Las Vegas

To open the show, I always like to do one thing that is impossible, so right now I'm going to suck this piano into my lungs.
There. Ok, let's get started. We're having some fun though, aren't we kids. how many people are here tonight? Raise them up. Still four dollars? To get in? Four dollars? Haha. That's not bad though. Oh, you know, four dollars in today's word; inflation and all that, it's like nothing. It's like, "Gee, I got four dollars; I think I'll throw it out into the street. Oh, I can come in here for four dollars? Okay... What happens?"

This is not Las Vegas. In Las Vegas it's fifteen dollars to get in. You know, it's worth it because there's a million people on stage and everything's moving real fast and you can't understand a word they say but it doesn't matter and you just sit there and you go, "Wow. Look at the tits. I'll bet there's....57 tits up there." But this is four dollars. You know, rent a car. And the opening act in Vegas is always like, a pop singer, you know. And they bring him out. And he's really good, but he moves so fast, he's got to, he's got like 15 minutes, he's got to get it all in. They introduce him, you know.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the Sands Hotel is proud to introduce Mr. Johnny Duke. Let's bring him out."

"Hey, thank you very much [unintelligible gibberish] and it's great to be here and certainly [unintelligible gibberish] United States [unintelligible gibberish] Tuscan [unintelligible gibberish] Wisconsin [unintelligible gibberish] hey, thank you, [unintelligible gibberish] like to introduce the band: Biff, Tom, Jack [unintelligible gibberish] We got nothing here but [unintelligible gibberish] a couple of gamblin' jokes for you [unintelligible gibberish] because I gotta be me, I gotta be me [unintelligible gibberish] Sammy Davis, Jr., personal friend of mine. Okay! [unintelligible gibberish] Now I'd like to do a little dancing for you [loud stomp dancing]
[unintelligible gibberish] It's impossible to put a Cadillac in your nose; it's just impossible. Ok [unintelligible gibberish] a couple gambling jokes for you [unintelligible gibberish] Ok, the hills are alive with the sound of money. Hey, thank you."

Do I look alright? You bounce around.... But anyway, as I was saying, we're uh, we're basically into the intellectual scene up here, and that's why we're not into that kind of entertaining. Huh? Hey. Um. And it is an intellectual town. I enjoy coming here. Like, for example, see, things are always happening to me up here that are so above everything else. Like, before the show, I was standing backstage and a couple came back and asked me if I was bi. And, well, I studied a little Spanish in high school, but, uh, not enough to really be bi, you know, but I didn't want to look stupid so I said, "Yeah, I'm bi." And uh, they said, "Well, we would like you to come over after the show because we've got some S&M people coming over." And I said, "Hey, great, Spaniards and Mexicans." So it'll be interesting to go there after the show, speak a little Spanish, and have the intellectual thing, which is what I'm into.