. Have you ever heard of such a thing? This n i g g a read the sex tape. And it was so bad that R. Kelly sounded guilty in the transcripts. It’s fucking amazing. Sixteen times the girl’s age was mentioned. Isn’t that crazy? This motherfucker is an idiot. He was fuckin’ her like, “Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in my life.” She was like, “You like this 14-year-old pussy?” Like, “Oh, yeah, I love this.” I’m like, “Man, you need to shut the fuck up.” You gotta give your lawyer something to work with. You supposed to be on the tape like, “This is the best… 36-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in my life.” Then your lawyer can be like, “Your Honor, clearly my client thought that this woman was 36, as he mentioned some 16 times in the tape.”

They gonna know you lying, though, you know what I mean. Everybody knows… no such thing as good 36-year-old pussy. Doesn’t matter what I say. And if you at home watching this shit on Netflix, remember, bitch, you clicked on my face.