Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir

[TOBIAS]
Ladies and gentlemen
May I have your attention, please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Wot ought not to be there?
Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on, you can waken with ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see something
That rose from the dead
On the top of my head
Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen
I was struck with a horrible
Dermatologic disease
Though the finest physicians in London were called
I awakened one morning, amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my head was as bald
As a novice's knees
I was dying of shame
'Til a gentleman came
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name
He give me a liquid as precious as gold
I rubbed it in daily like what I was told
And behold
Only thirty days old
'Twas Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
That's what did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir ought to do
How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed

[FIRST MAN, TOBIAS]
Penny buys a bottle, I don't know (Go ahead and tug, sir)
Go ahead, sir, harder (Ah, let's go)

[TOBIAS]
Does Pirelli's
Stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
Rub a minute
Stimulating, i'n' it?
Soon you'll have to thin it once a week
Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed

[FIRST MAN, TOBIAS]
Penny buys a bottle, might as well (How about a sample?)

[TOBIAS]
Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?

[TOBIAS]
That's enough, sir, ample
Gently dab it
Gets to be a habit
Soon there'll be enough, sir
Somebody can grab it
See that chap with hair like Shelley's?
You can tell he's used Pirelli's

[FIRST MAN]
Let me have a bottle

[SECOND MAN]
Make that two

[TODD]
Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Are we standing near an open trench?

[TODD]
Must be standing near an open trench

[TOBIAS]
Buy Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
Anything what's slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls
Want to buy a bottle, missus?

[TODD]
What is this?

[FIRST MAN]
Propagates the hair, sir

[TODD]
Smells like piss

[MRS. LOVETT]
Smells like—woo

[FIFTH MAN & SECOND WOMAN, MRS. LOVETT]
Says it smells like piss or something (Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear)

[TODD]
This is piss, piss with ink

[MEN & WOMEN]
Let me smell that bottle
I don't want no ink piss
What is this?

[TOBIAS]
Never mind that madman, mister

[WOMEN]
Gives back our money

[MEN]
What does that smell like to you ma'am?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Give 'em back their money!

[TOBIAS]
Never mind the madman

[CROWD]
Where is this Pirelli?
Yeah, where is this Pirelli?

[TOBIAS]
Let Pirelli's
Activate your roots, sir

[TODD]
Keep it off your boots, sir
Eats right through

[CROWD]
Go and get Pirelli

[TOBIAS]
Yes, get Pirelli's
Use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it

[MRS LOVETT]
Flies do, too

[CROWD]
Hand the bloody money over
Hand the bloody money over

[TOBIAS]
See Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
Grow a little wick, sir, then some fuzz
The Pirelli's
Soon'll make it thick, sir
Like a good elixir
Always does
Trust Pirelli's
If your hair is sick, sir
Fix it in the nick, sir
Don't look grim
Just Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
That'll do the trick, sir

[FIRST MAN]
What about the money?

[TOBIAS]
If you've got a kick, sir

[CROWD]
What about the money?
Where is this Pirelli?
Go and get Pirelli
What about our money?

[TOBIAS]
Talk to him