Monologue 2 (Live At The Sands Hotel, Las Vegas/1963)

Okay. Huh. I just want to say a lot of people, you looking at me and you say it's a shame that boy drinks the way he does. I don't drink as much. If I drank as much as you'd think I drink I'd been dead 15 years ago.

Well I don't drink anymore. I freeze it now and I eat it like a popsicle. A drink never hurt nobody. You just remember the great words of Joe E Lewis. He says your not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on. That's my kind of man. Joe and I were together at my home about two weeks ago. We were in my den one morning swimming... And he mixed himself a perculiar drink and I said "what are you drink down thеre Joe?" He lookеd down at me, he says "scotch and carrot juice." I said "why?" He said "I get drunk but I see good!" So what the... Can't go wrong with that.

(Sleigh bells ringing)
(I don't) give a God damn who you are, fat man. Get them reindeers off my roof! He can't wait to get on.
Well I... As I was ruding as I was sayingly interrupted. Here's a little song called 'You Show Me a Cowboy That Rides Side Saddle and I'll Show You a Gay Caballero.' Just trying to have a little fun folks. Thats all.