One Day

[RITA HANSON]
I was brought up in taffeta dresses
And taught to be pretty and precious
And spending my playtimes with plastic princesses
Who all had these bodies
Just utterly ludicrous
Minuscule waists and huge boobs and it's
All nipple-less and no pubes
And no creases
I mean, Jesus
It's pretty confusing
Especially at six

In that fairy tale world all the girls end up "happy ever after"
Wooing their knights in shining armor
But some nights down the track
You can bet they'll be trapped
Spending nights in, shining armor
While their knights spend their nights at a bar
Or at a ball with some harlot
I'm not bitter
It's just better that I don't fall for all that
Romantic bullshit now that I'm older

Although I don't mind the thought of being tossed over a shoulder
And trotted off to a mansion
By some ruggedly handsome
Man in a fireman helmet
And have him just use me for sex
As I say, it's a little complex

One day, some day
My prince may come
But it doesn't seem likely
And even if he came and he liked me
It's likely he'd be
Not quite my type

Some day, they say
He'll come riding up on the back of a horse
But, of course, I'm allergic to horses
How will I tell him?
He'll just have to sell him

I went to school with a girl
I remember her well
She was pretty smart
And pretty as hell
Her folks had a farm
But she wouldn't stay of course
She wanted Prince Charming
So she went to L.A. of course

Managed to seduce a
Famous actor or producer
Shacked up in a house in the hills
With a cat and a juicer
And a fancy car and a tennis court
But the guy wasn't quite the catch she thought she'd caught

He treats her like trash and then
You know the drill
Takes his cat and his cash and
Finds some younger girl
So she's left with this stupid Corvette
And an empty swimming pool which she fills with regret
Smart girl, but kind of dumb

And I'd rather be lonely than sit on my fanny
Waiting for my prince to come

One day, some day
He'll come sweeping in and sweep me off my feet
And spend the next four decades wanting to cheat on me
Getting less handsome
And fighting his dragons

He'd know what to wear, he'd have a full head of hair
And his eyes would be brown, or blue, or green
Well, I don't care
And his body would be toned
With those pecs like you get at the gym
But he won't spend all his time at the gym
And he'll love reading books
He'll be an excellent cook
He'll be good looking but not too aware of his looks
He'll be tender but tough
And smart but not smug
And attentive but not fawning
And he'll smell good in the morning
And he'll dance

And like hiking
And baking and biking
I'm not picky, I just ask
That he likes me, and I like him
And I'd rather be alone
If the only other option
Is succumb and settle down
With some condescending clown
With a great rating from some dating service
Some self-professing Mr. Perfect
Another narcissistic legend
Made a million out of hedge funds
Another sexually ineffectual
Self-obsessing metrosexual
Pseudointellectual
Getting drunk and existential
Every time the Steelers lose a game
Thanks, but perhaps some other day

One day, some day
My prince may come
But I won't hold my breath
There's only divorcées and weirdos left
And weird is fine
But not all the time

One day, some day
My prince will come
So the fairy tales said
Thirty years later it's still in my head
That if I screw a frog
I will wake in a four-poster bed

[PHIL CONNORS]
There was a day with a girl
I remember it well
Her name was
Janine..
Or JaneAnn..
Or Joelle

We drank piña coladas
Watched the sun setting over the bay

We made love in the sand
And when we were through
We went back to her room
And watched Ghostbusters II

Smoked half a joint

And ate half a pound of pâté

Why couldn't that be my
One day?
[JOELLE]
There was a day

With a girl

It's Joelle

Watched the sun setting over the bay
We made love in the sand

When we were through
Back to my room
Ghostbusters II

Smoked half a joint

It was way too much pâté
[CHUBBY MAN]
One day, some day
I'll cut down on fried chicken take-away
My doctor said one day my heart will stop tickin'
Unless I cut down on that chicken
I will do it, one day

[RALPH]
One day I'll stop drinking so much

[NANCY]
I'll stop dating men who are twenty years older

[SHERIFF]
I'll get a new safety clip for my holster
It opens too quick
I'll do it next week

[MRS. LANCASTER]
One day, I'll get a new coffee maker

[FRED]
Some day, I will buy her a ring

[NED]
One day death will come to everyone

[DORIS]
One day I'll learn how to sing

[RITA]
One day
Some day
My prince may come
But it doesn't seem likely

Phil, you bought me candy

One day
Some day
I'll wake in the arms
Of an actual man
Who will love me for all that I am
With all that he is

[LARRY]
Ok, Phil, we're on in
Five, four, three, two
Ok, Phil, we're on in
Five, four, three, two
Ok, Phil, we're on in
Five, four, three, two
[PHIL]
These endless first dates
That start with her hating me

It just doesn't seem likely
That I'm gonna get her to like me

I brought you candies
Can I get in your panties now?

One day is not enough
I've had enough
I'm not enough
I'm not your fictional man
I'm just me
I can't be any more than I am
This is all that there is

[COMPANY]
One day
One day
One day
One day
One day
[LARRY]
Two

[PHIL, spoken]
Whattaya know? It's Groundhog Day

[COMPANY]
Tomorrow spring will come, and then
There will be blue skies my friend
Bright eyes and laughter

[COMPANY]
Tomorrow, there will be sun

But if not tomorrow

Perhaps the day aaaaaaaa

[ELDERS]
You can curse, cast spells or cry
Offer your prayers to the unfeeling sky
The spring will arrive when the winter is done
And if it's not tomorrow
Then tomorrow, then tomorrow
Then tomorrow...