Monty Python and the Holy Grail - Opening Scene

KING ARTHUR
Whoa, there!

GUARD #1
Who goes there?

KING ARTHUR
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!

GUARD #1
Pull the other one!

KING ARTHUR
I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

GUARD #1
What? Ridden on a horse?

KING ARTHUR
Yes!

GUARD #1
You're using coconuts!

KING ARTHUR
What?

GUARD #1
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

KING ARTHUR
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...

GUARD #1
Where'd you get the coconuts?

KING ARTHUR
We found them.

GUARD #1
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

KING ARTHUR
What do you mean?

GUARD #1
Well, this is a temperate zone

KING ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

GUARD #1
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

KING ARTHUR
Not at all. They could be carried.

GUARD #1
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

KING ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk!

GUARD #1
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

KING ARTHUR
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

GUARD #1
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

KING ARTHUR
Please!

GUARD #1
Am I right?

KING ARTHUR
I'm not interested!

GUARD #2
It could be carried by an African swallow.

KING ARTHUR
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?

GUARD #1
Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.

GUARD #2
But then the African swallow's not migratory...

[Arthur hops away]

GUARD #2
Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?

GUARD #1
No, they'd have to have it on a line.

GUARD #2
Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!

GUARD #1
What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

GUARD #2
Well, why not?