Opening Doors

[FRANK, spoken]
How's it going?

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Good. You?

[FRANK, spoken]
Fair.

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Yeah, tell me.

[The phone rings; FRANK answers]

[FRANK, spoken]
Chinese laundry.

[MARY is at her desk, phoning]

[MARY, spoken]
Hi.

[FRANK, spoken to CHARLEY]
Mary.

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Say hello.

[MARY]
I think I got a job.

[FRANK, spoken]
Where?

[MARY, spoken]
True Romances

[FRANK, spoken]
Posing?

[MARY, spoken]
Thank you. Writing captions.

[FRANK, spoken]
What about the book?

[MARY, spoken]
What about the book?

[FRANK, spoken]
Nothing, are you working on the book?

[MARY, spoken]
Yes...

[FRANK, spoken]
Good.

[MARY, spoken]
No...

[FRANK]
Mary—

[MARY, spoken]
Right, I know, yes, me and Balzac...

[CHARLEY]
I finished the one-act

[FRANK]
I got an audition—

[MARY]
I started the story

[FRANK]
Rehearsal pianist

[CHARLEY]
So where are we eating?

[MARY]
I'm moving to Playboy

[FRANK]
The publisher called me

[CHARLEY]
I'm doing a rewrite

[MARY]
My parents are coming

[FRANK]
I saw My Fair Lady

[CHARLEY]
I rewrote the rewrite

[FRANK]
I sort of еnjoyed it

[MARY]
I threw out the story

[CHARLEY]
I'm meeting an agеnt

[FRANK, CHARLEY & MARY]
We'll all get together on Sunday

We're opening doors
Singing, "Here we are!"
We're filling up days on a dime
That faraway shore's
Looking not too far
We're following every star—
There's not enough time!

[The stage becomes alive with activity: CHARLEY being interviewed by an AGENT; FRANK playing the same bars of rehearsal music over and over while DANCERS rehearse; MARY meeting a musician on a subway. The three come together once again.]

[FRANK]
I called the producer

[CHARLEY]
I sent off the one-act

[MARY]
I started the story

[FRANK]
He said to come see him

[CHARLEY]
I dropped out of college

[MARY]
I met this musician

[FRANK]
I'm playing a nightclub

[CHARLEY]
They're doing my one-act!

[MARY]
I'm working for Redbook

[FRANK]
I rewrote the ballad

[MARY]
I finished the story

[CHARLEY]
We started rehearsals

[MARY]
I threw out the story
And then the musician
I'm moving to Popular Science

[FRANK, CHARLEY & MARY]
We're opening doors
Singing, "Look who's here!"
Beginning to sail on a dime
That faraway shore's
Getting very near!
We haven't a thing to fear—
We haven't got time!

[FRANK, spoken]
How's it coming?

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Good. You?

[FRANK, spoken]
Done!

[CHARLEY, spoken]
One minute...

[The phone rings; FRANK answers]

[FRANK, spoken]
Hamburg Heaven.

[MARY, spoken]
Hi.

[FRANK, spoken to Charley]
Mary.

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Say hello.

[MARY]
I got another job.

[FRANK, spoken]
Where?

[MARY, spoken]
"Chic."

[FRANK, spoken]
What's that?

[MARY, spoken]
A brand-new concept:
Pop-up pictures.

[FRANK, spoken]
What about the book?

[MARY, spoken]
What about the book?

[FRANK, spoken]
Did you give the publisher the book?

[MARY, spoken]
Yes...

[FRANK, spoken]
Good.

[MARY, spoken]
No...

[FRANK, spoken]
Mary—

[MARY, spoken]
Look, I never—

[CHARLEY rips the paper out of the typewriter]

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Finished!

[FRANK, spoken into phone]
Let me call you back.

[MARY, spoken]
Right.

[Hangs up]

[CHARLEY, spoken]
This is just a draft.

[FRANK, spoken]
Right.

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Probably it stinks.

[FRANK, spoken]
Right.

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Haven't had the time to do a polish—

[FRANK, spoken]
Will you sing!

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Right.
(sung)
Who wants to live in New York?
Who wants the worry, the noise, the dirt, the heat?
Who wants the garbage cans clanging in the street?
Suddenly I do!

[During the above, JOE JOSEPHSON has appeared and started to listen judiciously; FRANK and CHARLEY are auditioning for him.]

[CHARLEY]
They're always poppin' their cork—
(spoken)
I'll fix that line—
(sung)
The cops, the cabbies, the salesgirls up at Saks
You gotta have a real taste for maniacs—
Suddenly I do!

[JOE]
That's great! That's swell!
The other stuff as well
It isn't every day
I hear a score this strong
But fellas, if I may
There's only one thing wrong:

[Singing to FRANK'S tune]

There's not a tune you can hum
There's not a tune you go bum-bum-bum-di-dum—
You need a tune to go bum-bum-bum-di-dum—
Give me a melody!

Why can't you throw 'em a crumb?
What's wrong with letting 'em tap their toes a bit?
I'll let you know when Stravinsky has a hit—
Give me some melody!

Oh sure, I know
It's not that kind of show
But can't you have a score
That's sort of in between?
Look, play a little more
I'll show you what I mean...

[CHARLEY, overselling]
Who wants to live in New York?
I always hated the dirt, the heat, the noise
But ever since I met you, I—

[JOE]
Listen, boys
Maybe it's me
But that's just not a
Hum-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mable melody!

Write more, work hard—
Leave your name with the girl
Less avant-garde—
Leave your name with the girl
Just write a plain old melodee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee...

[He is humming "Some Enchanted Evening"—incorrectly.]

Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee...

[He exits. FRANK, CHARLEY and MARY meet dejectedly.]

[CHARLEY]
They're stopping rehearsals
They ran out of money...

[MARY]
We lasted one issue
My book was rejected

[FRANK]
The nightclub was raided
I have to start coaching

[MARY]
My parents are coming

[CHARLEY]
They screwed up the laundry

[FRANK]
My wallet was stolen

[MARY]
I saw the musician

[CHARLEY]
We're being evicted

[MARY]
I'm having a breakdown

[ALL]
We'll all get together on Sunday

They're slamming the doors
Singing, "Go away!"
It's less of a sail than a climb
That faraway shore's
Farther every day
We're learning to ricochet
We still have a lot to say...

[FRANK]
You know what we'll do?

[CHARLEY, spoken]
What?

[FRANK]
We'll do a revue

[CHARLEY, spoken]
What?

[MARY, spoken]
What?

[FRANK]
We'll do a revue of our own!

[MARY, spoken]
What?

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Where?

[MARY, spoken]
Why?

[CHARLEY, spoken]
When?

[FRANK]
Not just songs, but stories, scenes, piano pieces, mime—

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Yeah!

[MARY, spoken]
"Frankly Frank!"

[FRANK]
A showcase of our own!

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Where?

[FRANK, spoken]
The club's reopening.

[MARY, spoken]
We'll write a lot of new stuff—

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Rewrite old stuff—

[FRANK, spoken]
What about the girl?

[CHARLEY, spoken]
What about the girl?

[FRANK, spoken]
Only that we're gonna need a girl.

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Well, Mary—

[MARY, spoken]
Thanks, I don't perform except at dinner.

[TWO GIRLS have entered and hold rehearsal copies of music, ready to audition. The FIRST GIRL starts, singing shrilly and off-key as FRANK plays.]

[FIRST GIRL]
Who wants to live in New York?
Who wants the worry, the noise, the dirt, the heat
Who wants the garbage cans clanging in the street—

[FRANK, spoken]
Thank you, but we're looking for someone with more experience.

[SECOND GIRL (BETH)]
They're always popping their cork—

[FRANK, spoken]
Up a tone.

[BETH]
The cops, the cabbies, the salesgirls up at Saks—

[FRANK, spoken]
Up a tone.

[BETH]
You gotta have a real taste for maniacs—

[FRANK, spoken]
Thank you. You're hired.

[BETH]
I'm Beth

[FRANK]
I'm Frank

[BETH]
I really thought I stank

[MARY]
I'm Mary

[CHARLEY]
Charley

[FRANK]
By the way
I'm told we open Saturday

[CHARLEY, MARY & BETH, spoken]
What?!

[MARY]
You're not serious!

[CHARLEY]
Nobody's ready!

[FRANK]
Apparently someone cancelled a booking.

[CHARLEY]
The songs aren't finished

[MARY]
And what about costumes?

[BETH]
And how do I learn all these numbers?

[They all sing the following lines simultaneously]

[FRANK]
I'll bring you the copies of everything later this evening

[BETH]
Okay, but I'll have to have all of the music
And Saturday I've got to sing at a wedding
Oh God, is there dancing, 'cause I'm not a dancer

[CHARLEY]
Not to mention I still haven't finished the
Synanon song or the Kennedy number

[FRANK]
You don't have to, we'll segue the
End of it into the dance we cut out...

[CHARLEY]
And what'll we do about getting publicity
Run around town putting stickers on windows

[MARY]
And have we decided or not on the restaurant sketch?
I need two or three days to replace it...

[FRANK]
No, we'll use it but not with the long introduction...

[FRANK, CHARLEY, MARY & BETH]
We'll worry about it on Sunday!

We're opening doors
Singing, "Here we are!"
We're filling up days on a dime
That faraway shore's looking not too far
We're following every star—
There's not enough time!

We're banging on doors
Shouting, "Here again!"
We're risking it all on a dime
That faraway shore's looking near again
The only thing left is when
We know we should count to ten—
We haven't got time!
We haven't got time!