Poems

I believe there is nothing more manly one can do than take a shower with five other guys. It's true, it's not a joke, it's early cavemen, you know. Cro-Magnon wandering through the fog, you know, scrubbing five other sapiens, no homo

I wanna do a poem for you, some poems for you, right now. I've got the chimes:
*Chime plays*
Ooh, a genie just came! Alright, um...

Now that we're a little halfway through the show, I'd sorta like to take the pressure off you, the audience, and just read some serious poetry, then we'll kinda go back to the giggles. This is from my book, "Egghead", that some of you may already have, or, something, so I won't keep it too long, in case, you know, some of you have heard this stuff, but, uh... Just sit back and enjoy, uh, this, uh, poetry

"Roses are gray
Violets are a different shade of gray
Let's go chase cars."
That's by a dog
*Chimes play*

This is a poem about women's bodies, and the ability to transform your body issues, and transcend them:
"Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon
So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon
And after a week, she finally emerged
She smelled like shit. What a psycho."
*Chimes play*
You can't transcend them, I guess that's the moral

"Me, with my strange choice of adjectives
You, with your muscular teeth
And clockwise vagina."
*Chimes play*

"You're incomparable, like a...
Yeah, that's the word"
*Chimes play*

"I wanna beat you to death with a blunt object
I wanna grab one of those high-end fashion mannequins by the ankles and bash your ribcage in
I wanna sharpen 50 pencils, bind them with a rubber band, stick the lead end in your mouth and punch the erasers
I wanna strap you to a bed of nails, then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps in a mall parking lot during an earthquake
I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and somehow not survive a small fender-bender on the way back from the hospital."
*Chimes play*
That's called "Dad"

"If I had a million dollars, I'd pay your mother to have sex with me
Afterwards, probably I'd invest in the remaining $999,990"
*Chimes play*
$10 for sex with your mother! Comedy!

I can see the light in your face, bitch! Stop texting! Um, it's just a comment for someone in the crowd... It's your time, do what you want. And the texting won't show on the CD, so, that's okay. Now look what I've done

And finally...
"Mid-October, with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings
The streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions
And me, eatin' that pussy, baby"
*Chimes play*
Thank you so mu—

Oh, man, thank you guys so much, thank you for being a part of this, coming to the show, uh...
*Audience member cheers*
I just need one person's enthusiasm, that's all I need to carry me
*Audience member cheers*
"Oh, ow! I'm turned on and hurt!"
Um, I, so, I am so grateful to you coming here, I know I keep saying that, it sounds redundant, but, uh, my gratefulness is redundant, so, um, but, uh...