Let’s Get Small

[most of the dialogue of this track is missing]

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I'm on drugs. I'm, uh, I mean, you know what it is. What's the deal, man? I like to get small. It's a wild, wild drug. Very dangerous for kids though, because they get really small. I know I shouldn't get small when I'm drivin', but, uh, I was drivin' around the other day, you know [whistles tunefully] and a cop pulls me over. And he goes, 'Hey, are you small?' I said, 'No, I'm tall, I'm tall.' He said, 'Well, I'm gonna have to measure you.' They've got a little test they give you; it's a balloon, and if you can get inside of it, they know... you're small. And they can't put you in a regular cell either, because you walk right out. One night I got really small...

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Ok, I don’t like to gear my material to the audience but I’d like to make an exception because I was told that there is a convention of plumbers in San Francisco this week – I understand about 30 of them came down to the show tonight – so before I came out I worked-up a joke especially for the plumbers. Those of you who aren’t plumbers probably won’t get this and won’t think it’s funny, but I think those of you who are plumbers will really enjoy this

This lawn supervisor was out on a sprinkler maintenance job and he started working on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7 inch Gangly wrench. Just then, this little apprentice leaned over and said, “You can’t work on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7 inch wrench.” Well this infuriated the supervisor, so he went and got Volume 14 of the Kinsley manual, and he reads to him and says, “The Langstrom 7 inch wrench can be used with the Findlay sprocket.” Just then, the little apprentice leaned over and said, “It says sprocket not socket!" [Chuckles]

Were these plumbers supposed to be here this show or…? Okay, well, I think we're having fun now

Sure, I'm pissed

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You just can't sing a depressing song when you're playing the banjo. You just can't go, [banjo] "Oh death and grief and sorrow and murder." When you're playing the banjo everything's ok. [banjo] "Hey Steve! Your house is burning down!" [banjo] I always thought the banjo was the one thing that coulda saved Nixon. If he went on television at just the right time and went, [banjo] "Hi! Everything's great!" I think it would have been great if he'd been traveling around the country and got off the plane and said, "I'd like to talk about politics, but first a little Foggy Mountain Breakdown!" [banjo]

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