Left Brain, Right Brain

[Intro: Bo Burnham, Disembodied Voice, Right Brain]
Okay, um, we're moving right along here, um...
Hello, patient 24602
I'm sorry, hello. How are—
How are you feeling?
Um, not great
Has the treatment been working?
Uh, I don't think so, no
What are your remaining symptoms?
I just, I—I internalize my feelings a lot, I have trouble articulating how I'm feeling to other people, I feel like I just, I'm—
So basically, you're still a little bitch
Yes, very mature of you, disembodied voice, way up there
I was just joking, nigga
Alright, you're not as safe in Wisconsin as you might think with that shit
I'm not human, I can say whatever I want
Alright, just, just get to the point, what's wrong with me? Please, please
Your emotion and logic are at war
Okay
Your creativity and analysis are at war, and most simply, your left and right brain are at war
My left and my ri—
To fix the problem, we must separate them from each other
Sep—
Splitting your neurological functions in
5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
Well, we book an appointment or something? You don't just start counting down to major medical procedures
This may hurt a bit
I don't know what it is. Just tell me what you're—
Isolation complete
This is Bo's Left Brain: objective, logical, cold, analytical. Aware of patterns, aware of trends. He's efficient, and a prick
This is Bo's Right Brain: subjective, creative, sensory. Aware of feelings, aware of people. He's emotional, and an idiot
That's your opinion, just, careful with opinions
Okay boys, play nice

[Verse 1: Left Brain & Right Brain]
I am the Left Brain, I am the Left Brain
I work really hard 'til my inevitable death brain
You got a job to do, you better do it right, and the right way
Is with the Left Brain's might
I like Oreos and pussy, yes! In that order!
And I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3, Woody!
I am the Right Brain, I have feelings, I'm a little all over the place
But I'm lustful, trustful, and I'm looking for somebody to love
Or put my penis in
Here comes a female, here comes a female
Puff your chest out, take your phone out and check your email
Our evolutionary purpose is repopulate
So gather data now and see if she's a possible mate
Holy fuck, I think she might be the one
There's something about her, I just can't describe it
Tits
I am the earth, she's the glorious sun
I want her to trust me and I just want her to—how do I say this? Sit on my face? Sit—SIT ON MY FACE!
Alright now, Right Brain, you're being insane
No, Left Brain, I'm just being alive
You should try it, you might like it
I worked hard to give him everything he cared about
You were worried 'bout the things he was scared about
I'm calm and collected when you act wild
I am the adult, you are the child
You think you're the right one every time
You think you know everything but you don't know anything at all
Half of his problems were supposed to be mine
But you wanted everything
I hope that you're happy, 'cause he's sure not

[Interlude: Left Brain & Right Brain]
Well according to my calculations, I'm sorry, let me run the numbers again, um, you're a pussy
Name calling, really? You're gonna just do name calling?
I'm not calling names alright, I'm just stating facts, and the fact is, you're a quivering pussy
I'm the pussy? Well at least I don't play with toys still, okay
Rubik's cubes are not toys alright, they keep my spatial reasoning skills sharp
Left Brain plays with toys! Look at you! Mister, you're a toy player...
Well,​ at least I did my fucking job, alright? I kept him working, I kept him productive. You were supposed to look after him, you were supposed to keep him emotionally stable for all this. Now you're trying to blame me for how he's feeling, how he's feeling! If he's feeling unhappy it's because you failed him. You did this to him, he hates you I know he does, he fucking hates you!
*Sobs*
Right brain, look, I'm sorry, okay?
No you're not

[Verse 2: Left Brain, Right Brain]
Look, maybe there's something that we could do together
Together?
Take the best parts of both of us, put them together
I'm listening
It would let you let your feelings out, it would let me analyze
So you could man the themes, I'll man the form
It's something that George Carlin did, it's something that Steve Martin did
It's something special that we could both perform, do you know what it is?
Juggling! We could juggle and juggle our cares away!
It was—it was comedy, we could do comedy together, and—

[Bridge: Left Brain, Right Brain, Disembodied Voice]
Initiating reassembly
Alright, Left—Right brain, look, we’re gonna do comedy together alright? We gotta do comedy
Alright, alright, Left Brain, I'll do comedy with you
Look, we can fix him like this, we can make him happy again, I promise, alright?
Reformation in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
Left Brain... Left Brain, I love you!
I know
Experimentation complete

[Outro]
Thank you very much
Thank you guys for coming, it's so nice. I wanted to record the CD in Madison because it's always been one of my favorite places to play. I played here last year, I don't know if some people came to that one?
That's very nice, thanks for coming, again, I appreciate it. Um, there's gonna be—you know, there's little silences in the show as I'm moving in between pieces, don't feel like you have to fill that silence with laughter or applause. I don't want you leaving this show saying, you know, "My hands hurt from clapping, my stomach hurts from laughing." I just want you leaving this show thinking, "Oh, well..."
And we're on our way...