Franklin Shepard, Inc.

[BONNIE, spoken]
Now, our studio audience would love to know how you two work together.

[FRANK, spoken]
Oh, sure.

[CHARLEY, spoken]
No. May I answer that?

[BONNIE, spoken]
Oh, please do.

[CHARLEY, spoken]
How we work together.
He goes—
[Mimes playing an elaborate arpeggio]
And I go—
[Mimes typing, in similar elaborate fashion]

(sung)
And soon we're humming along—
Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm
And that's called writing a song—
Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm
Then he goes—
[Plays another arpeggio]
And I go—
[Types]

And the phone goes—
(spoken)
Brrrring!
And he goes—

[Mimicking FRANK into an imaginary phone]
"Mutter mutter mutter mutter yes, Jerome
Mutter no, Jerome
Mutter mutter mutter mutter—"

[To BONNIE]
That's his lawyer, Jerome

[Back into the "phone"]
"Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter do it, Jerome"
[Hangs up, turns back to himself]
Sorry, Charley—

[Plays the arpeggio, as himself]
(sung)
So I go—
[Types]
And he goes—
[Arpeggio]
And I go—
[Types]
And soon we're tapping away—
Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm

[Mimicking an intercom]
(spoken)
Bzzz!
"Sorry, Charley."
Bzzz!

[To BONNIE]
It's the secretary—
Bzzz!
On the intercom—

[As FRANK]
"Yes, Miss Bzzz..."

[Nasal, as the secretary]
"It's a messenger..."

[As FRANK]
"Thanks, Miss Bzzz
Will you tell him to wait?
Will you order the car?
Will you call up the bank?
Will you wire the coast?
Will you—"
Drrrrrring!
"Sorry, Charley..."

[Into the "phone" again]
"Mutter mutter mutter mutter sell the stocks
Mutter buy the rights
Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter—"
Bzzz!

[Into "phone"]
"Let me put you on hold..."
"Yes, Miss Bzzz..."
"It's the interview..."
"Thanks, Miss Bzzz
Will you tell him to wait?
Will you wire the car?
Will you order the coast?
Will you send up the bank?..."
(sung)
And the telephones blink
And the stocks get sold
And the rest of us, he keeps on "hold"
And he's into making movies
And he's now a corporation
Right?

So I play at home
With my wife and kids
And I wait to hear the movie bids
And I've got a little sailboat
And I'm into meditation
Right?

He flies off to California
I discuss him with my shrink
That's the story of the way we work
Me and Franklin Shepard, Inc.

[BONNIE, spoken]
It seems to me you think making money is a bad thing for an artist.

[CHARLEY, spoken]
Money?
Did I say money?
(sung)
No, I like money a lot—
Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm
I mean, it's better than not—
Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm
(spoken)
But when it's—

[Grunts like a pig and stars grabbing imaginary money]
Money—
[Grunt, grunt]
Money—
[Snorts, gathering money like a manic, drooling octopus]
When you're into—
[Snort]
Money—
[Lightly]
And you should be—

[Plays an imaginary arpeggio, then gestures to Frank]
Listen, Frank does the money thing very well, but you know what? Other people do it better. And Frank does the music thing very well. And you know what? No one does it better.
(sung)
Still the telephones blink
And the buzzers buzz
And I really don't know what he does
But he makes a ton of money
And a lot of it for me—
Right?

So I think "Okay!"
And I start a play
And he somehow knows
'Cause right away
It's drrrring!

[Into "phone" again, as Frank]
"Hiya, buddy
Wanna write a show?
Got a great idea
We'll own all the rights
With a two-week out
And a turnaround
On the guarantee
Plus a gross percent
Of the billing clause—"

And there I am in California
Talking deals and turning pink
Back in business and I mean just that
Back with Franklin Shepard, Inc.

Very sneaky how it happens
Much more sneaky than you think
Start with nothing but a song to sing
Next you're Franklin Shepard—

(spoken)
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. See, Frank and I are not that kind of close. The way we used to be. And friendship is like a, a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it and I want it back. Look—

(sung)
Nothing permanent has happened
Just a temporary kink
Friendship's something you don't really lose

Very sneaky how it happens
Every day you're on the brink
First the prizes, then the interviews—

[Looks around, realizing where he is]

Oh, my God, I think it's happened!
Stop me quick before I sink
One more triumph that I can't refuse

[Into the camera]
(spoken)
In case you didn't notice, this is my first time on TV—and my last.

[To BONNIE]
(sung)
No, here's the point, whatever happens
Then we'll all go have a drink

[Gestures toward Frank]
That's the guy I love, the fella who's
Inside

[Into "phone"]
"Mutter mutter mutter mutter quick, Jerome
Get the President
There's a crazy man
On my TV screen!"

[To camera]
Inside—
Bzzz! Bzzz! Drrring!
Inside
Franklin Shepard—
(spoken)
Just write him folks, care of Any Bank, U.S.A.—
(sung)
Inc.!