Master Pfriem

Master pfriem was a short, thin, but lively man, who never
rested a moment. His face, of which his turned-up nose was
the only prominent feature, was marked with smallpox and pale as
death. His hair was gray and shaggy, his eyes small, but they
glanced perpetually about on all sides. He saw everything,
criticized everything, knew everything best, and was always in
the right. When he went into the streets, he moved his arms
about as if he were rowing, and once he struck the pail of a girl
so high in the air that he himself was wetted all over by the
water she was carrying. Idiot. Cried he to her, shaking
himself, could you not see that I was coming behind you. By trade
he was a shoemaker, and when he worked he pulled his thread out
with such force that he drove his fist into everyone who did not
keep far enough off. No apprentice stayed more than a month with
him, for he had always some fault to find with the very best work.
At one time it was that the stitches were not even, at another
that one shoe was too long, or one heel higher than the other,
or the leather not cut large enough. Wait, said he to his
apprentice, I will soon show you how we make skins soft. And
he brought a strap and gave him a couple of lashes across the
back. He called them all sluggards. He
himself did not turn much work out of his hands, for he never sat
still for a quarter of an hour. If his wife got up very early in
the morning and lighted the fire, he jumped out of bed, and ran
barefooted into the kitchen, crying, will you burn my house down
for me. That is a fire one could roast an ox by. Does wood cost
nothing. If the servants were standing by their wash-tubs and
laughing, and telling each other what they knew, he scolded them,
and said, there stand the geese cackling, and forgetting their
work, to gossip. And why fresh soap. Disgraceful extravagance
and shameful idleness into the bargain. They want to save their
hands, and not rub the things properly. And out he would run and
knock a pail full of soap and water over, so that the whole
kitchen was flooded. Someone was building a new house, so he
hurrried to the window to look on. There, they are using that
red sand-stone again that never dries, cried he. No one will
ever be healthy in that house. And just look how badly the
fellows are laying the stones. Besides, the mortar is good for
nothing. It ought to have gravel in it, not sand. I shall live
to see that house tumble down on the people who are in it.
He sat down, put a couple of stitches in, and then jumped up
again, unfastened his leather-apron, and cried, I will just go
out, and appeal to those men's consciences. He stumbled on the
carpenters. What's this, cried he, you are not working by the
line. Do you expect the beams to be straight - one wrong will
put all wrong. He snatched an axe out of a carpenter's hand and
wanted to show him how he ought to cut, but as a cart loaded
with clay came by, he threw the axe away, and hastened to the
peasant who was walking by the side of it, you are not in your
right mind, said he, who yokes young horses to a heavily-laden
cart. The poor beasts will die on the spot. The peasant did
not give him an answer, and pfriem in a rage ran back into his
work-shop. When he was setting himself to work again, the
apprentice reached him a shoe. Well, what's that again, screamed
he, haven't I told you you ought not to cut shoes so broad. Who
would buy a shoe like this, which is hardly anything else but a
sole. I insist on my orders being followed exactly. Master,
answered the apprentice, you may easily be quite right about the
shoe being a bad one, but it is the one which you yourself cut
out, and yourself set to work at. When you jumped up a while
ago, you knocked it off the table, and I have only just picked it
up. An angel from heaven, however, would never make you believe
that.
One night master pfriem dreamed he was dead, and on his way to
heaven. When he got there, he knocked loudly at the door. I
wonder, said he to himself, that they have no knocker on the door,
one knocks one's knuckles sore. The apostle peter opened the door,
and wanted to see who demanded admission so noisily. Ah, it's you
master pfriem, said he, well, I'll let you in, but I warn you
that you must give up that habit of yours, and find fault with
nothing you see in heaven, or you may fare ill. You might have
spared your warning, answered pfriem. I know already what is
seemly, and here, God be thanked, everything is perfect, and there
is nothing to blame as there is on earth. So he went in, and
walked up and down the wide expanses of heaven. He looked
around him, to the left and to the right, but sometimes shook his
head, or muttered something to himself. Then he saw two angels
who were carrying away a beam. It was the beam which someone had
had in his own eye whilst he was looking for the splinter in the
eye of another. They did not carry the beam lengthways,
however, but obliquely. Did anyone ever see such a piece of
stupidity, thought master pfriem. But he said nothing, and seemed
satisfied with it. It comes to the same thing after all,
whichever way they carry the beam, straight or athwart, if they
only get along with it, and truly I do not see them knock against
anything. Soon after this he saw two angels who were drawing
water out of a well into a bucket, but at the same time he
observed that the bucket was full of holes, and that the water
was running out of it on every side. They were watering the
earth with rain. Hang it, he exclaimed, but happily recollected
himself, and thought, perhaps it is only a pastime. If it is
an amusement, then it seems they can do useless things of this
kind, especially here in heaven, where people, as I have already
noticed, do nothing but idle about. He went farther
and saw a cart which had stuck fast in a deep hole. It's no
wonder, said he to the man who stood by, who would load so
unreasonably. What have you there. Good wishes, replied the man,
I could not get on the right way with it, but still I have pushed
it safely up here, and here they won't leave me stuck. In fact
an angel did come and harness two horses to it. That's quite
right, thought pfriem, but two horses won't get that cart out, it
must at least have four to it. Another angel came and brought
two more horses, she did not harness them in front of it,
however, but behind. That was too much for master pfriem, clumsy
creature, he burst out, what are you doing there. Has anyone
ever since the world began seen a cart drawn in that way. But
you, in your conceited arrogance, think that you know everything
best. He was going to say more, but one of the inhabitants of
heaven seized him by the throat and pushed him forth with
irresistible strength. Beneath the gateway master pfriem turned
his head round to take one more look at the cart, and saw that it
was being raised into the air by four winged horses.
At this moment master pfriem awoke. Things are certainly
arranged in heaven otherwise than they are on earth, said he to
himself, and that excuses much, but who can see horses harnessed
both behind and before with patience. To be sure they had wings
but who could know that. It is, beside, great folly to fix a
pair of wings to a horse that has four legs to run with already.
But I must get up, or else they will make nothing but mistakes
in my house. It is a lucky thing though, that I am not
really dead.