A Little Priest

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
That's all very well. What’re we gonna do about him?

[TODD, spoken]
Later on, when it's dark, we'll take him to some secret place and bury him.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Well, of course, we could do that
I don’t suppose he's got any relatives going to come poking around looking for him
You know me, bright ideas just pop into me head and I keep thinking
Seems a downright shame

[TODD, spoken]
Shame?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Seems an awful waste
Such a nice plump frame
Wot's-his-name
Has
Had
Has
Nor it can't be traced
Business needs a lift
Debts to be erased
Think of it as thrift
As a gift
If you get my drift
No?
Seems an awful waste
I mean
With the price of meat what it is
When you get it
If you get it

[TODD, spoken]
Ha, ha, ha

[MRS. LOVETT]
Good, you got it
Take, for instance
Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop
Business never better, using only pussycats and toast
And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste

[TODD, MRS. LOVETT]
Mrs. Lovett
What a charming notion
Eminently practical (Well, it does seem a waste)
And yet appropriate as always
Mrs. Lovett
How I've lived without you all these years (It’s an idea)
I’ll never know (Think about it)
How delectable (Lots of other gentlemen'll soon be coming for a shave)
Also undetectable (Won’t they?)
How choice (Think of all them)
How rare (Pies)

[TODD]
For what's the sound of the world out there?

[MRS. LOVETT]
What, Mr. Todd, what, Mr. Todd
What is that sound?

[TODD]
Those crunching noises pervading the air?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Yes, Mr. Todd, yes, Mr. Todd
Yes, all around

[TODD]
It's man devouring man, my dear

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT]
And who are we to deny it in here?

[TODD, spoken]
Ah, these are desperate times
Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Here we are, hot from the oven.

[TODD, spoken]
What is that?

[MRS. LOVETT]
It's priest
Have a little priest

[TODD]
Is it really good?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Sir, it’s too good, at least
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh
So it's pretty fresh

[TODD]
Awful lot of fat

[MRS. LOVETT]
Only where it sat

[TODD]
Haven't you got poet
Or something like that?

[MRS. LOVETT]
No, you see the trouble with poet
Is how do you know it's
Deceased?
Try the priest

[TODD, spoken]
Mm, heavenly.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Ah.

[TODD, spoken]
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, but then not as bland as curate, either.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
And good for business, always leaves you wanting more
Trouble is, we only get it in Sundays

[MRS. LOVETT]
Lawyer's rather nice

[TODD]
If it's for a price

[MRS. LOVETT]
Order something else, though, to follow
Since no one should swallow
It twice

[TODD]
Anything that's lean

[MRS. LOVETT]
Well then, if you're British and loyal
You might enjoy Royal
Marine
Anyway, it's clean
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been

[TODD]
Is that squire
On the fire?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Mercy no, sir
Look closer
You'll notice it's grocer

[TODD]
Looks thicker
More like vicar

[MRS. LOVETT]
No, it has to be grocer—it's green

[TODD]
The history of the world, my love

[MRS. LOVETT]
Save a lot of graves
Do a lot of relatives favors

[TODD]
Is those below serving those up above

[MRS. LOVETT]
Everybody shaves
So there should be plenty of flavors

[TODD]
How gratifying for once to know

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT]
That those above will serve those down below

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Now, let's see
We've got tinker

[TODD, spoken]
Something pinker

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Mm, tailor?

[TODD, spoken]
Mm, paler

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Potter?

[TODD, spoken]
Hotter

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Butler?

[TODD, spoken]
Subtler

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Locksmith?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Lovely bit of clerk

[TODD]
Maybe for a lark

[MRS. LOVETT]
Then again, there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark
Try the financier
Peak of his career

[TODD]
That looks pretty rank

[MRS. LOVETT]
Well, he drank
It's a bank cashier
Last one really sold
Wasn't quite so old

[TODD]
Have you any beadle?

[MRS. LOVETT]
Next week, so I'm told
Beadle isn't bad 'til you smell it
And notice how well it's
Been greased
Stick to priest

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Now this may be a bit stringy, but then again, it's fiddle player.

[TODD, spoken]
Ah, no, no, no, that's not fiddle player. That's piccolo player.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
How can you tell?

[TODD, spoken]
Because it's piping hot.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Then blow on it first

[TODD]
The history of the world, my sweet

[MRS. LOVETT]
Oh, Mr. Todd, ooh, Mr. Todd
What does it tell?

[TODD]
Is who gets eaten and who gets to eat

[MRS. LOVETT]
And, Mr. Todd, too, Mr. Todd
Who gets to sell

[TODD]
But fortunately, it's also clear

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT]
That everybody
Goes down well with beer

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, how about Rear Admiral?

[TODD, spoken]
Too salty. I prefer General.

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
With or without his privates? Wi— "With" is extra.

[TODD, spoken]
What is that?

[MRS. LOVETT]
It's fop
Finest in the shop
Or we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd
On top
And I've just begun
Here's the politician; so oily
It's served with a doily—
Have one?

[TODD]
Put it on a bun
Well, you never know if it's going to run

[MRS. LOVETT]
Try the friar
Fried, it's drier

[TODD]
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy

[MRS. LOVETT]
Then actor—
That's compacter

[TODD]
Yes, and always arrives overdone
I'll come again when you
Have judge on the menu

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Wait! True, we don't have judge yet, but we've got something you might fancy even better.

[TODD, spoken]
What's that?

[MRS. LOVETT, spoken]
Executioner.

[TODD]
Have charity towards the world, my pet

[MRS. LOVETT]
Yes, yes, I know, my love

[TODD]
We'll take the customers that we can get

[MRS. LOVETT]
High-born and low, my love

[TODD]
We'll not discriminate great from small
No, we'll serve anyone—

[MRS. LOVETT]
Meaning anyone—

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT]
And to anyone
At all